Reigning and forever queen of derp Michele Bachmann has been packing her bags and strapping on her black-and-white Nikes because the Bible says the End Times are nigh, THANKS OBAMA. While she is super steamed at the president for cursing America with droughts and snowstorms because he has been a meanie to Israel, and the Bible says you can't do that, it's actually a happy time -- rejoice! -- because (actual direct quotes here) "Jesus Christ is coming back!" and "this is one of the most exciting times in history." And that means Michele Bachmann gets to rapture off to heaven, hooray, so THANKS OBAMA, but for reals, and -- hey. Hey! Why are you laughing? Stop laughing! It's in the Bible, goddamnit! Cut it out, OBAMA:

The president joked about her comments Saturday during the White House Correspondents Dinner.

“Michele Bachmann actually predicted I would bring about the biblical end of days,” Obama said. “Now that’s a legacy — that’s big. I mean, Lincoln, Washington — they didn’t do that.”

Just because secret Muslim Obama does not take the WORD OF GOD literally does not mean that Michele Bachmann is wrong. She has read the Bible, and she followed the events of the world when she was still a member of Congress and sat on the House Intelligence Committee, so she knows what she's talking about. And her fellow believers, like Jan Markell, on whose radio show Bachmann has been warning of the biblically foretold Obamapocalypse and that "our redemption draweth nigh," do NOT appreciate anyone, especially not Uppity-Heathen-In-Chief Obama, making light of that:

“What is there about a godly Christian woman that is so offensive to so many today when they are simply telling the truth as Michele is?” Markell said.

Listen, lady, we're not offended, we're just DYING of laughter that (a) hate-spewer Michele Bachmann is supposed to represent a "godly Christian woman," because Jesus was ALL about hating homosexicans and Democrats; and (b) the crazy rantings of someone who obviously stopped taking her meds as soon as soon as she left Congress are supposed to be "the truth," and not, you know, the crazy rantings of someone off her meds. Markell is not the only godly Christian, by the way, who is offended that the president made some funnies at the expense of Bachmann's Bible talk.

“Rarely has this nation witnessed the kind of hubris, arrogance and callousness as we did at the President’s Correspondents Dinner,” said Joel Richardson, an end-times author and filmmaker. “President Obama and his left-wing supporters in the media think it is absolutely hilarious that his policies could have fostered in an apocalyptic atmosphere in the earth.”

He said the end of the world had already arrived for Iraqis suffering under Islamic State cruelty – which he blamed on Obama.

Partly correct, Mr. Richardson, because we do think it's absolutely hilarious -- not that Obama's policies have caused Jesus to book a direct flight back to the United States of Israel (it was the health care reform thing that probably pushed him over the edge; Jesus frickin' HATED subsidized health care), but that there are people in this country who sincerely believe that horseshit. And some of them were actual members of Congress, with access to our nation's intelligence and the ability to, ugh dear lord, vote on legislation and affect our government.

Also, if the end draweth nigh because we destabilized Iraq and allowed the terra-rists to take over, perhaps we should be thanking and/or blaming George Dubya Bush for making that happen. Dunno, we'll look it up in the Bible and get back to you.



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