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Unsure if Borat or an incredible simulation

Some recently unsealed documents in a federal case against three assholes who bombed a mosque indicate that they may have carried out "missions" for "higher ups" -- an as-yet unidentified group of domestic terrorists. It could all be bunkum, but the guys who followed -- then ratted out -- their would-be bomb genius leader seemed to think it was all real.

The three-dildo militia group called themselves the "Illinois Patriot Freedom Fighters 3% Militia" for formal militia occasions (which call for camouflage tie and tails). But for more casual moments, they were the "White Rabbits," after the many unintelligible charts using the phrase "follow the white rabbit" popular among QAnon queefmongers. You can bet they've never read a word of Lewis Carroll, or anything else. Almost exactly a year ago, the White Rabbits bombed a mosque in Bloomington, Minnesota; nobody was injured, although that was mostly just luck, since worshippers had started arriving for Saturday services.

You might remember the White House's angry condemnation of the hate crime. Haha, we joke at you! Donald Trump didn't say a word, because as sebaceous Sebastian Gorka explained at the time, the Great Man wanted to make sure it wasn't actually a false flag attack "propagated by the left." And when the assholes were arrested and turned out to have wanted to scare Muslims out of the USA, to "show them hey, you're not welcome here, get the fuck out," well, the White House had moved on to other things, like Infrastructure Week #47. In addition to the mosque bombing, the Wet Robots attempted to bomb a women's clinic, tried to extort money from a railroad after damaging a section of track, and attempted to sell phony patriot money they called "White Rabbit Currency" -- which they claimed could be exchanged for gold at a nonexistent "White Rabbit Bank." You may be astonished to learn the scam did not make them rich.


The ringleader of the White Rabbits was one Michael B. Hari, 47, a contractor from Clarence, Illinois, who also claimed to run a "security contracting" business constructed of stock photos of tanks and pictures of scary Muslims on the internet. He recruited two fellow believers in purifying America, Michael McWhorter, 29, and Joe Morris, 22, who later rolled over on him for federal prosecutors, which is how we know about this new verkakte craziness with the "higher ups," as reported by the Daily Beast yesterday.

According to a federal affidavit in the case, a search warrant was granted to search a ProtonMail email account used by Hari; federal investigators cleverly got around that email service's tough encryption by being given the password by Morris as part of his cooperation agreement.

Morris told investigators that Hari used the ProtonMail account to communicate with those "higher ups," as well as approximately 13 other similar militia groups. The White Rabbits' "higher ups" gave them orders for "missions," McWhorter and Morris said.

One of those alleged "missions" was a January 17 attack on a stretch of rural Illinois railroad track, McWhorter said. Allegedly while following orders from superiors, the trio used jumper cables and explosive to damage the tracks and a crossing gate. Hari then allegedly used the ProtonMail email account to contact the railroad company and threaten to blow up more tracks unless the company paid a ransom.

Also in January, the dipshit militia tried to urge other militias -- in an online militia forum, which has to be a very sad place -- to get more violent, because "Democracy is dead, there is no republic. The President isn't in charge, and the militias are sitting on their butts and preening themselves." But nobody would send them lawyers, guns, or money, even though they were quite certain the shit had hit the fan.

Hari, clearly not the steely-eyed judge of patriot character he thought he was, "told Morris that if Hari ever got arrested, Morris should assume control over the illinoispatriot@protonmaiI.com account," according to the affidavit. Then again, if Hari forgot to follow that with, "And by the way, don't tell the password to the feds," he really has no one to blame but himself. You really have to pick your underlings carefully when you're planning a revolution.

No word yet on whether investigators have had any luck identifying anyone higher up the chain of fools of command. McWhorter told an FBI agent two of the people Hari had mentioned went by "Ben Lewis" and "Congo Joe," so you know those are for sure militia leader guys. We bet they're hiding out with Smoothie, Shifty, and D-Money. Sadly, the "higher ups" appear to have abandoned the poor widdle bunnies, leaving them all alone in the spotlight at the end of their sad opera, a single broken flower dripping rainwater upon them. Shortly before they were arrested, the group sent out an SOS:

"We have sent requests for help to various militia groups, so far very little response," the group wrote in the militia forum, encouraging other militias to "please email us at illinoispatriot@protonmail.com for more information several of us have gone underground and desperately need support.

"We are not kooks or liars."

And not even Grandpa Simpson was there to reassure them they aren't crackpots, no not at all.

When they go dumb, Yr Wonkette goes smart. Or at least smartass. Click here to support us, or use the handy tip jar below!

[Daily Beast]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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