About four or five sexually-based allegations ago, a novelty news station in Atlanta commissioned a fancy private investigator with his fancy lie-detecting software to rifle through the various non-sequiturs Herman Cain offered during his November 8 press conference denying said allegations to see if it could detect any inadvertent molecules of truth. Most everyone can sort of go "haha, okay" at this human (?) interest story that some news producer short on time and also short on ideas slapped together to fill air between car commercials. It’s funny, that people who call themselves “body language experts” and "lie detector professional enthusiasts" exist and can be summoned for skits like this and so forth, and you should definitely watch the clip after the jump. Quick note to Herman Cain supporters, though: AVOID MAKING THIS RIDICULOUS LOCAL NEWS BIT INTO ACAMPAIGN AD FOR YOUR DUDE!

There are a lot of stupidly moving parts to this fiasco, so let’s start from the beginning.

In the news clip, private eye "TJ Ward" loads a (purportedly) $15,000 bit of software onto a bank of supercomputers made of old tires and marbles. Boom, pow, splat, gurgle, and voila! A magical algorithm uses the smooth baritone audio from Herman Cain’s press conference to shoot out a bunch of squigglies from which Ward then derives the following unassailable conclusion:

“If he is hiding something, this thing would have spiked way down here," said Ward.  "He is being truthful, totally truthful.  He is a man with integrity and he talked directly about not knowing any incident he is accused of."

Sounds totally unbiased! The same program then processes the press conference of Cain Accuser #J7685 (i.e., the first blond one, Sharon Bialek) and CONVENIENTLY ENOUGH pronounces her a ruthless lying attention whore!

Nonetheless, we are forced to count this as a victory for lie-detectin’ pseudoscience everywhere. Not only did ("the only official campaign of Herman Cain for President") prominently link to the original CBS Atlanta story pretty much as soon as it came out, but now a Cain support group (the non-sexy kind) is using this teevee story in a glitzy new ad, starring "one of the foremost lie detector experts in America."

Okay, quit it with this campaign already. The schmucks will still buy your books, geez. [Gawker; CBS Atlanta]


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