Michele Bachmann Knows Jesus Told Her To Jump Huma Abedin's Muslim Bones

When in doubt, use this picture Never forget

What's so great about Michele Bachmann is that, even though she's gone away from Congress, she's not really gone. Once in a while, she takes a break from doing her husband Marcus's nails to reassure us that she's still out there with her finger on the pulse of what's REALLY happening in the United States Of Jesus.

Old Crazy Eyes sat down for a stitch 'n 'bitch with nutbag End Times lady Jan Markell, who asked her if she regrets all the time she spent in Congress going after Hillary's best lesbian lover (allegedly! check the emails!) and gal pal adviser Huma Abedin, for being a secret infiltrator from the Muslin Brotherhood. The answer is no, because the voices of Jesus and his white-haired dad "God" were inside Michele's brain, telling her what to say:

No, not at all, because I knew the information was right. And for me, I was a believer in Jesus Christ, filled with the Holy Spirit. That doesn't mean that I'm better than anybody else, but the blessing that I had is that I was guided by the still, small voice of the Holy Spirit, and that's what I tried to actively listen to. And so that's what I tried to do is listen to his voice. And it was absolutely stunningly remarkable how the Holy Spirit literally guided me, almost moment by moment, for each of those years.

The Lord called me into Congress, very clearly. He also called me out of Congress, very clearly. I fought the Lord for almost a year in prayer, I didn't want to leave. I thought I was doing important work, but you know how it is, when you hear that voice of the Lord, and it's pressing in on your heart, it's important to obey, and I did. But I would not have changed anything.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/456462/marcus-bachmann-asks-gay-guy-to-pay-for-services-not-performed"></a>[/wonkbar]Uh huh, OK, um, well, hoo boy, sweet Jesus, boy howdy and stuff! Wonkette just wants to gently suggest that maybe Michele might want to go to her husband Marcus's Christian counseling center (which has changed its name, WONDER WHY, HMMMM WE DUNNO), just to verify whether she is actually hearing the voice of GodJesus, or whether she might maybe be schizophrenic.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/517135/michele-bachmanns-god-is-one-weird-fella"></a>[/wonkbar]Because all the shit about Hillary's bunkmate Huma being a Muslim infiltrator sounds less like "God's voice" than it sounds like "WorldNetDaily's voice." They are not actually the same! (#ReligionFact)

And during her career in the House, as she spoke about (on top of the Muslim Brotherhood stuff) the oppression of straight people, or how her "God" was going to make Obama repeal Obamacare (good luck, buddy!), was that really "God's voice"? We never expected God would sound like the ALL CAPS, misspelled old man early bird buffet farts that emanate from right-wing email forwards, but what do we know? We are not a theologian, sadly.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/515282/everything-turning-up-horse-poop-for-michele-bachmann"></a>[/wonkbar]And then when God decided to "lead Michele out" of Congress, did that have nothing to do with all the investigations into her possible crimes and ethics violations, and also how she had wasted all her dollars on a presidential run what went nowhere? Maybe that's why God was "leading her out," actually! Michele says she "fought Him in prayer" for a year over His decision to kick her bat crazy face out of Congress, and we just wonder how those conversations went:

GOD: You are one crazy motherfucker.

CRAZY EYES: Huma! Muslins! Homosexuals! My husband likes women in the sexual way, definitely!

GOD: You are one crazy motherfucker.

CRAZY EYES: But ... lesbians! Keith Ellison, the congressman from my state, is a terrorist! I am good at Congress and I am not crazy, everybody else is crazy.

GOD: ...

[wonkbar][/wonkbar]For ONE WHOLE YEAR, that went on. But now everything is fine because, in the same interview, Michele told Jan Markell her weird God chose Donald Trump to save America, so hooray, Michele Bachmann's Jesus wisdom is still with us, being ejaculatedeth from Trump's appleheaded vagina mouth. Praise the Lord!

[Right Wing Watch]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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