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Michelle Obama Will Cure Your Obesity and Failing Love Life

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As we all know, First Lady Michelle Obama is a style icon, a champion of healthy eating, and asuperhero. But she is also an expert on love, especially when it comes to romancing President Barack Obama. And thanks to some terrific relationship advice from our FLOTUS, instead of eating Lunchables in front of a marathon of “Hoarders” or desperately whoring themselves out on Craigslist, Americans can celebrate Valentine’s Day in a classy, fat-free manner this year, by following our FLOTUS’ ultimate secret to a healthy, happy relationship: laughing at the president.


At a White House luncheon last Tuesday, a bunch of gross reporters asked our FLOTUS how she could stand to be married to Barack Obama for so long, because she is so awesome, and he kind of seems like a drag.

"I think a lot of laughing," the first lady said Tuesday at a White House luncheon with reporters who asked about the Obamas' union. "I think in our house we don't take ourselves too seriously, and laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage.

"So we still find ways to have fun together, and a lot of it is private and personal. But we keep each other smiling and that's good," she added.

It is easy for Michelle to laugh at President Obama, because everything he does is hysterical. Whether he’s struggling with a crippling nicotine addiction or shouting about salmon, Michelle’s husband is devoted to supplying the lulz. But what could these “private and personal” fun things be, we wonder? Low-calorie food fights in the Lincoln Bedroom? Whatever they are, they have kept the Obamas together for almost twenty years – that’s pretty much the entire life expectancy of today’s obese youth!

It also helps that Obama is "very romantic."

"He remembers dates, birthdays," Mrs. Obama said last week on "Live! With Regis and Kelly.” "He doesn't forget a thing, even when I think he is... I'll have a little attitude. I give him a little attitude, but he always comes through."

"Got to keep the romance alive, even in the White House," she said.

For anyone looking to catch Michelle’s eye on this romantic day, a card and a plate of celery is not going to cut it.

As for Valentine's Day on Monday, the first lady said her husband would do right by giving her jewelry.

"You can't go wrong," she said.

Barry better come through with a perfect Valentine’s Day gift for our beloved FLOTUS – he’s probably one lame gift away from sleeping out in the vegetable garden. [AP]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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Roger Stone, you got some 'splainin' to do, Mister! Remember all those times Stone swore on his Nixon tattoo that he never had any contact with Russians, wasn't a campaign surrogate, and wasn't tipped off to stolen DNC emails in advance? Like that time he told the Washington Post:

"I've never been to Russia. I didn't talk to anybody who was identifiably Russian during the two-year run-up to this campaign," he said. "I very definitely can't think of anybody who might have been a Russian without my knowledge. It's a canard."

Stone told the House Intelligence Committee the same thing last September, but, LOL FUNNY STORY! Seems that Stone just plum forgot about that time in May, 2016 when Trump communications advisor Michael Caputo asked him to meet with Henry Greenberg, "a man with a Make America Great Again hat and a viscous Russian accent." The Washington Post reports, Greenberg was offering sexxxxy Russian dirts on Hillary Clinton, which Stone and Caputo were only too happy to grab by the pussy. But they just couldn't get there!

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Congressman Beto O'Rourke, who hopes to replace Ted Cruz in the US Senate this fall, is one of several Texas and El Paso leaders participating in a march to the just-opened tent city at the US/Mexico border in Tornillo, Texas, where children have already been imprisoned "placed."

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