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Middle-Aged 'Young Guns' Write New Book to Save America

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Virginia Congress-Whip Eric Cantor and his fellow Republican"Young Guns" Kevin McCarthy and Paul Ryan have collaborated on Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders, a new novel that captures the vigor and vitality of America's most sensible political movement. But will anyone actually buy this holy text when it comes out next month, now that the influential tastemakers at Politico have panned it?


Maybe if they watch the inspirational commercial for it, they will. If this doesn't move you spiritually, then you are probably a lost cause/libtarded/a Muslin who's plotting some sort of coup:

The libs at Politico seem to be plotting a coup to ruin the book's sales. Calling Young Guns "a 224-page marketing tool for the men who hope to run the House," they complain that the book is heavy on slamming Demorats, but offers "limited prescriptions for change." Also, it is reportedly catty and nasty, leaving out GOP shining lights such as party chairman Michael Steele (still spry at 53!) and Senate GOP Leader Mitch McConnell.

In marketing their new bible, our three Congressmen-authors give themselves catchy nicknames that promote their personal brands while strengthening the message of the collective. Cantor is The Leader, Ryan is The Thinker, and McCarthy is The Strategist. We had to ponder the origins of these fancy new monikers for a while, but eventually figured out why they're appropriate:

  • Cantor is America's top YouCutter, delegating responsibility to The People. Delegation is a leadership quality.
  • McCarthy strategizes by voting no on children's health insurance, Medicare, Medicaid, and other socialisms, which strategically frees up more money for spying and warring.
  • Ryan comes up with "Roadmaps" and bullshit tax proposals that he thinks about sometimes, in his bubble-bath chamber/Reagan shrine.

[Young Guns website/Politico/Washington Post]

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