My Gun-y Valentine, Sweet Semiautomatic Valentine
You know what says love? A gun says love. Just ask anyone who's in love with guns, like maybeKathy Kieffer at TownHall:
Forget roses. This Valentine’s Day, give her a gift that shows you love her whole body and soul. Give her a gun.
Your Valentine—whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, daughter or sister—deserves something very special. What could be more sentimental than a tool she can use to defend herself? When you give her a gun, you will be showing her that she is extremely precious and valuable to you.
Man, we are ever glad we hadn't already gone out and gotten our Significant Other those Rainbow Dash earrings we were looking at.
But Kieffer recognizes that not all ladies are automatically going to recognize just how sweet a gun gift is, so she has some advice for weapon gifts you might give "the girl on the fence":
If your sweetheart is a [sic] not so sure she likes guns, a pink AR-15 might be pushing it for a Valentine’s Day gift. You don’t want to scare her away from the idea of owning a firearm. So, ease her into the idea of owning a special tool for self-defense.
And no, that paragraph doesn't at all sound like the advice you might find elsewhere on other topics -- it would not read just the same if you substitute "anal sex" for "guns" and "vibrating butt plug" for "AR-15."
Anyway, if your sweetheart is hesitant, tease her in the right direction by starting with a
fingertip "a fabulous pepper spray," and perhaps a
gold-plated chain with a small charm in the shape of a handgun. She’ll feel edgy and tough… and by the time her birthday rolls around, she’ll be asking you for the real deal so she can truly protect herself from an assault. And, just for fun, give her chocolates in the shape of ammo with a note that says: “Bite the Bullet! XOX!” (Be willing to bite the bullet yourself after this horrible pun.)
Oh, we get it! It is a pune, or play on words! Also, if you give your special lady a little gold chain with a gun effigy on it and she wonders if you have some weird obsession with firearms, the sound of her driving away will be an important learning experience as well.
If you've got your sights (or surveyor's marks) set on a gal who already worships the Second Amendment in theory but has not yet "taken the plunge," then you might consider an intermediate step:
Unless she already owns a gun and is extremely comfortable using firearms safely, give her a gift certificate to a gun safety and firearm self-defense course before you give her a gun
This is actually reasonable advice, assuming of course that you think guns are romantic in the first place.
And then there's this impeccable analogy, for the intermediate lady gun fondler who has squeezed off a few rounds, but hasn't yet "filled her holster," if you know what we mean (we mean "bought a gun," because nothing's sexier than guns):
Since you’ll want to make sure that her gun fits well in her hand, you’ll need to ruin the surprise and take her to the gun store with you. Buying a gun is kind of like buying an engagement ring—it’s helpful to have the girl along with you because, unfortunately, her hands are not removable.
Unfortunate to be sure.
And then there's the gun goddess, who "knows more about guns and ammo than you do (though you’ll never admit it)." For this special gal, who you can be certain shares your belief there's nothing sexier than the smell of cordite in the morning, you can rest assured that
A thigh holster is much sexier than a delicate, lacy negligee when you explain that you’re giving her this is a gift because you want to protect your most valuable asset -- her.
Yes, nothing says "I Love You" like telling your special someone that you both share a fear of imminent violence from strangers who lurk everywhere and must be dispatched using deadly force. And what woman doesn't thrill to be told that she's your favorite possession? (Hahaha, we are joking, because no gun-fondler would date a damn feminist anyway.)
Happy Valentine's Day from Wonkette, and we wish you a long and happy time preparing to fight the New World Order and the Urban Home Invasion Gangs.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. Don't tell her about the earrings, OK?
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.