Hey, remember that fat white guy who lost weight and now wants to put the 'white' back in White House? No, not the one whatcloses bridges because of petty political bickering -- the other GOP white guy, the one who rocks out on gee-tar. Yeah, Mike Huckabee. He is back in the news because the news hates us and wants us to be unhappy today and forever. Continuing today's trend of plagiarizing, the Huffington Post reports that Huckabee will soon be launching... wait for it... The Huckabee Post! Where, oh where, did he come with such a creative and original name? Let's sadsplore what kind of awfulness we can expect from the Huckster. 

Just to jog your memory, Mike Huckabee used to be governor of Arkansas, when he was a self-described Fattie McFatterson. No one else know anything else about him, except that he lost a bunch of weight. Oh yeah, and he was a former Baptist minister, so he and God are super-duper tight. After being a giant failure in the 2008 GOP primary, he got himself a sweet deal from Fox News to host a weekly tee-vee show where he could be folksy and religiousy and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. He did the normal stuff -- kids died in Newtown because of slutty slut-women and their slutpills; we should murder the United Nations in their sleep -- you know, the kind of stuff we expect from a washed-up politician throwing red meat to the wingnut wing of the party.

But Huckabee recently left his gig at Fox News, fueling speculation that he wanted to lose to Hillary in 2016. However, it turns out that Mike just wants to add his blather to the bloated political and entertainment interplex:

Last week, Mediaite came across a Craigslist post calling for reporters to join Huckabee Post in its New York City and Washington D.C. offices.

We always troll Craigslist for Wonket writers, mainly because writers here are also likely to be looking for hot anonymous sexytimes under the North Capitol Street bridge. And gently used recliners at reasonable prices.

What will this undoubtedly awesome site be discussing?

The listing describes the publication as "a new and exciting online news publication covering news on politics, US, international, media, sports and other general news."

We can just see the headlines now:

  • Rick Santorum's Holiday Christmas Masterpiece Snubbed By Hollywood Liberal Oscar Activists
  • 38 Ways the War on Christmas Shows Creeping Sharia Law Attempting to Murder White Santa
  • War on Women Easier to Fight on Full Stomach: 24 Recipes Guaranteed To Satisfy Your Man

We have no idea how this will be different from The Daily Caller, Breitbart's Home for the Braindead Monkey Brigade, or any of the other zillions of conservative websites polluting our digital inter-tubes. Perhaps it will be more Jesus-y? Sure, let's go with that. Because if there is anything missing in modern American culture, it is conservative voices cramming Jesus down our throat.

[Huffington Post]

If you really want to torture your eyeballs more, you can follow DDM on Twitter: @wonksplainer

Donate with CC

Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

Donate with CC

While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

  • Saturday, Aug 11th ....... Seattle, WA
    Discovery Park, 4-7pm
  • Sunday, Aug 12th ....... Bellingham, WA
    Sunnyland Park, 2-5pm
  • Sunday, Aug 19th ....... Spokane, WA
    Audubon Park, 2-5pm

Read More

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc