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Mitch McConnell Hearts Gays, Except He Doesn't Because He Sucks At Life

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We all know that every problem in America can be blamed on the liberals, with our absolute belief that man-on-dog-on-snowman sex should be taught as Biblically sanctioned in second grade classrooms. Let’s just face facts -- we liberals love us some LGBTQs, and we have no bigger champion in our fold than Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. Wait, what? Per The Hill:


Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) is taking fire from the Senate Conservatives Fund, which has endorsed his primary challenger Matt Bevin, for his support for a Kentucky judge that recently ruled the state must recognize same-sex marriages.

Welcome to the right side of history, Mitch! Your arranged marriage to a folding chair is scheduled for later this week. Let’s same-sexplore. 

It appears that Mitch has joined our team because he recommended a judge to the federal bench, and now that judge has done something to cause butthurt for true conservatives:

McConnell recommended U.S. district judge John Heyburn to the federal bench in the early 1990s and, in testimony on his behalf, referred to him as a “progressive Republican” and an "excellent judicial appointment.” Heyburn ruled last month that Kentucky must recognize same-sex marriages performed in other states.

Well, it seems that we might have liked this early '90s Mitch McConnell. Recommending a progressive Republican to the bench? Then again, that was back when there were progressive Republicans.

In the radio ad, the people talking make sure to point out that “progressive” means “liberal,” so it is obvious that McConnell is doing Obama in the butt. We look forward to that campaign billboard.

Is McConnell really down with two chicks or two dudes tying the knot? Alas, no.

McConnell has said that he opposed the court’s decision on the issue.

“I am a traditionalist and support that position, but regardless of one’s personal view on the issue, we should be able to agree that only the people of Kentucky, through the legislative process, should have the authority to change the law, not the courts,” he told the Courier Journal, shortly after Heyburn issued his ruling.

Preach on, Mitch! If a state like Virginia Kentucky wants to say that interracial gay marriage is wrong in 1967 2014 then damn right that the courts should not stick their noses in it! Can we get an amen?

[The Hill]

Follow DDM on Twitter (@Wonksplainer) because he loves snowmen and snowwomen equally.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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