Nancy Pelosi's Magic Hammer Gives Obama Full Dictatorship of Earth!

Nancy Pelosi's Magic Hammer Gives Obama Full Dictatorship of Earth!

Somehow, holding only the White House plus big majorities in the House and Senate after an epic 2008 victory in which Communism ("overwhelming majority of American voters") defeated America, the Fascists have "passed their health care reform legislation" using "Chicago mob rules" known as "popularly elected legislators passing laws." NOBAMA, EVER. And now Nancy Pelosi and her Klingon devil leader, Barack Hitler Obama, will speak to a grateful nation! Let's go get our anal exams, together.

  • 11:52 PM -- First, your editor wishes to express gratitude to the gentleman from the District of Columbia, Jim Newell, for posting things so your editor could go eat catfish and BBQ and see Victoria Williams and Solid Ray Woods and the rest of the Pappy's All-Stars, because that's how you do Sunday dinner.
  • 11:54 PM -- Hey it's Iwo Jima's 65th birthday. Love her instant pancakes.
  • 11:54 PM -- The red carpet is in a room, with a podium. Kenya?
  • 11:55 PM -- Man you know Barry and Nancy are doing rails off Joe Biden's ass right now, in celebration.
  • 11:55 PM -- Here he comes goddammit it's him the guy who did it high five!
  • 11:56 PM -- "America's workers and America's families and ... " uhh, you got health care, ballin'.
  • 11:56 PM -- Joe Biden is there, pants back on. Barack thanks him for his "fantastic ass, a real buffet of blow."
  • 11:56 PM -- Obama also thanks the staffers, which means they have civil rights again, after Boehner tried to send all congressional staffers to Gitmo.
  • 11:57 PM -- Whoa shit, Barry just thanked ME for writing a couple of form emails to my wingnut congressmen.
  • 11:57 PM -- But, hey, look at that, now we will not have to LET OUR KIDS DIE when whatever horrid disease they get isn't "covered."
  • 11:58 PM -- Common Sense! "A victory for common sense." But isn't that a Glenn Beck book.
  • 11:58 PM -- Consumer protection, for Health Insurance? Why, Mister Hussein, that is in and of itself SATANIC/atheist.
  • 11:58 PM -- Medicare is stronger, more solid, and we will kill off the fuckin' old people in the next decade, ensuring in the decade after that we will have no Olds at all. Just like Logan's Run.
  • 11:59 PM -- Huzzah for the Senate getting a chance to vote for a Health Care Reform bill without such Senate foolishness as the "Louisiana Drawstring," the "Connecticut Cornhole" and the feared/beloved "Indiana Anal."
  • 11:59 PM -- "When faced with crisis, we did not ..." eh, another long quote. WE ARE TRYING TO TYPE LIVE HERE, BARRY.
  • 11:59 PM -- And that's it, hooray for Barry, and hooray for America, may God damn us all to Hell.
  • 12:00 AM -- Let's go to Fox, shall we?
  • 12:00 AM -- "Are we way too gloomy, maybe we have turned a corner in an untenable system?" This is the Fox News anchor guy. Oh it's Geraldo, a common Jewish Mexican. He was ALWAYS in the tank for the Minority President we bet! (Geraldo's still on Fox News?)
  • 12:00 AM -- Interesting new Fox News' take: Hey, we actually do need this, the only question was how would we pay for it all, but of course we want it to work. Really? So it was all ... kabuki theater?
  • 12:01 AM -- Now Geraldo's explaining to Fox News viewers that all the stuff in the Health Care Reform will, uhm, help them all. No more people getting rejected for health insurance for having a health problem (pre-existing conditions), no more big rate hikes, kids can stay on parents' policies for longer, small businesses will be protected and assisted in the health-care for employees thing, and everyone has to have health insurance if you're an adult who is working.
  • 12:02 AM -- So, uh, Fox News, you actually love the Health Care Reform? Fantastic.
  • 12:03 AM -- Nancy Pelosi, Live! Her watch is set to California time. Hey, so is our watch!
  • 12:04 AM -- And whoa she is tired, she just said it was an education bill.
  • 12:05 AM -- Now she's back, the speed is coursing through her veins. The speed of victory.
  • 12:06 AM -- Fiscally sound, healthy, the Founders are happy, you just can't find anything bad to say about this, can you Nancy Pelosi?
  • 12:06 AM -- A salute to Harry Reid. Is he in charge of the FEMA Domestic Army yet?
  • 12:07 AM -- "No money exchanged" for votes, yeah right, what about the "Delaware Douche Insertion?"
  • 12:08 AM -- It's Steny! We may need to pull out the picture of Steny with that crippled bird. The bird gets health care now, bitches!
  • So much sexytime.

  • This is the stuff Rush Limbaugh will be playing clips of tomorrow. This tired Democratic leadership glad-handing, televised. Luckily, James Clyburn is now speaking, to bring some Seriousness to the issue.
  • They all "locked arms, earlier this afternoon." Gross?
  • Ha ha, the Dems who voted for the Health Care Reform are the ones with human eyes and souls. The traitors will be fed to rats.
  • Okay, bored now.
  • CNN again, Wolf will play a "disturbing moment" when somebody yells "BABY KILLER" at Bart Stupak. HAHAHAHAH, this was great, this must be in Newell's liveblog. It was an actual Republican member of Congress, and CNN has been asking them all, and of course all the Republicans say they've got No Idea who, sitting among them, yelled this so loud that the House floor microphones. Jesus christ.
  • So, obviously, it was Joe Wilson.
  • Sleazy car-stereo salesman Darrell Issa -- an asshole even by San Diego County standards -- is going to speak on CNN, so we are going to change the channel. Cry, you fucking sleaze.
  • Thank you, everybody in the Wonkette World Army, for spending some of your Sunday night with us. It was kind of fun, no? Yes! Thanks for your comments, your eyeballs, your tips and especially for wiping off the keyboard when you're done. Now let's go out and get America sick as hell!
  • Finally, here is the email Barack Obama just sent to your editor, and only your editor:
  • Ken --

    For the first time in our nation's history, Congress has passed comprehensive health care reform. America waited a hundred years and fought for decades to reach this moment. Tonight, thanks to you, we are finally here.

    Consider the staggering scope of what you have just accomplished:

    Because of you, every American will finally be guaranteed high quality, affordable health care coverage.

    Every American will be covered under the toughest patient protections in history. Arbitrary premium hikes, insurance cancellations, and discrimination against pre-existing conditions will now be gone forever.

    And we'll finally start reducing the cost of care -- creating millions of jobs, preventing families and businesses from plunging into bankruptcy, and removing over a trillion dollars of debt from the backs of our children.

    But the victory that matters most tonight goes beyond the laws and far past the numbers.

    It is the peace of mind enjoyed by every American, no longer one injury or illness away from catastrophe.

    It is the workers and entrepreneurs who are now freed to pursue their slice of the American dream without fear of losing coverage or facing a crippling bill.

    And it is the immeasurable joy of families in every part of this great nation, living happier, healthier lives together because they can finally receive the vital care they need.

    This is what change looks like.

    My gratitude tonight is profound. I am thankful for those in past generations whose heroic efforts brought this great goal within reach for our times. I am thankful for the members of Congress whose months of effort and brave votes made it possible to take this final step. But most of all, I am thankful for you.

    This day is not the end of this journey. Much hard work remains, and we have a solemn responsibility to do it right. But we can face that work together with the confidence of those who have moved mountains.

    Our journey began three years ago, driven by a shared belief that fundamental change is indeed still possible. We have worked hard together every day since to deliver on that belief.

    We have shared moments of tremendous hope, and we've faced setbacks and doubt. We have all been forced to ask if our politics had simply become too polarized and too short-sighted to meet the pressing challenges of our time. This struggle became a test of whether the American people could still rally together when the cause was right -- and actually create the change we believe in.

    Tonight, thanks to your mighty efforts, the answer is indisputable: Yes we can.

    Thank you,

    President Barack Obama


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