Donate
Culture

Here Is Your Bloody Kurt Vonnegut Again, For The Centenary Of The Armistice

'We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."

It is November 11, 2018, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made us want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 100th anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our seventh consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday here at Wonkette, if you can believe that, and for a change, what with the Armistice centenary and all, we're going to write an at least partly new column for the occasion instead of reprinting the old one and adding one more Vonnegut quote about war and peace. Last year's column had ballooned to 2600 words, and good heavens, that's a lot of Vonnegut even for us (there is never too much Vonnegut).

Of course, it is mandatory we begin properly, with the quote from Breakfast of Champions that we take down from the attic every year, because what's a tradition without the proper decorations?

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Jim Acosta: American Hero. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Nov. 8, 2018

Another mass shooting, the White House revokes Jim Acosta's press pass, and House Republicans start stabbing each other in the face. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Don't Boo, Vote! Wonkagenda For Mon., Nov. 5, 2018

Trump makes the midterms about scary brown people, and Republicans have a white nationalist problem. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Immigrants

Donald Trump Just Wants To Shoot Refugees *For Freedom*, Is That So Wrong?

Operation Migrant Panic isn't going to launch itself!

Donald Trump isn't just sending more troops to the border than are currently deployed in Afghanistan, all for the sake of "protecting" America from a bunch of migrants fleeing violence (who are still weeks away, in an ever-dwindling caravan). Oh gosh no. After the "distracting" murders at a synagogue by a fellow white supremacist and the mail bombs sent by Trump's biggest fan, Trump needed some heavy-duty pandering to make sure his base got right back into Immigration Panic mode, so he went on the teevee and announced Operation Constant Erection, and during a half-hour waste of time on national cable news, promised to shoot some of those awful caravaners if they were to get of line.

Keep reading... Show less
Science

Trump's Spy Machine Stalking Twitter For 'Insurrection'

There's a military social media spy machine, and the Trump administration hid it.

The Trump administration is scraping social media in order to spy on anti-Trump protests, but that's not all! Curiously vague updates to the new defense doctrine give the military more authority to act in the event of "emergencies," like an insurrection or an invasion of taco trucks. With such broad tools you'd think a definitely not racist person like Trump might find a way to stop a mass murder or two.

Motherboard reports that when the Trump administration took office it inherited a fancy new computer to spy on the social media of Not America. It didn't take long for someone to wonder if it could be used to spy on all the communists who didn't vote for Trump. The Army cut some nerds a check to follow the 2016 post-election protests, like at the inauguration, the airport protests, and the Women's March. They found that whenever people wear their pink pussy hats and march in the streets they usually post a lot on social media. The report concluded that by cyber stalking social networks, you can predict the likelihood of violent protests.

After realizing what neat little toys the Obama administration had been cooking up, the Intelligence Advanced Research Projects Activity (IARPA) took its social media spy machine, called Embers, and moved it to the private sector. Safely hidden from the prying eyes of pesky FOIAs, the Trump administration can simply pay someone else do the legally dubious and dirty work of spying on Americans.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

'Consider It A Rifle.' Wonkagenda For Fri., Nov. 2, 2018

They want to have a massacree. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

'When I Can, I Tell The Truth.' Wonkagenda for Thurs., Nov. 1, 2018

Trump will build his wall with soldiers, there's a new "Willie Horton ad," and more post-Halloween horrors. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Nice. Wonkagenda For Thurs., Oct. 25, 2018

More bombs discovered, Trump blames the media (again), and zombie TrumpCare just won't die. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

Nuclear Treaties? John Bolton Just Wants To Blow Some Sh*t Up

It's Trump's bomb, we're just along for the ride.

On Friday, Trump's White House announced it wanted to kill a Soviet-era arms treaty. Over the weekend, people who try to prevent nuclear holocausts noted that this was a bad idea and urged the administration to reconsider. Today, Trump's resident war machine, John Bolton, went to Moscow to formally announce that we're going all-in on the Trump Cold War. Now might be a good time to start practicing that old "duck and cover" routine.

Keep reading... Show less
White Nonsense

Beware The Return Of Zombie TrumpCare Junior, Again. Wonkagenda For Tues., Oct. 23, 2018

Turkey's drip-drip-drip, Trump strips away MORE healthcare protections, and Alex Jones yells at a pile of shit. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Post-Racial America

The Andrew Gillum/Ron DeSantis MURRRRRDER Debate, Pt. Deux!

It's a special Florida gov debate Sunday Rundown!

Hello Wonks! Welcome to a very special Sunday Rundown as we cover some moments from the CNN's "The Florida Governor's Debate." Did Stephen already write this up? Well you can't over-cover a MURRRRDERRRR.

Moderated by Sunday Rundown favorite Jake Tapper, the debate was the very definition of contrast, from the calm and precise demeanor of Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum to the more frantic and misleading nervousness of Congressman Ron DeSantis. It was a debate in which Andrew Gillum showed why he should be the next governor of Florida. You know besides that WE LURVE HIM and RON DESANTIS SUX GOATBALLS. Highlights forthwith!

Keep reading... Show less
Everywhere Else News

'Bone Saw Body Double' Such Bad Plan, Jared Kushner Could Have Come Up With It

We're beyond parody at this point.

Hang it up, Tarantino! You will never top the Saudis for bumbling gore. Life has overtaken art! Remember way back at the beginning of this hideous Bone Saw Saga when the Saudis said, "NUH UH! Jamal Khashoggi snuck out the back door of the Turkish consulate, totally unharmed. And we can prove it!" More or less.

Turns out, in addition to the bone saw and the autopsy expert with his dismemberment playlist queued up on the iPod, the 15-man entourage that flew into Istanbul to meet the dissident reporter contained a BODY DOUBLE. As is customary for consular visits with critics of the Kingdom, no doubt.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

'We Got A Great Big Convoy.' Wonkagenda For Mon. Oct. 22, 2018

Turkey's got tapes, there's more Russian hacking, and a caravan immigrants. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Russia

GOOD MORNING MONTANA. Wonkagenda For Fri., Oct. 19, 2018

Trump tries to change the story, Zinke gets caught grifting, and Nikki Haley's got jokes. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc