Michelle Obama Starts Indonesian Holy War, on Twitter
After making a brief stop in Germany toserve steak to the troops, Michelle Obama has returned from last week’s Asian adventure. Our fabulous FLOTUS spent most of the trip starring in a Bollywood movie about an American first lady who takes a vacation to India to dance with children, and is then caught up in a Twitter firestorm when she accidentally seduces an Indonesian information minister with her first lady hands. Of course, many Americans probably did not know about any of this, because they were too busy sneaking Cinnabons and Kool-Aid while the FLOTUS was away to bother seeing this important movie/real-life incident.
So-called conservative Muslim Tifatul Sembiring became enchanted with Michelle Obama at a reception in Jakarta last Tuesday, and was so mesmerized by our FLOTUS that he abandoned all of his values in a moment of fiery passion and touched our Michelle’s soft-yet-powerful hands.
Immediately after a ceremony on Tuesday welcoming President Obama to Indonesia, the country’s conservative Muslim information minister took to Twitter to argue that America’s first lady, Michelle Obama, was entirely to blame for a televised handshake between the two that has left him open to charges of hypocrisy.
After footage broadcast on Indonesian television clearly showed Mr. Sembiring reaching out to clasp the first lady’s hand after they were introduced by Mr. Obama, a female journalist whose hand the minister has refused to shake poked fun at him on Twitter.
Stung, Mr. Sembiring claimed on his Twitter feed that Mrs. Obama had made it impossible for him to avoid touching her hand, writing: “I tried to prevent [being touched] with my hands but Mrs. Michelle held her hands too far toward me [so] we touched.”
Could it be that our Michelle got all gropey with an innocent Indonesian official and allowed his suffering to be exploited on the YouTube? Video evidence does seem to suggest that the minister made the first move on Michelle, although the fine Americans of Law & Order: SVU would probably argue that Michelle put the victim in a lust-induced trance, making consent impossible. It is difficult to find the truth in this situation, since on the one hand, we have our FLOTUS, who is glamorous but often threatens to take away our cheese fries and throws parties in Spanish mosques, for fun, and on the other hand, there is the word of an Indonesian official who likes to quote Hitler and make AIDS jokes. True Michelle fans know that our FLOTUS is innocent, and it is a good thing she is back in America, where she can return to her vegetable garden and be safe from such chaos. [NYT]
Blair Burke (firstname.lastname@example.org) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.