The Top 6 Signs Robert Mueller Is About To Indict The Sh*tfire Outta Some Folks, According To #Science
Unless it turns out we're wrong, in which case we weren't actually wrong, YOU WERE WRONG FOR READING THIS.
It's a cloudy day in Washington DC. It's also a federal holiday, Veterans Day, but Donald Trump can't do normal presidential Veterans Day stuff like lay a wreath at Arlington National Cemetery because he saw a cloud and you know what clouds do, they spit water at your face, and Donald Trump can't get wet because he probably has rabies, allegedly.
DC is quiet, is our point.
But there are indicators that somebody is at work, and that somebody is Robert Mueller. We could be wrong, but we have a sneaking suspicion that tomorrow, or Wednesday, or at the very latest Friday, we are going to get Indictment O'Clock for an early Christmas present. Here is why:
OK we're kidding, he's still yelling at clouds.
Donald Trump is back from Paris, shaking off his incredibly challenging weekend surrounded by globalists who hate America. Along the way, he blew off visiting an American WWI cemetery Saturday because "rain," scowled his way through a ceremony marking the 100th anniversary of the Armistice, at which French President Emmanuel Macron condemned rampant nationalism, and then finally got to have a Dead-Americans-Only commemoration of WWI at a different US cemetery outside Paris, where he still couldn't resist joking about how nice it must have been to be one of the American WWII veterans in attendance, shielded from the weather. And once he got home, he's doing nothing -- maybe golfing? Dunno -- because it's a holiday of some kind. No public appearances on his schedule. It's not like he'd lay a wreath at Arlington, because this is not Memorial Day, and also it's raining.
Oh wait, no it's not.
Also, Arlington National Cemetery is two miles from the White House. But let's be fair -- perhaps Trump is worried the mist will make him have a bad day or maybe he is a Gremlin and can't come in contact with water or maybe he has just been living with rabies this whole time and that's why he can't risk it.
Not good news for John McCain.
You probably know this already, but I'm gonna tell you again because it's so delightful. Democrats are on track to pick up close to 38 House seats after last Tuesday's midterm elections. This ends eight years of dysfunctional, wannabe dictator-enabling Republican control, and anticipated two-time Speaker Nancy Pelosi gets her Ali in Zaire comeback moment.
The GOP is currently pursuing a couple options after its electoral trouncing. One is basically pretending it never happened in the first place. Maybe they're secretly impressed with how the shouty guy who thinks he's Napoleon and smells like his exhumed corpse gets a subway car all to himself. Disconnection from reality has its privileges.
Blue Wave knocks out Russia's congressman, SAD!
The Associated Press finally called the race in California's 48th Congressional District late Saturday for Democratic challenger Harley Rouda, bringing an end to nearly 30 years in Congress for US Rep. Dana Rohrabacher. Over the years, Rohrabacher had represented not only his super-conservative Orange County district, but also the Taliban and Russia, and as his district has become more liberal -- or at least less frothingly rightwing John Birch Society-esque -- it was probably only a matter of time until his seat went blue. Rohrabacher's enthusiastic defenses of Donald Trump and of Vladimir Putin only hastened the swing this year. Too bad, so sad!
Let us bid a fond but not drawn out farewell to one of Congress's more spectacular idiots while we hope he's joined by many others, soon.
MAN, the Deep State must hate this guy!
HOLY WEEKEND NEWS DUMPS! While Donald Trump was across the ocean getting dunked on by Emmanuel Macron and skipping ceremonies for war heroes because he was scared his shithole hair would get messed up, journalists kept digging into the life and times of Trump's fake acting attorney general Matthew Whitaker, and DAMN. All's we know is that the Deep State must fuckin' HAAAAAAAAATE that guy, whose appointment was probably completely illegal and unconstitutional in the first place so why are we even talking about this.
We already knew bits and pieces about Matt Whitaker's scammy scummy fraud-y old gig, on the advisory board of a scammy scummy fraud-y company called World Patent Marketing, that did some MILD FRAUDS. When customers got mad, Whitaker would write them mean threatening letters. (You should read about how they "scammed US military veterans out of their life savings," as The Guardian puts it. Happy Veterans Day!)
What we didn't know -- and what one of the victims and also some other unknown people (deep state!) were more than happy to tell the Wall Street Journal -- is that FUCKIN' COMPANY IS UNDER FBI INVESTIGATION. And Whitaker was on the advisory board! And he made videos for the company! And he sent those mean threatening letters! What we're saying is that Whitaker is in deep.
Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith made a gross comment earlier this month that is both clueless of history and casually racist. On November 2, just before the midterm election, she was at a campaign event with cattle rancher Colin Hutchinson. Demonstrating just how "ride or die" she was for Hutchinson, she boasted, "If he invited me to a public hanging, I'd be on the front row!"
This is an odd statement because public hangings are historically general admission. Maybe she's saying she'd be willing to camp out overnight to ensure she can watch some poor bastard dance at the end of a rope like a common psychopath. She is, of course, un-ironically "100 percent pro-life," because life has value until it's born. Eventually ending that life in a sickening, extrajudicial manner is a pleasant spectator sport. Bring the popcorn.
Another Senate pickup! And a special goodbye to Dana Rohrabacher also too!
Senator Sinema, FTW! Maricopa County dropped another batch of votes last night, bringing the Arizona Democrat's lead up to about 32,000. McSally would have to take the remaining uncounted votes by a margin of 22 percent to win at this point. Which means Martha McSally is more likely to melt from someone throwing a bucket of water on her than to take Jeff Flake's seat.
Remember last Wednesday when Trump gave that bonkers presser and bragged about "retiring" Jeff Flake?
Hey, THANKS, DONALD!
World leaders rain on Trump's parade, ICE is detaining even more people, and Democrats are loading their subpoena cannon. Your morning news brief.
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
'We are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is."
It is November 11, 2018, and time again for our annual tribute to Kurt Vonnegut, who made us want to be a writer, and to his birthday, which this year falls on the 100th anniversary of the end of what was optimistically called the War to End All Wars. This is our seventh consecutive Kurt Vonnegut's birthday here at Wonkette, if you can believe that, and for a change, what with the Armistice centenary and all, we're going to write an at least partly new column for the occasion instead of reprinting the old one and adding one more Vonnegut quote about war and peace. Last year's column had ballooned to 2600 words, and good heavens, that's a lot of Vonnegut even for us (there is never too much Vonnegut).
Of course, it is mandatory we begin properly, with the quote from Breakfast of Champions that we take down from the attic every year, because what's a tradition without the proper decorations?
God, we love this woman.
Michelle Obama has written a memoir, Becoming, that you should all pre-order right now so you can rejoice in the majesty of her life. She's always been real, unlike the current cubic zirconia first lady, so you might wonder how much real-er she can manage to be. Well, Obama easily ascends to the top of the Cheryl Lynn scale of realness when she reveals that she suffered a miscarriage 20 years ago that left her feeling "lost" and "alone." She also shares for the first time that both her daughters, Malia and Sasha, were conceived through in vitro fertilization.
There is no conspiracy theory too stupid for President Early Bird Menu to latch onto.
Hey you guys, Donald Trump has a new conspiracy theory festering up inside his molten orange butthole, and it is that Hillary Clinton colluded with Russia to make a fake DODGY DOSSIER that is now voting for Democrats from coast to coast, creating a make-believe NO BLUE WAVE, NO BLUE WAVE, YOU ARE THE BLUE WAVE. This is obviously why in these very close, uncalled races, they keep "finding" votes.
No, we are not fucking around, and yes, the president of the United States continues to be the stupidest fucking human being alive.
Good news for Sinemaphiles
After election-night vote tallies showed her narrowly trailing Republican Martha McSally, Democrat Kyrsten Sinema now leads the Arizona race for US Senate by nearly 10,000 votes, with about half a million mail-in ballots yet to be counted. Not surprisingly, both campaigns insist the remaining votes will result in victory, but just to help nudge things along, the state Republican Party is suing to prevent any further counting of ballots in the state's two biggest counties, which lean Democratic, because how is counting Democrat votes even fair?
New rule: Asylum only for Russian workers at Trump resorts. Maybe Norwegians, too, we'll see.
The Trump administration is rolling out some truly evil fuckery on immigration today, rewriting how the US considers the cases of people asking for asylum at the southern border. In essence, the new directive will trash the asylum laws as written by Congress so that only people applying for asylum after crossing the border at an official port of entry will be considered. Those crossing outside ports of entry will be far more likely to be subject to immediate deportation. The new rules, expected to go into effect almost immediately, are likely to be challenged in court the moment they're implemented, since the Executive branch is attempting to override established law. Trump apparently figures his Supreme Court will let him do whatever he wants, and with his new crowd of creeps, he might even be right, who knows?
How many Scaramuccis is this fucking idiot gonna last?
It's your daily chronicle of how Matthew Whitaker, the fake, make-believe "acting attorney general" Donald Trump illegally installed after firing Jeff Sessions, manages to be dangerous and stupid and highly unqualified and hilariously mock-able, all at the same time!
First of all, "senior officials" in the White House are expressing shock and dismay that they flouted the line of succession at DOJ and stuck in an asslicking sycophant, and instead of just accepting it, America is digging into his story and everything we find out about him makes us say "LOL!" and "what a fucking dipshit!"
2000 deja vu all over again
Florida has been a hot mess of electoral shenanigans if not outright fraud for as long as I can remember. I still have the Katherine Harris-inflicted scars from the 2000 election. Tuesday night, Republicans Ron DeSantis and Rick Scott pulled ahead in the vote counts for Florida governor and senator, so they just sort of stopped counting. Not counting votes is a reliable, Supreme Court-approved strategy. Why wait for all those pesky returns to come in when we've already tabulated the results from the Republican candidates' own homes? They even counted those votes twice!
Everybody hates Matthew Whittaker, ANOTHER Florida recount, and Tucker Carlson clutches his pearls. Your morning news brief.
Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.
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