Michelle Obama Can Tell Barack's Is Bigger Than Trump's Just By Looking At It
NOT THEIR DICKS, YOU PERVERTS.
Is everything terrible right now? Yes. Is it a little better than it used to be, though, ever since we BLUE WAVED Donald Trump right in his mini-mushroom dick, with votes? Yes. Will it be WAY better when the Democratic House is actually seated and Robert Mueller indicts the shitfire outta all the Trump assholes? Hell yes it will. WILL TOMORROW EVER COME, AT THIS RATE? Not bloody likely.
So here, while we await joy, is something better to do with your life than read about gross Trump. Watch delightful Michelle Obama videos, from the "Ellen" TV program of jokes and dancing! As you know, Michelle O is out there promoting her book Becoming. You should pick yourself up a copy, if you haven't yet!
Florida Vote Recounts Calm, Rational, As Expected
Also, when will Florida counties ever learn to design a damn ballot?
Florida's hand-counting of ballots is underway, and for all the Republican whining about Democrats trying to "steal" the elections for US Senate and governor (and floating insane conspiracy theories while they're at it), the recounts appear on track to confirm the results initially reported on election night: Florida's new governor will probably be Republican Rick DeSantis, and current governor and Voldemort impersonator Rick Scott will probably replace Democrat Bill Nelson in the US Senate. That doesn't necessarily mean anything is really settled, of course, because it's fucking Florida.
GOP Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith Hilarious Again, 'Let's Not Let Black People Vote' Edition
Can you believe this racist?
This is the third time this week we've covered the mixed up files of Mrs. Cindy Hyde-Smith. I'm as happy about it as you are, but the US Senator from Mississippi has a bad habit of confessing to bad things in front of cameras. She's clearly a politician best suited for a simpler, more racist time, or at least an alternate reality where cameras weren't invented. Even the most detailed sketch of her saying stupid stuff wouldn't have the same impact.
Hyde-Smith faces Democrat Mike Espy in a runoff election on Nov. 27. Video surfaced Thursday of her at a recent campaign stop in Starkville, Mississippi, promoting the practical benefits of voter disenfranchisement.
"And then they remind me that there's a lot of liberal folks in those other schools who ... maybe we don't want to vote," Hyde-Smith is heard saying. "Maybe we want to make it just a little more difficult. And I think that's a great idea."
Julian Assange To Be Offered Asylum In American Prison. Don't Bring The Cat.
Damn straight.
It would probably be fun to be an assistant US attorney. You would get to prosecute the bad guys and you would get to be friends with all the "Law & Order" people probably, we bet. But we definitely do not want to be the AUSA who accidentally cut-and-pasted a thing for one of his filings, and the thing he cut-and-pasted was from a SECRET FILING AGAINST WIKILEAKS RUSSIAN AGENT TROLL STINKY CAT LADY JULIAN ASSANGE.
Dude. We bet that guy is hitting himself repeatedly today, and nobody is even asking him, "Why are you hitting yourself?" because everybody knows.
Trump To Throw Paper Towels At California Wildfires
May also yell at people burned out of homes for making bad choices.
California has endured its deadliest wildfire in history, with 63 killed by the Camp fire in the northern part of the state, and over 9,500 homes destroyed. Property damage is in the billions of dollars, more than 50,000 people have been displaced, and the list of missing people has grown to over 600. There was even an outbreak of norovirus at one shelter for people who'd fled their homes. The fire is now 40 percent contained, but now California must brace for another catastrophe: Donald Trump is coming to comfort them. The people of California are resilient, but how much should they have to bear?
Let The Eagle Soar! Wonkagenda For Fri., Nov. 16, 2018
Robert Mueller is about to LOCK THEM UP, Julian Assange coming out from the cupboard under the stairs, and Ocasio-Cortez hits the ground running. Your morning news brief!
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
Wonkette Is Now A Kamala Harris 2020 Fanblog
Stop in the name of the law! And buy these Kamala 2020 T-shirts we made you ourselves!
What's up fuckers? Were you waiting for me to come back from Mexico and write words at ya? Well, you know I don't write words at ya anymore, because of how I hate you, each, individually, but more importantly Trump has knocked all the words right out of my silly little lady brain.
Mohammad Bone Saw Strikes Again, And This Time Trump Is Helping!
Shit is COMPLICATED.
BONESAW WEEK WILL NEVER END! It's like Infrastructure Week, only stuff actually happens. And the stuff is all horrible! This morning, Saudi authorities indicted 11 suspects in the October killing of Jamal Khashoggi, announcing their intention to execute five of them. Despite copious evidence that the killing in the Turkish consulate was ordered by Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, lackeys are going to take the fall -- with their heads. And the US Treasury Department dutifully responded by imposing sanctions on 17 Saudis "involved in the abhorrent killing" of a legal US resident who was in the process of applying for citizenship. So, we're good now, yes? We can go back to selling them murder machines to kill Yemeni civilians?
And then SHIT GOT WEIRD.
NBC reports that the Trump administration is so desperate to resume normal relations with Jared Kushner's BFF MBS that they're trying to trade 77-year-old cleric Fetullah Gülen -- a lawful resident of Pennsylvania for 20 years -- to the Turkish government in exchange for them dropping the inquiry into the Khashoggi murder.
Why Is Trump Having A Bumbling Lunatic Roid-Rage Sh*t Fit Today?
Mueller. It's always Mueller.
President Chap-Ass is showing his chapped ass to the internet again, and it's clear he's REALLY freaked out. He's been a sad sack of crap ever since he helped the GOP drown in a blue wave by tying his "239-pound" body to their ankles and letting them sink. But today, similar to how appendicitis starts out as an all-over tummyache and then centers around one terrible spot, Trump is really zeroing in on the true thing that is scaring the shit out of him, and it is Robert Mueller.
Nancy Pelosi Gonna Brain #FiveWhiteGuys With Gavel OF DEATH
Go sit in the back of the class, dudes.
The anticipated electoral "blue wave" now feels more like a riptide: You don't see it coming and then it murders you. Every day since the election, we wake up to more flipped seats. California, especially, is a blood bath. Dave Wasserman pointed out that Orange County will have no Republican representatives in the House. Let that sink in. As of today, Democrats have taken 34 seats from Republicans, along with their milk money. That number should go as high as 38, maybe 40. It's no wonder architect of our success Nancy Pelosi has coasted to presumptive Speaker of the House with a pro forma closed-door vote. No, wait, that's Chuck Schumer.
It has been the measured opinion of this publication that Schumer is a big, steaming flop. He is the perfect choice for Senate Minority Leader if you are interested in permanently remaining in the minority. If that's your goal, Chuck's your man. But if you want to kick Republican ass ... twice, Pelosi is a no brainer. Unfortunately, mediocre men can rarely hang with powerful women.
Now five spineless white guys, basically blobs of generic brand mayonnaise, are feverishly attempting to block Pelosi as the next Speaker. None of them, including yoga instructor Tim Ryan, have the guts to step forward themselves, but now they're positing Marcia Fudge, because who hates women, NOT THEM; all they know is they don't want Pelosi. Why? Because of her track record of success? She's a "goddamn legislative virtuoso." Next? She's a liberal from San Francisco? Schumer is from New York. He's probably never even seen a pickup truck with a gun rack on the back!
Trump Mad You Need ID To Buy Cheerios, But All You Need For Voter Fraud Is A Sexy French Maid Costume
IT'S. NOT. FAIR.
At the end of July, Donald Trump did a rally for a group of collected Florida Men, and he said with a straight face that you need an ID to go to the grocery store:
"You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID," Trump continued. "You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture."
At the time, defenders of Trump said things like "DURR DURR DURR MAYBE HE MEANT WHEN YOU BUY BEER OR CIGARETTES OR ROMANTIC SEXXX CONDOMS SO YOU DON'T GET YOUR COUSIN PREGGERS AGAIN." (They did not say the thing about romantic supplies. We are just being mean.)
Normal people were like HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THINK YOU NEED AN ID TO BUY GROCERIES? HOW IS THIS OUR REALITY? STOP IT!
Well, he said it again, and no, he was not talking about beer or wine or contraceptives for #MAGa Cousin Speed Dating Night down at the Shoney's.
Defense Sec Mattis Very Proud Of Troops Serving In 'Operation Midterm Election'
Like Valley Forge with better food, less frostbite, no goddamn point.
Defense Secretary Jim Mattis and Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen took a little trip to the US-Mexico border Wednesday to let Our Troops know that even though the caravan has been forgotten, they haven't been. The personnel serving in what had been "Operation Faithful Patriot" need to know Mattis, Nielsen, and the American people completely support them in their mission to get out the rightwing vote last week.
Also, even if the fancy mission name was dropped post-election, the "president" definitely thinks the world of our great military men and women, but decided to opt out of actually dropping by to see them, because they'll be on Fox News later and he can see them just fine then.
GOP Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith Doesn't Love Lynching! YOU Love Lynching!
She loves all the little black babies.
Monday, we collectively scratched our heads over the racist, scatter-brained antics of Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith of Mississippi, who joked for no sane reason about attending "public hangings" -- what we know as, you know, "lynching." Her opponent in the upcoming Senate runoff, Democrat Mike Espy, is black and this seemed especially insensitive in a state where Emmett Till committed "Mississippi suicide." Hyde-Smith didn't apologize but she also didn't double down on the crude remark. That's almost worthy of the Jeff Flake Award for Moral Courage.
However, Hyde-Smith later appeared at a press conference with Governor Phil Bryant, who appointed her to the Senate in April, presumably after she was the 12th caller in a radio promotion. The National Right to Life organization had just endorsed Hyde-Smith (it apparently has a lax policy on hangings). Reporters asked some followup questions about her appalling comments, and she performed as well as Scott Bakula might've if he'd just "Quantum Leaped" into her body and was trying to get his bearings. Oh boy!
Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY
Yes, it's because they're not Trumpy enough.
Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.
Little Marco Rubio Kicking Big 3-Pointers At His Own Face Over Florida Election
Something something 'own goal.'
Florida Senator Marco Rubio has been busy the past week auditioning for America's Next Top Trump. We know he doesn't really enjoy being a senator, with all the required showing up occasionally. And he'll never be president because the Republican Party is mostly racist and its shrinking, non-racist electorate isn't keen on "lightweight chokers" who can't get through a debate without mindlessly repeating the same anti-Obama talking points. His career options severely limited, lately he's taken to hate tweeting in his underpants like Donald Trump before John Kelly reminds him he's in the Oval Office and should put on actual pants.
Rubio started to mentally unravel after last week's midterms. Governor Rick Scott, whom Rubio only tepidly endorsed in his Senate race against incumbent Bill Nelson, was all set to flip the seat when corrupt Democrats and their Soros-funded army of lawyers insisted all votes be counted. Rubio has been really resistant to this idea for random-Bible-verse-related reasons.
Justice Department Says It's Cool For Meatball McDumb To Be Acting Attorney General, So All Y'all Can STFU
It was probably his magic toilet that keeps even super long penises dry that won DoJ over.
The Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel, after the fact and amid much controversy, has released a statement assessing that Matthew Whitaker, literally the biggest fucking idiot in the world this side of Donald Trump, whose very nomination may be unconstitutional according to such legal brains as former solicitor general Neal Katyal and possibly soon-to-be-former Kellyanne Conway's husband George, is "unquestionably" qualified to lead the departrment, even without Senate confirmation. In making this argument, DoJ explained how the Vacancies Reform Act doesn't mean what all these other legal scholars think it means, and that senior staffers such as Whitaker are totally valid choices.
DoJ rejects the argument that "principal officers," i.e. those who only answer to the president, must only and always be subject to Senate confirmation, saying that doesn't count if somebody is only playing a "principal officer" on TV, like Whitaker is:
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