Reflections On A Corona-40th-Birthday Spent Wood-Grabbing

By definition, it's not an 'impulse buy' if you thought it all the way through.

I didn't expect my 40th birthday to begin with a physical challenge. And I didn't expect there to be a second round of the physical challenge an hour later that was timed.

But that is the situation I absolutely created for myself, it is nobody's fault but mine.

Allow me to back up.

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God. He's A Real Motherf*cker.

Passover: a festivus for the rest of us!

I am not very good at Jewish. My brothers were bar mitzvahed but by the time they got to me, my mom had stopped taking us to Hebrew school, and it's not like my dad was going to do it. I was mostly Catholic anyway. When Liz told me last night was the first day of Passover, and I asked, oh, it lasts more than one day? I could feel her horror through the chat cave just typing the terse word "yes."

Dad's not religious, but he is cultural. I thought, being stuck in the house three weeks and change now, not even getting to walk the dogs at the animal shelter, he would like a seder. He did! It was a nice seder! I read the prayers from my laptop because fuck no I don't know them except for the wine.

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Who Got Your Wonkbux Today?

Some folks!

Well dear Terrible Ones, we've wrapped up another Monday, which means it's time to let you know how much we've raised for Nasty Vile Snark Mobbers who need a hand. And the numbers! They are le big! They are also almost le out, so if we want to keep going, we've got to keep going.

Your Wonkette Reader Aid Slush Fund, overseen by ME, is here for you to contribute to, if you are "ability." My email for asking for help is rebecca at wonkette dot com, if you are "need." Let's see who's gotten some rent, or food, or electric bill, since apparently our nation hasn't seen fit to freeze evictions or make SNAP less of a clusterfuck to get!

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Fuckin' A It's Not That Hard!

Prancercise In The Time Of Coronavirus


Coronavirus is trying to fuck with my looks, and that is not cool.

I'm not just being vain just being vain, but I have to tell you something. After the election of Donald Trump, with the added stress of that, and with the sedentary nature of this job, and also with my own unhealthy choices, I gained some WEIGHT. Enough that I ended up with high blood pressure and was just generally #fat and #malaise. So I got on BookFace and scored multiple referrals to the celebrity doctor for celebrities here in town, and he's been kicking my ass and helping me fix it ever since. To date, I've hired a personal trainer, lost 40 pounds, gained a shit ton of muscle, and I am wearing clothes I have not worn since I was a young twinky gay boy who needed to eat a sandwich. Also my blood pressure is perfect.

And I've done this in the most boring-ass disappointing way possible: diet and exercise! (And no, there will be no before-and-after nakey pictures, fuck off.)

Anyway, then the gym closed because of the corona and oh my god, I have come too far to let some little pissant pandemic ruin all my hard work, fuck that.

Maybe you are in a similar situation. Maybe you exercised/worked out a lot! Maybe you exercised/worked out sometimes. Maybe you exercised/worked out not at all, but you've been totally thinking it would be a good idea to one day think about getting on YouTube and doing some searches for workout-type things you might want to do someday but not today.

NO JUDGY WUDGY! Wherever you are, I have been in the exact same place. And I am still new enough in my process that I find it literally fucking hilarious that I am the one writing you this article right now.

But I would encourage you to find time during this to move your ass. Because lemme tell you two other things I've struggled with in my life: sleep and depression. Guess what I do not struggle with anymore, for the most part? That stuff. I am pretty sure move your ass is a big part of why I'm doing OK on those fronts.

So, after a few or 96 weeks of quarantine, I lost count, I am going to tell you what I've found to replace what I was doing at the gym before (two sessions a week with the trainer, an extra strength training session on my own, and about three cumulative hours of hard cardio). You could get on the internet and buy a bunch of shit -- my best friend took the opportunity to set up an entire home gym in his spare bedroom -- but I ain't doin' that, at least not yet. All of my recs are for stuff you can do with little to no equipment at all.

I'm trying to do each of the following things about three times a week. My schedule isn't exact yet, but I'm sure after another 167 weeks of corn'tine, I'll have it perfect.

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