Twelve Rapey Men: A Preview Of Tomorrow's Brett Kavanaugh Shitshow!
Greetings, America! Tomorrow, September 27, 2018, is going to be a SHITSHOW.
We don't know exactly how it's going to go down, because this is Trump's America, and plans are subject to grab themselves by the pussy or otherwise change, but right now, we are anticipating testimony in the Senate Judiciary Committee from Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, who says SCOTUS nominee Brett Kavanaugh tried to rape her when they were in high school, and also from Judge Maybe Rapey himself.
After that, because the 11 GOP dicks on the Judiciary Committee anticipate that nothing will ever stop them from protecting Kavanaugh, even if he turns out to be a full-blown rapist, committee chair Chuck Grassley has issued notice that they might just go ahead and try to vote Kavanaugh out of committee on Friday. And if that works out, maybe the Senate can vote on Tuesday, just like Mitch McConnell wants! And if that means they have to put a sexual predator on the Supreme Court, well, they did that with Clarence Thomas and also PSSSSSST there is one in the White House, so NO BIGGIE.
Everything's totally normal, in other words!
Here's what we know so far about how tomorrow will go down, assuming it goes down:
Mitch McConnell Even Sexist Toward Aunt Lydia Hired By Committee To Tase Kavanaugh Accuser
Would you look at this video of the Senate's head motherfucker Mitch McConnell announcing that the Senate Judiciary Committee had hired a lady lawyer to question Christine Blasey Ford, so that the 500-year-old Republican men on the committee won't be accused of sexism when they ask if she has ever owned a short skirt?
McConnell says they've hired a "female" and then he seems to get stuck. What comes after "female"? Is it "lawyer"? Hahahaha, no, that's weird. What about "special counsel"? LMAO that's not a girl job! Finally he settles on "assistant," because that's what ladies are, right? Assistants!
In truth, Rachel Mitchell -- the lawyer they've hired so the GOP can completely abdicate its responsibilities -- is more like an inquisitor, because the GOP's point here is to put Christine Blasey Ford on trial and "prove" that Bitches Be Lyin', or at least give the GOP enough cover to say "it's just a he said, she said!" And if it's just he said she said, then HE should naturally get a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court! It's only fair.
Mitchell is a prosecutor from Maricopa County, Arizona -- yes, Joe Arpaio's Maricopa County -- and as the Washington Post explains, she heads the special victims unit in the county attorney's office. From what we can tell, though, Maricopa SVU is not "Law & Order: SVU" and this lady is not Olivia Benson. Though some of the people WaPo talked to said Mitchell is very good at her job, there's also at least circumstantial evidence that she could be a li'l bit religious lunatic, so that would be awesome.
Hey, maybe she'll do a good job! Or maybe she'll be Aunt Lydia! Who can say!
Oh yeah, Wonkette can say, and what we're saying is that this is fucked up because CHRISTINE BLASEY FORD IS NOT ON FUCKING TRIAL HERE. Therefore, there is no need for a prosecutor, lady or otherwise, religious lunatic from Gilead or otherwise.
Republicans are saying "Well, we had a special counsel for Iran Contra! This is the same!" To which we reply FUCK YOU, it is not the same, you rat bastards, and you know it.
OK, But It's Gonna Be Over By Lunchtime, Right?
Here is the format, as far as we have been able to see, for what will surely be a VERY THOROUGH hearing where the Republicans on the committee are REALLY taking Dr. Christine Blasey Ford VERY SERIOUSLY:
TOTALLY NORMAL! Each senator gets five minutes, no follow-ups, and the Republicans won't talk at all, because they will be yielding to Aunt Lydia, who is responsible for misguided handmaids. Totally normal. Just great. Your Senate in action, everyone!
Any Links We Can Read For More Information, Wonkette?
What do you think this is, the Wonkagenda? But yes, in service of our laziness, we'll throw you a few links you can read for yourselves, so we don't have to take time describing them:
- Kavanaugh's Yale classmates are coming forward to say that his portrayal of himself as a non-blackout-drunk who just studied and sang in the choir and focused on friendship is fully 100% bullshit, and they know, because they actually knew the fucker in college.
- Meanwhile, Christine Blasey Ford has offered up four new witnesses to corroborate her account, people the committee might want to call, you know, if they were actually fucking serious about this, which they aren't.
- Oh by the way, the lawyer for Kavanaugh's second accuser Deborah Ramirez says she just might be willing to testify, under the right conditions. But we're sure Chuck Grassley and Mitch McConnell have had it up to here with these so-called sexual assault victims, and the GOP will continue to ignore her.
Anything Else Happening That Day?
Oh nothing, just Donald Trump meeting with Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein to decide if he's going to YOU'RE FIRED him around 5 PM.
Oh yeah, and Michael Avenatti might be comin' down the road with Kavanaugh's third accuser sometime between now and tomorrow's hearing, so EVERYTHING could change between now and then.
Regardless, Wonkette will be liveblogging! We GUARANTEE YOU that.
So everybody head to the liquor store and stock up, because we got a long couple days ahead of us.
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