Senator Obama had a problem -- his wife hated it when he [blanked]! - WonketteLet's continue, shall we?

* Wait a minute, Mike Gravel just said he already was the President of the United States. Can we just end the debate now?

* The camera angle on Hillary is designed to show how much Dennis Kucinich is giggling at her.

* John Edwards is Huckleberry Hound ("I was sooo gay...")

* Obama: Abortions for all! He's slowed down a lot, he needs a cigarette.

* Dennis Kucinich intends to be a President who's a "healer." His pupils are huuuuge, btw. Totally unrelated.

* Wait now he's threatening to OPEN UP OUR HEARTS.

* Wait, Chris who? Has he been here the whole time?

* Wait they're on the "lightning round" now...? Down the line in order, say a name or pass -- it is the match game!

* Oh, they're just naming their favoritist Supreme Court justice. Two Ginsburgs and one Ginsburg/Breyer.

* Governor Richardson, you are the NRA's favorite candidate. Why did you kill all of those kids in Virginia?

* Bill Richardson: "There should be mental health parody in this country." That's what we're pretty sure he said, anyway, and we're also pretty sure he was talking about this debate.

* Oh my god a "show of hands" question. Is this debate actually organized by a third-grade class.

* Oh my god John "Lonesome Rhodes" Edwards just said "high-falutin'." It took him like 45 seconds to pronounce "haaagh."

* Senator Obama thinks the confederate flag should be "put in a museum."

* Mike Gravel tries a little humor, comes off about as well as Rich Little.

* Senator Clinton: "I don't have enough time to tell you all the mistakes I've made..." She looks briefly wistful, the strings come up a bit on the soundtrack, and the screen goes hazy as we flash back to Wellesley in the '60s.

* The biggest mistake Bill Richardson ever made is wanting change too damn much! He read up on his copy of "10 Tips to Ace That Interview" before the debate!

* Dennis Kucinich is very well-connected to middle class communities because he bought his house cheap 30 years ago... much like the parents of the current generation of working people.

* Hahaha NBC stations in South Carolina just turned off the debate to play My Name is Earl. DO THE CHARACTERS ON 'EARL' HAVE ACCESS TO AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE? ARE THEY LIVING IN THE 'OTHER AMERICA'?

* Mike Gravel: "Who are we afraid of? Who are you... I'm not!" He is the man without fear. He will wrestle an Alaskan polar bear, disarm Iran, and solve the health care crisis with nothing but his bare hands.

* What would Bill Richardson want from Russia? Number one: Careful with those nukes. Two: Be nice to Chechnya. Three: Delicious, delicious blini.

* Wait did he just say "number three" again? Is this a different list?

* SECOND SHOW OF HANDS QUESTION: DO YOU BELIEVE THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A "GLOBAL WAR ON TERROR"? Kucinich is pretty sure it's actually a tri-state war on spookiness.

* Senator Obama is 9/11 was happening again right now would you magically save everyone's life and then go kill all the terrorists in the world? Obama: Uh... Hurricane Katrina? No, wait, I mean yes.

* Senator Edwards, same question: "First I would also kill all the terrorists too, then I would serve you some lemonade, then I reckon we'd sit on the porch a-while."

* KUCINICH HAS A GUN! EVERYONE DOWN! No, wait, wait... it's a "pocket Constitution." They had it specially constructed for Dennis, who is only 16 inches tall!

* Joe Biden wants a "Manhattan Project" to solve the fuel crisis. That's right, in order to save the environment he's going to NUKE US ALL.

* Mike Gravel is seriously our favorite candidate now. A question about... the environment? Leads to "Osama bin Laden must be ROLLING IN HIS BLANKETS!" What... what does that mean?

* Obama bin Barack, meanwhile, will change your lightbulbs. Oh, then he'll kill all the terrorists. No, seriously, he will kill the fuck out of those terrorists.

* Kucinich suggests "we move away from global warming and global warring." We see what he did there! Sooo cute! He's welcome to stand on his hot wife's shoulders and come change the lightbulbs in our bathroom any time!

* Hahahahahahaha John Edwards has no moral leader. Besides LIBERACE (WINK WINK WINK).

* The end: Obama goes straight for Kucinich! Hillary kisses Biden! No one will kiss Richardson! Biden... wandering towards the audience grinning? Wait, now Edwards is kind of standing around awkwardly? There's Obama's wife! YES! YES! THE HOT MRS. KUCINICH IS THERE! Oh, shit, Dodd brings out the kids! It's chaos on stage! Who gives a shit about Olbermann and Matthews, it's a fucking rugby scrum out there!


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