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Mike Huckabee Can't Believe Obamas Allow Girls To Listen To Beyonce, Who Is A Prostitute

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Mike Huckabee, a man so unpleasant that dogs will commit suicide to avoid being dragged home to meet him, has been looking for a way he can distinguish himself as this election cycle’s go-to moral scold. Not content to call a black entertainer a pimp for letting his singer wife dance around on a stage like a common tart, he has now gone after two of the singer’s fans by questioning their parents’ judgment for letting them listen to her music. Oh, and those fans happen to be Malia and Sasha Obama. Damn kids, always listening to that Negro jazz and swinging their hips around like horny sex monsters and such!


Let us gaze upon a grown man publicly questioning the parenting skills of a sitting president and first lady like a common asshole, and despair.

I don't understand how on one hand they can be such doting parents and so careful about the intake of everything – how much broccoli they eat and where they go to school and making sure they're kind of sheltered and shielded from so many things – and yet they don't see anything that might not be suitable for either a preteen or a teen in some of the lyrical content and choreography of Beyoncé, who has sort of a regular key to the door (of the White House.)

Well, perhaps because the girls are teenagers and old enough to have developed their own taste in music, and also their mom is a pretty big Beyonce fan, while your psychopath of a son has a history of torturing and killing small animals so who the fuck are you to question whether someone else is raising their kids in an appropriate fashion? Isn’t there some biblical verse about a plank in one’s own eye, or were you sick the day they taught the Bible in Baptist Minister school?

Maybe if Beyoncé’s act is truly, as Huck says in his new book, “obnoxious and toxic mental poison in the form of song lyrics,” we should banish this jezebel to wander alone forever in the Bonneville Salt Flats, clad in nothing but last year’s fashions, lest she pollute our culture any further. Censorship worked so well for Tipper Gore.

"Government shouldn't try to dictate what art looks like or what it portrays," he says. "Last thing we want is government screwing it up, which is what they would do."

Typical wingnut. How dare government try to impose any kind of morality on anyone! That’s our job!

Would it surprise you to know that Huckabee goes on to praise the Duggars and says the only reality TV he can stand is 19 Kids & Counting & Oh Holy Christ Skipping Rope With an Umbilical Cord, Woman, Your Vagina Must Be Wider Than the Lincoln Tunnel By Now because it’s so “wholesome and wonderful”? Of course it wouldn’t.

Poor Huck. He really needs a cause now that he has apparently run out of famous sluts to lecture for having babies out of wedlock, and his other favorite bailiwicks are becoming less mainstream now that Americans seem more okay with gay people getting married and less okay with black people getting shot to death for no reason. What a world.

[People]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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