Mitt to Beg Voters to Overlook His Scary and Confusing Religion
28% of Americans refuse to vote for a Mormon, which poses a problem for Mormon presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Because unlike black people or New Yorkers or any number of the other groups of people who won't vote for Mitt, most of those 28% are probably Republicans. And Mitt gets harassed about his nutty beliefs and magic pajamas by yahoos like us everywhere he goes, when he'd much, much rather talk about how none of his sons are gays and how we need to save all the stem cells from Osama bin Pelosi.
According to Robert Novak, Romney has no idea how to deal with the Mormon thing, which is why he keeps getting so testy about it. But his handlers have decided that he needs to face it head-on with a big important speech about how disliking people who are different from you is un-American (unless they are brown). And they're working on this important speech! But it doesn't really seem to be going well.
Although there is still disagreement within the Romney camp, the consensus is that he must address the Mormon question with a speech deploring bias. According to campaign sources, a speech has been written, though 90 percent of it could still be changed. It is not yet determined exactly what he will say or at what point he will deliver a speech that could determine the political outcome of 2008.
So -- they need to make an important speech, at some point, but they don't really know what it will say or when to make it. It's a good thing he's running against the ugly Law & Order guy, Empress Giuliani, and WALNUTS!
Our suggestion for the speech: a dramatic recitation of the classic Curtis Mayfield song, "(Don't Worry) If There's a Hell Below We're All Gonna Go."