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Science

Study: Trump Country Full Of School-Bullying Jerk Dicks!

Careful Donnie -- the children are listening.

In the wake of Donald Trump "winning" the 2016 election, there were all sorts of fun reports of increased hate crimes, plus any number of anecdotal reports from teachers about little kids either being terrified of the Orange Man or being taken from their parents. Not to mention reports of rotten white kids chanting "Donald Trump! Build that wall!" at brown kids during sportsball competitions. But none of that proves anything, because of course the Liberal Media's going to fixate on isolated incidents and ignore all the times Nancy Pelosi personally castrated Republicans like just this month.

To attempt to get some hard data on whether Trump's election has actually affected The Kids, a recent peer-reviewed study found that, in Virginia at least, areas that voted for Trump in 2016 saw an increase in school bullying while areas that voted for Hillary Clinton saw school bullying actually go down. Who woulda guessed?

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Fuckin' A It's Not That Hard!

Come, Lean In, We Want To Whisper You A Secret, It Is $$$!!1!

Why yes, it IS that time of month!

Gentle flowers of love, our darlings, the ones who make us whole, who let us hire writers at a living wage, who keep us going through the Trumpenstorm, who complete us: Move on down to the comments for open thread, your work today is done! The rest of you, the ones who have been meaning to get your credit card or your paypal password for lo these SEVEN or FOURTEEN YEARS NOW, YOU:

Hi! I'm Rebecca. Have we met yet? We HAVE? Because you've been coming twice a week or four times a day for us to guide you through our fascist horror, together? Sweet! Barring you really ain't got none, we would like your money.

But you always need money, you are hissing through your beardo crumbs. Well, yes! That is how food and rent/mortgages and paychecks and servers work. As the lucky-ducky federal workers have discovered, you have to pay for them on an ongoing basis. And you know who likes food and mortgages and paychecks and servers? It is your Wonkette!

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Mommyblogging

Jesse Kelly Tweets 'My Nerd Kid Sux, Amirite?' Is Best Dad Because Libs Now Owned.

Robot boy wishes he could feel a parent's love.

Rightwing troll Jesse Kelly, who like all rightwing trolls has a radio talk show (his is in Houston), did him some heavy-duty trolling Sunday, pretending to be super bored and annoyed that his 10-year-old kid was at a robotics tournament, because how lame is that and don't most dads want their kids to play football, oh my christ I may have a NERD on my hands.

Kelly had a fun time pretending the whole thing was a waste of time, and more to the point, of valuable testosterone. How could anyone care about this dumb technofoolishness in which no one was even smashing anything?

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State/Local Politics

Gavin Newsom Proclaims California Socialist Paradise!

OK, at least kinda socialish and a little paradise-ish.

Newly sworn-in California Gov. Gavin Newsom cemented his credentials as a great big handsome policy nerd Thursday with a budget speech that lasted nearly two damn hours, laid out solid progressive budget goals, and yet also managed to win some praise from Republicans for taking a cautious approach to ramping up state funding of early childhood education and improving healthcare and housing. Let's have some Golden State budgetary nicetimes!

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Culture

HEY YOU GUYSSSSS

Wonkette is bleeding out over here.

Funny thing happened this week: The lawyer we hired to negotiate the $5,000 bill for three photo copyright violations (including one of Herman Cain that goes back to the last Wonkette era) got the bill down to $2,000, then charged us $2,000! Maybe more. He hasn't added up his surely dozen hours in December yet. You know those hilarious statistics about "could you withstand a $500 emergency" and half the country just lies down on the floor and DIES with laughter, and also starvation? Well, Wonkette doesn't have a spare $4,000 in a month. In fact, Wonkette is in the hole about $20,000 for the year, and honestly, I'm fucking pissed. And I'm not sure Dok and Evan and Five Dollar Feminist, who have been bearing the brunt of me, like it too much either!

Nobody (with a vag) is asking for $60 million in VC funding to blow through, or even $6 million. That's for Mic and The Outline and other news sites from men. (Then they lay off their entire editorial staffs because who can even run a news site on that???) But it would be really fucking nice if our just under 400,000 readers a month -- a good-sized city! a very small-sized state! -- were able to support an independent, ad-free news site with a full-time staff of THREE FUCKING PROFESSIONALS, plus three part-time, plus good freelance, while I'm working 55 hours a week LOOKING AT TRUMP'S FACE. In November, .8 percent of our readers donated to keep us going -- that's point-eight, not eight -- and god knows I love them and they are the greatest, but they shouldn't have to do it all.

YOU love Wonkette. You love that it is AD-FREE and DOESN'T BREAK YOUR BROWSER. You love that Dok does actual important policy, and Five Dollar Feminist splains law at you, and Robyn and Stephen and Bianca and Dom keep you up to date on all the terrible things without making you cry hardly ever, and Evan is here to insult Junior's face.

If you've been meaning to throw us some cash but just haven't gotten around to it, for fuck's sake, GO GET YOUR FUCKING CREDIT CARD because I AM FUCKING DYING HERE. Better yet, sign up to keep giving it, every month. Even if it's fucking $2. Imagine if two percent of you started sending us money! Imagine if it was FUCKING FIVE! Imagine if you were sending us a HUNDRED AND EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS A MONTH to put up one podcast a week calling Democrats moneygrubbing capitalists! Just kidding, I don't want that and those guys suck.

Also, I am pretty sure I'm soon going to be on the rag. ALSO also, I'm having butt surgery next week, but you guys DO pay 100 percent of our medical, so yay, thank you, I love you, you're good. (See, I spend your money on 100 percent medical for the staff because of what a neoliberal I am. I SURE FUCKING WISH I COULD HIRE ALL OF THEM, DON'T YOU.)

Happy fucking Christmas, everything is terrible and I want to cry. But at least Mueller should be up soon, and Evan's gonna tap-dance (with votes!) all over Trump's noggin, and I am going to have this drink, which isn't going to drink itself, something something Trump Junior's face.

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Culture

Ben Sasse Knows Why There Are 'Two Americas': YOU'RE A BAD PARENT

It's been so simple this whole time!

Senator Ben Sasse, the smarmy junior Republican senator from Nebraska who gets Very Concerned about Donald Trump then bravely votes for everything Trump wants, took to the Twitter and offered some simple wisdom from a wise family doctor, just good parenting advice from an expert. It's neat, plausible, and bullshit, to paraphrase Mencken. But just look at this fine quote, ready to put on your next needlepoint throw pillow:

Awww. If you love your children, you'll limit the amount of time they spend glued to the TV or social media and all that, and you'll be a GOOD PARENT!

Of course, that "Two Americas" cliché seemed a little too pat for Friend of Wonkette Charlie Pierce, who suggested a lot of families might have somewhat more pressing concerns:

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Post-Racial America

Wonkette Is Now A Kamala Harris 2020 Fanblog

Stop in the name of the law! And buy these Kamala 2020 T-shirts we made you ourselves!

What's up fuckers? Were you waiting for me to come back from Mexico and write words at ya? Well, you know I don't write words at ya anymore, because of how I hate you, each, individually, but more importantly Trump has knocked all the words right out of my silly little lady brain.

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News

Wonkette Is Fake News Like Louise Mensch, According To World's Best Fucking Chart

Christ, is it already time for another Wonkette Manifesto?

Have you seen that chart posted above? The very good one? The one that gets posted on your Nana's Facebook all the time, that shows exactly how biased and factual websites are? Of course you've seen that chart! It is a fairly decent chart, with only 174 or so errors! If not, LOOKIT.

Well, bad news, Wonkette has recently been added to it and ... um ... we don't think they actually read Wonkette for long enough to understand what is going on here at this dick joke warblog/mommyblog about recipes and sex that talks about politics sometimes. Do you see where they put us? In that bullshit place to the left of The Intercept and just north of Louise Mensch when it comes to #ScienceFacts? The fuck, bro?

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Post-Racial America

Whole Bunch Of Fuckheads Crying About Mean Liberals Being 'Uncivil' To Bloodthirsty Monsters

Oh shit, Maxine Waters murdered someone again!

This weekend, Sarah Huckabee Sanders was politely asked to leave a restaurant in Virginia. Before that, Department of Homeland Security chief Kirstjen Nielsen -- fresh off of denying then excusing putting Mexican children in cages -- was shamed out of a Mexican restaurant. And Pam Bondi, the Florida AG, got her ass booed out of a screening of the Mr. Rogers documentary by a good citizen. Watch it, it was great!

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Mommyblogging

America Is The Wire Mother

Permanently damaging children to own the libs

You all remember the wire mother and cloth mother experiments on attachment from first-year psychology, right? In the 1950s, University of Wisconsin researcher Harry Harlow removed rhesus monkeys from their mothers shortly after birth, and, in various tests, placed them with surrogate "mothers" -- in the most famous comparison, one mother was made of wire mesh, and had a rubber nipple to dispense milk, but the other mother, which had no milk, was made with soft terrycloth and looked at least a little like a mommy monkey. Every single time, the baby monkeys would cling to the soft cloth mothers, going to the wire mother only when absolutely necessary to be fed. (There's a famous photo of one monkey clinging to its cloth mother and leaning waaaay over to nurse from the wire mother. Harlow later placed a wall between the two to prevent that.)

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Trump

Remember Elian Gonzalez?

The dads. The dads were PISSED.

It was 18 years ago. The little boy, whose mother had died on the raft trip from Cuba. His Miami relatives wanted him to keep him, for freedom. His father, in Cuba, wanted him FUCKING BACK.

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Mommyblogging

A Mommyblog, A Dating Site, And A FUCKING COMMUNITY

We got you, darlings. We got your backs.

My terrible ones, it has been a week. What, it is Wednesday, you say? You can fuck right off out of here with your "calendars" and "linear time."

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economics

Our Nigerian Scammer

Bigtits McFakebook strikes again!

It could have happened to anybody. A lot of Dr. Phil clips will show you young (well, middle-aged) people just absolutely convinced that the person they were sending money to for "their construction business" was going to pay them back that $250,000, and also was going to fly out and marry them, just as soon as they got their passport sitch fixed. Dr. Phil tries not to call them fucking idiots, but you can only not call them fucking idiots for so long.

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Mommyblogging

Y'all Getting Rowdy In Here?

Care for a drink?

Looks like time to hit the liquor store

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Mommyblogging

Raise Less Corn, More Hell! Your BEST Mother's Day Tradition!

Here is your fifth or twentieth annual listicle of Mi Mamacita Communista, or Things My Mother Taught Me

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Post-Racial America

Have You Met Our New Writers, A Nice Lady And Wonderbitch?

We can do so many activities!

You may have noticed that ol' Wonkette dot com tends to be a pretty white sort of place. We have a gay, and a senior, and a bunch of vagendas, but it's been really some time since we had any writers of color. And when you write quite a bit about police brutality, the justice system, and Jeff Sessions, that severe lack becomes severely embarrassing.

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