Small favors, at least it's not Peter Thiel.
Your Wonkette, despite many threats from bad and crazy people, has never actually been sued. Until today! According to Don Blankenship's lawyers, we have conspired with Mitch McConnell, Fox Judge Andrew Napolitano, and Don Trump Jr., along with possibly hundreds of other news outlets both progressive and reactionary, to defame and libel and false-light-invasion-of-privacy Mr. Blankenship because one time, by accident, after he lost his race for the Republican West Virginia gubernatorial primary, we mistakenly referred to him as a felon, instead of carefully noting (as we had a dozen times previously) that he was convicted and spent a year in jail for misdemeanor conspiracy leading to the deaths of 29 miners in his employ. I pride myself on carefully weighing Wonkette's terrible words and ensuring (with my 28 years in the news profession oh LORD I am forty-six years old) that everything we assert is both factual and fair. This was my fault as editor, nobody else's, no ifs ands or buts.
If I could, though, I'd blame President Obama, just as Blankenship's lawsuit blames him for those miners' deaths.
So while every month we ask you to keep this mommyblog going, because we are brought to you by YOU, and in fact at the end of every post we ask you to keep this mommyblog going, because we still are brought to you by YOU, today would be a really good day for the 390,000 or so of you monthly readers who don't already donate to Wonkette to throw some money in the kitty, and even, if you are able, to make it a recurring monthly donation!
Mama ain't got 40-millionaire-fightin' money! Mama barely has freelancer money! (Don't worry, we're not a common Trump: Our freelancers always get paid.) What's that? YOU want to send us money? You are good, and we love you.
While we of course believe Mr. Blankenship's lawsuit to be meritless -- even frivolous! -- we still have to reply. And SHIT we have to hire a lawyer to do so. There's no telling what a West Virginia judge and jury might do, and in the face of our first ever lawsuit -- and some online news media that no longer exist, along with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas's humble, settled-law notion that it's time to open up the libel laws and abort the greatest constitutional protections afforded to journalists, the First Amendment as recognized under New York Times v. Sullivan -- we are trying not to feel a mite catastrophic.
Today would be a good day to do some yoga breathing. Today would be a bad day to attempt to get off our fattening ass. Hey, maybe you could send us some money?
If worse comes to worst and we lose Wonkette, we will start a new blog and name it something that doesn't confuse people and that we don't have to spell out slowly four times. (No, K-e-TT-e.) We just don't want to lose our house. It's extremely pleasant, near but not on a lake, and we just put in solar. Which has nothing to do with us trying to kill coal: We are America and so is
black lung Don Blankenship.
This post will stay up top until I'm sick of looking at it. Scroll down for new news, as if there is ever even news these days, no everything is very boring and sane, all day every day, that is for sure.
We got our solar in. So our TV won't go out when the wind doesn't blow!!!!!
We don't know how to tell you this, but it's been kind of a non-suck week here at Wonkette HQ, and our feelings don't know what to do with that. We wrote two posts (now threeeee? someone call a doctor! something ain't right!), which I am pretty sure is illegal. We got new stickers in and they made us happy and also money. (Please buy more.) And thanks to, not kidding, the GOP Tax Cut for Rich Fuckwads, we got a brand shiny spanky did I mention shiny and also spanky solar array! The inspector came out yesterday, said, "SHORE, YUP, turn it on!" and then an hour later it started to rain.
REGARDLESS, depending on where you live (sorry Oklahoma), I think if you're able that you should too.
Did I say thanks to the GOP Tax Cut for Rich Fuckwads? I did. Somewhere on one of the hand-scrawled addenda as Paul Ryan was trying desperately to reduce the deficit lol I am #jokes, they put back in an alternative energy tax credit that had sunsetted in 2016. (And yes, it's the only good thing they did.) That's right: The feds will pay you back 30 percent of what you spend on solar, geothermal, or wind this year (then the credit starts dropping till it's only 10 percent in 2022, so do it now if you can!), even though Trump says windmills cause wind cancer, and his uncle was an MIT, so he knows science pretty terrific.
Come over here for a sec!
Around this time in the month, you all usually get a very funny post from your editrix Rebecca, where she tells you stories and DEMANDS MONEY. That is not happening this month, because instead we are writing it!
So listen up. If you are a regular reader, you have heard this before. (And you may have financially supported us before! And you may be a subscriber who supports us every month! To you we say THANK YOU and humbly ask you to keep it up and even chip in a little more if you can!)
But maybe you are somebody who just comes by a few times a week, maybe when you are riding the train, maybe when you are driving in the car (EYES ON THE ROAD, BRAIN DILDO). Maybe you saw this on Twitter and you clicked like "what the hell is that Wonkette even talking about right now?"
What we are talking about is the simple fact that times are tough for journalism and publishing, and every single day we hear about some website that's doing layoffs or a newsroom having to cut out its "news" section because "news" has a well known liberal bias that isn't pleasing to its new corporate conservative owners. But not Wonkette!
Not only does this wonderful place that gives you information, sustenance and dick jokes not have ads that murder your browser and make you angry like a common Donald Trump, it's also unique in that ALL our funding comes straight from readers. ALL OF IT. There's no secret slush fund that covers overages, there's no corporate or even nonprofit grant money. Your donations go straight into our monthly budget, which pays salaries for all the full-timers and healthcare for the full-timers (that would be yours truly, on top of Rebecca and Dok), and also pays all the freelance writers you love (by process of elimination, that is the other people not contained in that first category). Oh yeah, and it pays for the "Infrastructure Week" part of Wonkette, which is servers and technical stuff like that. So when we say "we love you, you pay our rent," we mean it literally!
And when we write you one gabillion stories per week and liveblog ourselves covering hearings and reading court transcripts and the whole Mueller Report and say "please send donations, we are dying here," we also mean that literally.
Oh GOD, who put another adorable dog picture right there?
Well, since SOMEBODY brought up dogs, did you hear our idiot Lula sent us to the emergency vet AGAIN, this time on our BIRTHDAY? "Ha ha! I bet you have plans with people who are not the dog tonight! I will show you!" That is what we are pretty sure she was thinking.
Anyway, it was just some kind of fucked up tummy thing this time, but while we were there, the X-rays showed that she, the 14-year-old dog, has developed spondylosis, which is basically like bone spurs on the spine. (That's right, Donald Trump, BONE SPURS. And she ain't even fakin' it!) It's pretty normal for old lady dogs her size, but it can be painful, so obviously we had to start looking at pain management. Long story short, the first prescription involved TEN PILLS PER DAY. (Not ten different kinds, just two prescriptions that came out to ten pills per day, blah blah blah.) Obviously we wanted to do whatever we needed to do for her and make sure she's out of pain, but that seems a bit excessive, yeah? At least enough to get a second opinion?
SO OFF TO THE VET WE WENT AGAIN. And it wasn't some vet we found on the side of the road either, but another vet we had a great relationship with in the past and who takes care of a lot of our friends' and family's pets. Point being, after a full exam, THAT VET wasn't even sure Lula needed any pain management at this point. That's quite a second opinion, right? So ultimately we ended up meeting in the middle, keeping one pain pill prescription that actually seemed to be helping, and now she also gets CBD oil twice a day in peanut better chewies that she thinks are THE SHIT.
End result is that she seems like she's easily a couple few years younger now than she did before she started the new regimen, most likely because of the CBD oil, and also because her damn back doesn't hurt.
What we're saying is that when we say "We love you, you pay our rent," what we really mean is "We love you, you buy our dog cannabis drugs."
And we appreciate that very, very much.
Click the fancy buttons below to up your donations, change your donations, or even donate or subscribe for the first time! (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.) And when you're done with that, go check out our new merch and sit around a spell and read all the wonderful things we and the rest of the Wonkettes write for you today and tomorrow and the next day and the next day, etc.
Thank you, we love, you, DOG DRUGS FUCK YEAH!
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Shall We Watch Elizabeth Warren's Barnburning National Action Network Speech? Duh Of Course We Shall!
Settle in for a spell!
Elizabeth Warren gave a heck of a speech today at Al Sharpton's National Action Network conference (we hear Kamala Harris did, too!), outlining the case for her universal childcare proposal and also making the case for ending the filibuster in the Senate if Republicans get in the way of a Democratic president and Congress.
Elizabeth Warren's Powerful Speech On Childcare At The National Action Network www.youtube.com
Warren started with a familiar version of her life story, noting that she grew up in Oklahoma, "on the ragged edges of the middle class," and dreamed of becoming a teacher. She mentions that she would sometimes line up her dolls and teach them. "I was tough but fair." Her dream became a reality after finding a commuter college, but after a few years of teaching and starting a family, she decided to go to law school, and with a toddler not quite out of diapers, the issue of childcare suddenly became very real to her. The one place she and her husband could afford, with a week to go before classes started, required kids to be "reliably potty trained," or no thank you. After a pause, she told the audience, "I stand before you today courtesy of three bags of M&Ms and a cooperative toddler."
Yr Wonkette is ALWAYS here for a good constipated babby story!
Pearls on swine.
Moms Demand Action is a grassroots organization that advocates for sensible solutions to gun violence (i.e. not more guns). Concerned citizens came out to the New Hampshire State House today to show their support for House Bill 687. The "red flag" legislation would help keep guns out of the hands of people who are an immediate threat to themselves and others. Gun rights advocates hate HB687, probably because it would keep guns out of the hands of dangerous people, whose money is as good as anyone else's.
Women shared heart-rending stories about the personal impact of gun violence on their lives. Meanwhile, some of the male pro-gun lawmakers thought it would be cool to wear strings of cheap pearls to mock the Moms Demand Action volunteers. Happy Women's History Month! We guess Turning Points USA bogarted the diapers.
It's a surprise impromptu Denver Drinky Thing! Come see us! TODAY!
Yesterday, our connecting flight in Denver from Cancun, it was bad. How bad was it, Rebecca? Well, half an hour into it, the pilot informed us he wasn't climbing to altitude because the cabin wouldn't pressurize, and the backup cabin pressurization system had failed too. That's when I looked down at my three-year-old daughter and saw she was fassssst asleep despite yammering like a common three-year-old daughter until about a minute before.
You can't take the Catholic Jew out of the Catholic Jewish girl!
I have been putting off this month's money beg to the end of the month, because I could not bear asking you for money to fund your Wonkette while I am LIVING IT UP (working) from Mexico. Also, I am taking today off because it is my 46th birthday, just as soon as I finish this wee bit of work. I feel guilty.
Haven't you already been in Mexico for two weeks now, you are wondering, if you knew I had been in Mexico already for two weeks now. Yes, and we are staying for almost another week, coming home the day after the SEVENTH anniversary of when I bought your Wonkette with a thimble, a paper clip, and this burnt piece of cork! But I am working, really, just from a lovely patio in constant 80 degrees instead of a blizzard, while Shy and Donna Rose go on aventuras, and it is wonderful, and I feel bad.
Did I hire a translator and interview people about Mexico and America and Trump and the babies in jail? Did I hie me out to find a caravan? No, just like I didn't do jackshit the time we went out to cover the New Hampshire primary and all I did was sit and watch the Morning Joe broadcast from a hotel, but to be fair the baby was six months old and outside it was no degrees. I felt terrible then too. Also, the caravans are very far from Tulum.
Hey, what if we REALLY acted like children are the future?
We actually have a genuine Nice Time for you today -- none of that mixed-blessing stuff like a story of a good person who got horribly discriminated against but then had the last laugh. Nope, this is just a terrific idea about reshaping a part of the economy to fit human needs and make everyone's life better, except of course for the lives of greedheads, but they're all miserable anyway because of all the Greed.
The nonprofit People's Policy Project has a nifty proposal for a national family policy that would put economic equality behind the notion of "family values" and address the decidedly non-family-friendly realities of capitalism. They call the thing the "Family Fun Pack," and you better bet they're deliberately playing off the silly advertise-y tone of that slogan. Heck, why use that name for discount tickets to a water park when we could make actual families' lives better?
Kids tell goofy kid jokes, cool science, journalism saves the day, and more
Time again for our weekly break from the daily grind of awful, which will of course still be with us later. This week's featured critter is Princess Leia, a rescue pupper belonging to Wonkette Operative "Shastakoala." This is what happens when you let your ten-year-old name the adult dog of decidedly non-Alderaan origins you brought home. (She's clearly an Ewok anyway) But hey, the boy was crazy about Star Wars at the time, you love the boy, so Princess Leia it is.
Careful Donnie -- the children are listening.
In the wake of Donald Trump "winning" the 2016 election, there were all sorts of fun reports of increased hate crimes, plus any number of anecdotal reports from teachers about little kids either being terrified of the Orange Man or being taken from their parents. Not to mention reports of rotten white kids chanting "Donald Trump! Build that wall!" at brown kids during sportsball competitions. But none of that proves anything, because of course the Liberal Media's going to fixate on isolated incidents and ignore all the times Nancy Pelosi personally castrated Republicans like just this month.
To attempt to get some hard data on whether Trump's election has actually affected The Kids, a recent peer-reviewed study found that, in Virginia at least, areas that voted for Trump in 2016 saw an increase in school bullying while areas that voted for Hillary Clinton saw school bullying actually go down. Who woulda guessed?
Why yes, it IS that time of month!
Gentle flowers of love, our darlings, the ones who make us whole, who let us hire writers at a living wage, who keep us going through the Trumpenstorm, who complete us: Move on down to the comments for open thread, your work today is done! The rest of you, the ones who have been meaning to get your credit card or your paypal password for lo these SEVEN or FOURTEEN YEARS NOW, YOU:
Hi! I'm Rebecca. Have we met yet? We HAVE? Because you've been coming twice a week or four times a day for us to guide you through our fascist horror, together? Sweet! Barring you really ain't got none, we would like your money.
But you always need money, you are hissing through your beardo crumbs. Well, yes! That is how food and rent/mortgages and paychecks and servers work. As the lucky-ducky federal workers have discovered, you have to pay for them on an ongoing basis. And you know who likes food and mortgages and paychecks and servers? It is your Wonkette!
Robot boy wishes he could feel a parent's love.
Rightwing troll Jesse Kelly, who like all rightwing trolls has a radio talk show (his is in Houston), did him some heavy-duty trolling Sunday, pretending to be super bored and annoyed that his 10-year-old kid was at a robotics tournament, because how lame is that and don't most dads want their kids to play football, oh my christ I may have a NERD on my hands.
Kelly had a fun time pretending the whole thing was a waste of time, and more to the point, of valuable testosterone. How could anyone care about this dumb technofoolishness in which no one was even smashing anything?
OK, at least kinda socialish and a little paradise-ish.
Newly sworn-in California Gov. Gavin Newsom cemented his credentials as a great big handsome policy nerd Thursday with a budget speech that lasted nearly two damn hours, laid out solid progressive budget goals, and yet also managed to win some praise from Republicans for taking a cautious approach to ramping up state funding of early childhood education and improving healthcare and housing. Let's have some Golden State budgetary nicetimes!
Wonkette is bleeding out over here.
Funny thing happened this week: The lawyer we hired to negotiate the $5,000 bill for three photo copyright violations (including one of Herman Cain that goes back to the last Wonkette era) got the bill down to $2,000, then charged us $2,000! Maybe more. He hasn't added up his surely dozen hours in December yet. You know those hilarious statistics about "could you withstand a $500 emergency" and half the country just lies down on the floor and DIES with laughter, and also starvation? Well, Wonkette doesn't have a spare $4,000 in a month. In fact, Wonkette is in the hole about $20,000 for the year, and honestly, I'm fucking pissed. And I'm not sure Dok and Evan and Five Dollar Feminist, who have been bearing the brunt of me, like it too much either!
Nobody (with a vag) is asking for $60 million in VC funding to blow through, or even $6 million. That's for Mic and The Outline and other news sites from men. (Then they lay off their entire editorial staffs because who can even run a news site on that???) But it would be really fucking nice if our just under 400,000 readers a month -- a good-sized city! a very small-sized state! -- were able to support an independent, ad-free news site with a full-time staff of THREE FUCKING PROFESSIONALS, plus three part-time, plus good freelance, while I'm working 55 hours a week LOOKING AT TRUMP'S FACE. In November, .8 percent of our readers donated to keep us going -- that's point-eight, not eight -- and god knows I love them and they are the greatest, but they shouldn't have to do it all.
YOU love Wonkette. You love that it is AD-FREE and DOESN'T BREAK YOUR BROWSER. You love that Dok does actual important policy, and Five Dollar Feminist splains law at you, and Robyn and Stephen and Bianca and Dom keep you up to date on all the terrible things without making you cry hardly ever, and Evan is here to insult Junior's face.
If you've been meaning to throw us some cash but just haven't gotten around to it, for fuck's sake, GO GET YOUR FUCKING CREDIT CARD because I AM FUCKING DYING HERE. Better yet, sign up to keep giving it, every month. Even if it's fucking $2. Imagine if two percent of you started sending us money! Imagine if it was FUCKING FIVE! Imagine if you were sending us a HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH to put up one podcast a week calling Democrats moneygrubbing capitalists! Just kidding, I don't want that and those guys suck.
Also, I am pretty sure I'm soon going to be on the rag. ALSO also, I'm having butt surgery next week, but you guys DO pay 100 percent of our medical, so yay, thank you, I love you, you're good. (See, I spend your money on 100 percent medical for the staff because of what a neoliberal I am. I SURE FUCKING WISH I COULD HIRE ALL OF THEM, DON'T YOU.)
Happy fucking Christmas, everything is terrible and I want to cry. But at least Mueller should be up soon, and Evan's gonna tap-dance (with votes!) all over Trump's noggin, and I am going to have this drink, which isn't going to drink itself, something something Trump Junior's face.
It's been so simple this whole time!
Senator Ben Sasse, the smarmy junior Republican senator from Nebraska who gets Very Concerned about Donald Trump then bravely votes for everything Trump wants, took to the Twitter and offered some simple wisdom from a wise family doctor, just good parenting advice from an expert. It's neat, plausible, and bullshit, to paraphrase Mencken. But just look at this fine quote, ready to put on your next needlepoint throw pillow:
Awww. If you love your children, you'll limit the amount of time they spend glued to the TV or social media and all that, and you'll be a GOOD PARENT!
Of course, that "Two Americas" cliché seemed a little too pat for Friend of Wonkette Charlie Pierce, who suggested a lot of families might have somewhat more pressing concerns:
Stop in the name of the law! And buy these Kamala 2020 T-shirts we made you ourselves!
What's up fuckers? Were you waiting for me to come back from Mexico and write words at ya? Well, you know I don't write words at ya anymore, because of how I hate you, each, individually, but more importantly Trump has knocked all the words right out of my silly little lady brain.
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