Michelle Obama Is Totally Fine With Creepy Comments About Her Arms
There was much to be thankful for last week in the world of our sassy FLOTUS, Michelle Obama. On Wednesday, the five or six non-obese Americans who still exist clutched their Squanto prayer beads and rejoiced, because Abominable Snowbilly Sarah Palin is not residing in the White House (yet), so the arteries of America’s children still have afighting chance. That same Thanksgiving Eve, purple scarves were thankful for becoming the go-to accessory for food pantry drop-ins. And, of course, FLOTUS fans everywhere are extremely thankful and happy to learn that their First Lady is quite pleased with all the obsessing about her arms.
Mr. and Mrs. O sat down with Barbara Walters for a Thanksgiving chat last week, and we found out many things about our First Family, like that Barack Obama has some sort of mystical force field around him that keeps the name “Sarah Palin” from reaching his ears, and that Michelle sometimes forgets to invite the Tooth Fairy to the White House.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: …I will say when, when it comes to the Tooth Fairy, you know, there was a, a little dialogue that we had with, with Malia. Well, when Michelle forgot to…
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA: Hmmm, I don't remember that.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: ...to signal the Tooth Fairy to come in...
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA: Yeah, I know…
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: ...failed to come in. And we came in and it was missing. And then we put the money in later.
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA: Because we, we hadn't called the Tooth Fairy.
PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA: And here is, and here is what Malia said. She said, "You know, whether I believe in it or not, I sure like getting the money."
This was probably not the best anecdote to share on television, since it just offers further proof that our FLOTUS is a little out of touch with American reality these days. Doesn’t she realize that most children receive liters of off-brand Wal-Mart cola under their pillows now, instead of cash? Of course, thanks to our FLOTUS’ valiant obesity-conquering efforts, they will probably be required to receive carrots instead, unless the Grizzly has anything to say about it.
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA: Well, our goal is ambitious but simple. I mean, we want to end the epidemic in a generation. We're really aiming at children born today, 'cause our goal is that if we begin shaping habits, and shaping the conversation, and providing information to parents and teachers, and engaging all of our leaders in this conversation, that we'll change the habits of young people today.
BARBARA WALTERS: Sarah Palin recently brought cookies to a school in Pennsylvania…
FIRST LADY MICHELLE OBAMA: Mm-hmm.
BARBARA WALTERS: To show her disapproval of the state's proposal to limit sweets in public schools.
Yes, Michelle’s anti-obesity campaign would probably go a lot more smoothly if Sarah Palin would stop literally making kids fatter, to prove some sort of “point.” Michelle Obama probably has to scream into her pillow every night for an hour just to keep going. Or maybe she just channels all of her frustration into her arm workouts.
Blair Burke (firstname.lastname@example.org) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.