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Romney Firm Too Busy Firing People For Not Being Mormon To Create Those Jobs He Keeps Talking About

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What kind of underwear do you have on? Are they magical? No?Outta here! Bain Capital, a job creating powerhouse established by America’s number one job creator Mitt Romney, is being sued by a group of people that claim they were fired for not being part of the Mormon church (LDS). This rogue group of secular sweat hogs were threatening the very foundation of ethics and morals Bain was built on. It was time to call out Romney Rooter and snake out these infiltrators of normalcy and make sure that the pains in Bain go mainly down the drain.


Curtis Toone and Mike Scott are two of Bain's most elite ‘cleaners.’ The dynamic duo were dispatched to the scene where the 52- to 62-year-old non-Mormon terrorists were running amok converting everyone they touched to free-balling philanderers. Ex-employee David McCurdy is one of the tribal warriors set on destroying the job creation power station. His four disciples follow closely behind waving their litigious wands, casting spells and wearing boxer briefs. Luckily for Bain, they were caught and expelled before they could do anymore harm, but these employees already established their litigation lair and are ready to have the ultimate battle between good and evil.

So why are they suing exactly?

“SCP partners, in particular Curtis Toone and Mike Scott, made comments about religion and questioned the beliefs of Plaintiffs and other employees.”

The five ex-employees of Bain are asking for $5.35 million in damages for breach of oral contract, discrimination, promissory estoppel and retaliation and $5 million more for “mental and emotional distress.” The plaintiffs claim they had an oral agreement for a five year employment contract with raises over time. Bain claims, ‘nuh uh’. Seven months into their alleged five year contract, the plaintiffs were released from their duties with the explanation that Bain would no longer be making investments in the senior housing industry. One of Bain’s golden rules to making profits is to hire people four years and five months longer than their assigned task. The plaintiffs are represented by Ann Foster, with Dunn Carney Allen Higgins & Tongue, of Portland. Everyone knows when it comes to anything oral, Tongue is the best. [Courthouse News]

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On Monday, Gloria Vanderbilt -- socialite, jeans lady, and mom of Anderson Cooper -- passed away at the age of 95. In more normal times, this would merely result in a few obituaries and tributes about her life, and the requisite few RIP tweets.

Unfortunately, we do not live in normal times. These days, no celebrity can die without it becoming the purview of the crazypants QAnon cult, followers of which believe that no one ever dies under normal circumstances, especially not 95-year-old ladies.

Vanderbilt and her family were already something of an obsession with these people due to several "Q proofs" accusing her of doing magic spells, wearing magic illuminati owl necklaces, and [checks notes] doing something involving "red shoes," which the QAnon people think people only wear if they love sacrificing children to Satan.

Yes, this is a thing. No, I do not know if they are also mad at Elvis Costello.

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Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.

4. MONEY.

5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

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