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Dear practitioners of homogay buttsechs, Mike Huckabee -- former Arkansas governor, Baptist minister, once and future failed presidential candidate, once and future Fox News host, Ted Nugent’s buddy (which does not at all make him a big ol’ hypocrite, no you shut up), America’s Great Moral Scold -- would like you to know that he would just love to be your friend, because he doesn’t discriminate against friends based on their Lifestyle Choice, even if those Lifestyle Choices will condemn them to an eternity of roasting in perdition’s flames. Gosh, some of his friends use naughty words and drink the devil’s liquid, and Mike Huckabee is still their friend, because he is a Nice Guy.

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And so, Mr. Homogay Buttsexxxer, Mike Huckabee, beneficent preacherman that he is, is perfectly willing to be your pal … as long as you allow him to impose his religious dogma as civil law, of course. (And no, that’s nothing like Creeping Shariah, which is the Real Threat to Our Freedom. Don’t be dumb.)

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"I don’t shut people out of my circle or out of my life because they have a different point of view. I don’t drink alcohol, but gosh, a lot of my friends — maybe most of them — do. I don’t use profanity, but believe me I’ve got a lot of friends who do. Some people really like classical music and ballet and opera. It’s not my cup of tea." Huckabee said on CNN. "I hope the party doesn’t change its overall view, but the very fact that I talk about relationships I have with friends who are gay, indicate that I’m not a person who shuts everybody out around me who disagrees."

Being gay is like listening to Beethoven. He prefers The Nuge. Tom-a-to, tom-ah-to. If you close your eyes and remove your cerebral cortex -- congratulations, you’re now in Hucks’ target demo! -- it almost sounds reasonable.

Except we don’t remember hearing The Nuge calling for a ban on classical music listening. Go on, Hucks:

"This is not just a political issue. It is a biblical issue. And as a biblical issue, unless I get a new version of the scriptures, it’s really not my place to say, ‘Okay, I’m just going to evolve.’ It’s like asking somebody who’s Jewish to start serving bacon-wrapped-shrimp in their deli. ... or asking a Muslim to serve up something that is offensive to him or to have dogs in his backyard," he said. "We’re so sensitive to make sure we don’t offend certain religions, but then we act like Christians can’t have the convictions that they’ve had for over 2,000 years."

First of all, bullshit. The church’s anti-gay orthodoxy did not come about until the Middle Ages, and there’s some evidence the early church, or at least some segments of it, was probably entirely cool with gay coupling, and they even had ceremonies called the "Office of Same Sex Union" and the "Order for Uniting Two Men."

Also, too, the red letters in Huckabee's Bible don’t say word one about man-on-man action, but hey, whatever. Let’s go back to that other part, about how asking him to accept gay marriage is just like asking a Jewish deli to serve bacon-wrapped shrimp. And we’re going to let Dan Savage answer for us:

And American Muslims are also free to own dogs. Or not. That’s the beauty of America, or at least the version of America that we teach to schoolchildren. We can all do what we want, abide by our own consciences and dictates. But for Hucks, that doesn’t apply if he disapproves of what you do with your junk.

In other Huckabee news, he stopped by the politically powerful First Baptist Church of Jacksonville this weekend -- where he was, wink wink, encouraged to run for president -- and, surprise, he had some more thoughts on the great gay plague. This time, though, they weren’t his good friends, just like the swearers.

He said there is a cultural disconnect in America as evidenced by the issue of same-sex marriage. Christians like himself can feel isolated and lost amid three bubbles of influence – New York, Hollywood and Washington, D.C., Huckabee said.

“Sometimes, because the culture that we are surrounded with and bombarded with is so overwhelming, we just don’t think anybody believes like us any more. We think that we are marginal, insignificant, that we simply don’t even matter.”

Huckabee will go on to prove how relevant these folks are by finishing fifth in Iowa next year. But at least he’ll have some queer friends to cry to.

[Talking Points Memo / Florida Times-Union]

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