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Michele Bachmann Deflects a Bi-Curious Meteor, and Robert Gibbs Has Piercings!

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Our dear friend ERIC KLEEFELD from Talking Points Memo recently wrote a provocative comic-book review, complete with professional-grade scans! Well guess what Eric? SOMEONE ELSE received a complimentary copy of False Witness: The Michele Bachmann Story, and you're not the only one who got a fancy Epson scanner for Yom Kippur from JOSH MARSHALL ....


Close your eyes and imagine the endless pleasures of a MICHELE BACHMANN comic book. What sort of spandex costume would she wear to accentuate her womanly figure? And how would she travel about the great state of Minnesota? In a nuclear submarine? In a cart pulled by convicted homosexuals? And would Michele detonate an IED at the Lake Wobegon abortion clinic in the first or second issue? ....

Now open your eyes and think about the worst possible Michele Bachmann comic, ever. Yes, it is some sort of liberal indictment, full of "facts" and "a page of citations," like a graphic adaption of Daily Kos. And that is exactly what FALSE WITNESS: THE MICHELE BACHMANN STORY is. When we want the cold, hard facts, we turn on the radio and listen to the Alex Jones Show. Or we read a dictionary, or the back of a cereal box, but never a comic book! And besides, everyone knows Michele Bachmann is a bible-thumping cockgobbler, you don't need to cite BARBARA TUCHMAN or whatever ....

The redeeming qualities of this comic are the subtle but effective allusions to FURRIES as well as TEA BAGGERS and GOP SLAVE INTERNS. In conclusion: this comic needs more boobs ....

The scanner works great, Josh!

GROWING ON OTHER GOSSIP GRAPEVINES: Obama's Minister of Propaganda ROBERT GIBBS has a tough job, because who can ever replace Bush sex act DANA PERINO? But jumpin' Jehosaphat! According to the crackerjack news anchors at MSNBC, Gibbs was quite a fuzzy man peach back in high school. He even wore a hippie liberal EARRING -- and still has a republican PRINCE ALBERT? Scandal! No wonder young Robert was forbidden to socialize with the débutantes at cotillion.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com

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Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug ... He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks: dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire.

Yr Wonkette is no stranger to the double-edged weapon of sarcasm, we'll admit. OR WILL WE? It's part of our postmodern toolkit, with which we seek to undermine patriotism, faith, the free market, the family, and ultimately America itself. Duh. But we would never be so naive as to think we have a monopoly on irony and sarcasm, oh no, far from it. This week, we dip into the sludge of deletia for some brilliant examples of cutting rightwing wit turned back on us, with devastating results. Hope you're not all TRIGGERED so much you have to go find a SAFE SPACE, libs!

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This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

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