Typical Dad Matt Gaetz Shares Life Hacks For Parenting Grown Men During Pandemics

Wonkette Parenting Corner!

You know how it is with Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz's "son" Nestor. You're going about your life, mostly forgetting about Nestor, and most times when you think of Matt Gaetz, you're just wondering what kind of Photoshop accident happened in God's design lab that made his head so much bigger than his body.

It's like hey there, God, stop texting and creating humans at the same time!

But then Gaetz goes on Fox News saying things like MY SON NESTOR WHOM I PROCURED THROUGH COMMONLY ACCEPTED METHODS OF HAVING CHILDREN and it all rushes back. Nestor! We remember Nestor! He is Matt Gaetz's Cuban-born "son," the existence of whom Gaetz kept secret until he was looking to score some politically convenient points against then-Democratic Rep. (now White House senior advisor!) Cedric Richmond, who had mildly suggested that maybe white conservative assholes might not exactly know what it is like to be the parent of a Black child.

Here's that clip from last night, where Gaetz was also bringing Nestor up for political convenience, regarding coronavirus lockdowns in Florida:

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Culture Wars

Remember When Big Wood Went After Dr. Seuss With A 'Lorax' Parody?

Do we really need every dumb species anyway?

The predictable rightwing meltdown over poor Dr. Seuss being cancelled forever (via Dr. Seuss Enterprises' business decision to no longer print six minor titles that are virtually never among the ones that spring to mind when Ted Geisel's pen name is mentioned) called to mind for me a simpler time, when we didn't ban books (Seuss wasn't banned!) that offended us, but instead engaged them in dialogue, which I'm sure will be news to all the kids in the '70s and '80s who couldn't find Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret in the school library.

OK, now diagram that sentence while I get to my point.

Which is that after two decades of Seuss's 1971 environmental fable The Lorax making innocent children hate logging, an ordinary mom named named Terri Birkett had had enough of all that environmentalist brainwashing. So she took advantage of her everyday knowledge as a mom (and as a manager for a hardwood flooring manufacturer) and wrote her own children's book as a reply to Seuss's little blobby creature, who like all eco-terrorists claimed to speak for the trees. Her little 1995 OH YEAH? to Seuss, titled Truax (GET IT? And not The Truax, which sounds far more natural), has become something of a classic in the copious, disturbing annals of "what the fuck were they thinking?" children's books. Why yes, it is still available online through the good graces of the National Wood Flooring Association. Go take a look! It's nuts!

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Class War

Loathsome Trumpists CAN'T BELIEVE They Only Got A Month's Paid Paternity Leave, THANKS OBAMA

Probably isn't Stephen Miller, DON'T CARE.

You guys know me. You know I can't help bleeding my heart all over the place when people are down and out. You're the same way! That's why Wonkette readers sent their Wonkbux to some old Bundyite "constitutional sheriff" fuck who had to gofundme his heart attack after railing against Obamacare for years ... and after we all paid for his medical bills, he kept right on lying his shitmouth off! You know who learned her lesson? No, not that guy, but I SURE DID!

So there I was, feeling bad for the Trump officials who did not get their full paid parental leave, because of how they lost their jobs in the middle of that leave when we shoved Trump out the White House onto his fat tuchus. I was sad for them! We should all have paid parental leave! But then they started talking, and they would not stop.

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It's Your Virtual Joe Biden Inauguration Vendor Cart!

Catch the blue train places never been before.

Hello, good morning, welcome to the first day of the rest of our lives!

The other night, as we were parceling out our Inauguration Day Advent Calendar mini liquor bottles, my son what prints your merches in our basement factory said, regarding the only two days remaining before our long national nightmare would (PRESUMABLY) come to an end, "Already? That was fast!" and my husband almost murdered him right there in the kitchen where he stood.

"'FAST'? 'ALREADY'?" he bellowed, followed by a cartoon string of epithets. He had a really good point! Every single day of the past four years has been a fight to even continue existing, and that's before the shithead that unaccountably somehow got "elected" president of the United States affirmatively killed more than 400,000 Americans and attempted to murder democracy itself.

It has been, dear ones, a trial.

Four years ago, I put "three months" in the office pool for how long it would be before Trump got bored and resigned because people were mean to him. I undershot it by 45 months. You should never ever ever listen to me.

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