President of New Hampshire

Donald Trump finally redeemed himself after his humiliating weak-baby L-O-S-E-R loser defeat in corn mazes of Iowa last week, by winning the holy OMG hot dayum bejesus out of the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night.

He whoop-assed the eleventeen other Republican losers, with a big fat 35 percent of the vote, lapping Miss Runner-Up John Kasich, who moderately smirked his way into a very distant second place, with a pitiful 16 percent -- which of course The Media is declaring an impressive sort-of win that is actually a decisive not-win, but hey, The Media, you do you.

And as for all those other sad pathetic candidates who done got Trump'd so hard, their grandkids are gonna be sore? Well, Marco Rubio apologized to his supporters for sucking.

"I did not do well on Saturday night," he said, "so listen to this. That will never happen again." But of course it will, and Rubio will continue to suck, because Rubio is a non-stop suck machine, even if he makes David Brooks feel a funny "Oh baby!" in his panties.

And then there's Chris Christie. After he spent Saturday night's Republican debate smacking Rubio up and down and sideways and diagonally and across his face and right on his naughty bottom, it seemed Christie had a glimmer of a chance of ... well, of still losing in New Hampshire, obviously, but maybe elbowing his way into a face-saving thirdish place?

But nope! Christie stumbled into single-digit sixth place, so instead of onwarding to South Carolina, he's going to slink back to New Jersey -- which, last time we checked, doesn't like him either -- to eat some nachos and ice cream with his daily vitamins and come to grips with the reality that it's time to peace out:

“We are going to go home to New Jersey, and we are going to take a deep breath, see what the final results are … because that matters,” Christie said last night. “We will make our next step forward based on the 
complete results in New 

We look forward to Christie's announcement that he's dropping out to spend more time shutting down bridges, once he finally exhales that deep breath. Should be any minute now.

As for the other losers ... Unfortunately for Jeb Bush, he managed to land fourth place, somehow, so he didn't do badly enough to just call it quits and go home already. Sorry, Jeb.

Ben Carson did so badly, with a mere 2 percent of the vote, that even Carly Fiorina beat him. His "yay, we didn't come in last cuz we beat Jim Gilmore" party sounds like it was a real blast:

The attendance at the party briefly peaked at about 50 people. It wasn’t much of a party. Supporters milled around chatting. Food was served. There were two bars set up but neither was inundated. A woman working behind one of them spent much of her time knitting a blanket.

When Ben Carson wakes up from his perpetual nap, someone let him know the time has come for him to say night-night for good.

As for the night's YOOOOOOGE winner? Well, turns out New Hampshire voters really dig Trump's brand of bombastic stupid. According to exit polls, Trump swept voters who would totally Pay-Per-View to watch him deport all the Messicans. People who are "very" or "somewhat" worried terrorists are hiding under the beds? Yup, they all want Trump. And they overwhelmingly believe Trump, and only Trump, can effectively swing his big honking balls to bully the rest of the world:

There is literally no other candidate who can negotiate with Iran or bomb the shit out of ISIS or make Mexico build a wall, or whatever other global crisis may emerge. It's Trump or no one.

One final fun fact: people with a "high school education or less" are big fans of Trump. YOOOOGE. They really believe Trump can Make America Great Again, so even if they can't read too good, they were at least able to sound out the words on his hat.

Ain't democracy grand?



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