Mitt Romney Back In Private Equity, Everybody Hide Your Pensions


We have been so very concerned for our dear friend Willard, who has lost too many elections now to be able to keep trying not to lose them. Where would he go? What would hedo? A man's gotta eat, and when you can only scrape together $13.7 million a year by continuing to exist, you need a second stream of income. Who was in the market for an aging man who's been unemployed since 2007 and has a history of Vulcan-gripping rappers on airplanes?

His son!

Indeed, NBC reports Mitt Romney is now, finally, gainfully employed:

NBC News has learned that Romney is returning to the private sector, joining his eldest son Tagg's investment firm, Solamere Capital, as chairman of the executive committee.

What does this mean, you ask? We do not know! We have not had any personal contact with any "executive committees," and the word "chairman" makes us think only of an extremely boring superhero. It's notable, though, that he is still not "president" of anything. At least now he'll probably have dental coverage.

A person with knowledge of the deal tells NBC that Romney is planning to work with Solamere for one week a month. He will be advising on matters of private equity, and is not planning to fundraise at all for the firm.

What, you thought he was going to work full time? When would he have time to read books like Twilight, and watch movies like Twilight? He doesn't need to be there more than one week a month anyway — it doesn't take long to say, "Borrow some money, buy that company, stomp it to death with debt then run away with the money." Do that a bunch of times, run for president, rinse, repeat. (And try to avoid the billion-dollar ponzi schemers, as it will take everyone at least 20 minutes to forget that happened.)



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