New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration


“These are the times that try men's souls," Thomas Paine once wrote, even though some scold of a junior high language arts teacher probably told him he should have written “times like these try men’s souls” because active voice.

Today, as in Paine’s time, men’s souls are tried. We’re not worried about securing our independence and the blessings of liberty anymore so much as fretting about how Congress can’t seem to figure out to trim the deficit without screwing over vital government services. Or mildly inconveniencing the military-industrial complex and wealthy Americans, who are currently subject to historically low taxation. Mainly, Congress doesn’t want to do bother the defense contractors and rich people. It’s a well-established fact that men’s (and women’s) souls were made of stronger stuff back in 1776.

“The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in the crisis, shrink from the service of his country; but he that stands it NOW, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman,” Paine continued.

Who will be the winter warrior to lead America out of this (wholly manufactured) crisis of “sequestration”? Well, Wonketteers, look no further. We’ve found such a person to save our republic from absurd Inside The Beltway groupthink, a man that even Bonnie Tyler would call a hero. His name is Bruce Fries, of the Washington DC Fries, and he is strong, and he is fast, and he is fresh from the fight.

Tomorrow, Fries will stand up to the politicians by bravely driving around with his hazard lights flashing! According to his press release, he wants you to join him in this heroic and in no way ineffectual effort to influence our elected leaders.

“The sequester represents a tyranny of the majority, by a minority of our elected officials. It’s harmful, it’s damaging, it’s un-democratic,” Fries said. “It’s gone on too long, and it needs to stop before they take the whole country down.”

The only way to defeat the tyranny of the majority of the minority (ponder that for second) is to drive around all day tomorrow like there is something wrong with your car.

Will you do it? Will you sacrifice the dignity of your otherwise operational vehicle and basic road etiquette in order to send a half-baked and purely symbolic message to Washington that almost surely will be ignored because like only seven people will do this dumb thing?

Or will you be that summer solider who just goes about your life like a normal human being and expects Congress to, you know, not create a crisis every time they’re expected to do their job?


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