Michelle Plays Football For America's Fat Children

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If you got out the beer and cold cuts and had the neighbors over to watch 9/11 on the teevee the other day, perhaps you saw our First Lady Michelle Obama mark the occasion with avisit to Shanksville, Pennsylvania, home of a couple of mills and the terrible Flight 93 crash site. Laura Bush was there, too, and she reminded us that “on this day, Americans had no division,” right before Michelle Obama reminded us that they “came from all different backgrounds” and we were confused, because how can we have no division if we are not all the same? At least we can take comfort in knowing that there are two things we do have in common as Americans, besides our love of all things 9/11: our struggle with obesity and the idolatry of professional athletes. Last week, our FLOTUS brought us all of our favorite things.


On Wednesday, Michelle donned a "puff sleeve charcoal top" to play some football with children in New Orleans, which was probably offensive to begin with, somehow, because nothing says Broken Levee + Lotsa Oil like a gray shirt. But Michelle was not in Louisiana to make a fashion statement or talk about anything oil-related, except the oil that America’s Youth is ingesting on a daily basis on their pizzas and French fries and other light snacks.

"We're here because of you," she told about 70 students from the metropolitan New Orleans area. "We want you guys to grow up strong and healthy. Anyone can be smart and funny but if you're not in good health, we know that you will have a hard way to go."

Oh, America's children. They are so smart, from reading important non-fiction books like "Harry Potter" and "Twilight," and they are hilarious, posting videos of themselves lip syncing to Justin Bieber songs on the YouTube and sexually harassing strangers on whatever replaced Chatroulette. But holy hell, they are so fat. Luckily, the First Lady is not the only role model in the War on Calories. She was joined last week by cool football people like NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, former Colts coach Tony Dungy, and former players Deuce McAllister and Rodney Harrison. Terrific! Who better to encourage our children to get up off their asses than representatives from a sport that actively encourages entire weekends of ass-sitting? In addition to the NFL, our FLOTUS is apparently teaming up with lunch ladies, who will "educate" the kids.

"The reality is that our schools are on the front lines of our efforts to fight childhood obesity," she said. "The nutrition education they get at schools might be the only guidance they get on making healthy decisions about what they eat."

If only our FLOTUS could be the lunch lady, at every school in America! How could you refuse a tasty bag of baby carrots from the fabulous Michelle? [AP]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

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