Donate

Oh, Republicans!


Ever since Donald Trump's elegant penis wrapped itself around the Republican primary race and he became the all-but-certain presumptive nominee, those dumbass #NeverTrump dead-enders have been ... well, they've been just pathetic. They've been weeping with their peepers, gnashing with their chompers, and beating their own boobies over how America is over, and Hillary is gonna be the next president and OH BOTHER! Their plans for a contested convention had died when Ted Cruz and John Kasich sticked their tails between their testicular taint regions and went home, and now all hope is lost.

OR IS IT? There is a new, brilliant #NeverTrump plan, and maybe it will work!

Republican strategist Liz Mair, who has become one of the public faces of the anti-Trump crowd, tells Mother Jones that she's been having conversations with other leading conservatives opposed to Trump about a variety of backup options [...]. One option, should they fail to recruit a viable candidate to run nationwide, is to get conservative candidates to run independent, single-state bids in as many states as possible. [...]

[P]erhaps conservatives could convince [Mitt Romney] to put his name on the ballot in Utah, where he's popular due to his family roots there and his Mormon faith. Or Scott Walker could run just in Wisconsin, Mair suggests, or Rick Perry in Texas ... Even non-politicians, she believes, would be better than Trump. "If we're going to be in the era of celebrities, we could get Clint Eastwood or Kurt Russell," Mair says.

BRB, dying.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/601388/let-us-drink-the-delicious-tears-of-the-nevertrump-brigades"></a>[/wonkbar]OK, so the plan, Mair explains, is that if Scott Walker runs for president of Wisconsin and Rick Perry is emperor of Texas and Clint Eastwood is the sheriff of California, then Hillary and Trump won't be able to win NOTHIN'. Maybe they could exhume the dead, rotting ball sack of Ronald Reagan and it could run for president in some states too! You know some Republicans would just love to vote for that!

So then, with nobody being the actual winner, the House of Representatives would have to elect the president, because Constitution reasons, and they could pick somebody nicer, like ... maybe this guy?

Obviously

But he doesn't even wanna be president! (Or so he says.)

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/599656/john-kasich-will-underpants-gnome-his-way-to-gop-nomination-youll-see"></a>[/wonkbar]But actually, and HOLY FUCK, this plan is worse Underpants Gnome shit than John Kasich's plan to win the GOP nomination with fewer delegates than Little Marco Rubio.

But maybe it will work and America will be totally DTF with our new "reasonable" Republican President Paul Ryan! Or whatever other "reasonable" guy they choose! And maybe we will all get a pony and some glitter and happiness will reign over the land, and the country won't even go down in flames one bit, because after all, Americans LOVE it when the votes of LITERALLY KABILLIONS of people are disenfranchised, and all because the establishment GOP has a chapped, leaking anus over Donald Trump.

Or maybe there would be riots, who knows. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[Mother Jones]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

$
Donate with CC
'Bella" by Wonkette Operative 'IdiokraticSubpoenaKommissar'

Sunday already, which means a substantial portion of US America is preparing to be astonished/heartbroken/outraged by the series finale of that show with the dragons, while another portion is just going to stay off Twitter for three days because nothing will make any sense. Yr Dok Zoom tends to come very late to trendy things, so get ready for our own thoughts on the gamy thrones show sometime in about 2023, or never. But we'd be glad to tell you just how much we enjoy the brilliance and humanity of the Cartoon Network series "Steven Universe," which debuted in 2013 and we started bingeing on the Hulu last month, late again.

Hell, we still want to talk about that one Mrs Landingham episode of "The West Wing," which we first watched years after it aired (We finally bought our new used car yesterday, and know one thing: don't drive over to the White House to show it off to President Bartlet). We might even get around to reading Infinite Jest someday. We hear it has something to do with a superhero team and a guy named Thanos. So hey, let's talk about culture and missing out and patching together some knowledge of what's happening anyway.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Get Me Roger Stone

Roger Stone, his wife would like you to know, is broke. And he is not dealing with it well. Once in khaki suits, gee, he looked swell, full of that yankee-doodle-dee-dum, but now no one calls him Al anymore and he has to stand on a street corner singing "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Yesterday, the conservative but also kind of Never Trumper site The Bulwark revealed the details of a grifty "fundraising" plea sent out by Stone's wife Nydia, begging supporters to give money to the Stones in order to help them keep up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed.

It was titled "I am embarrassed to write this."

"Dear Friend," begins the missive. "My husband and I have an urgent new problem and we need your help. I told my husband I was going to write you, one of his most valued supporters. I am embarrassed to write this, but I must."

"Mrs. Roger Stone" tells a tale of woe: FBI agents swooping in on them at the crack of dawn to arrest her husband, a subsequent "fake news" feeding frenzy causing friends and fans to abandon the Stones.

"He laid off all our consultants, contractors and employees, and we have 'pulled in our belts' like so many Americans in 'tight times,'" she wrote, sounding for all the world like a plucky working-class patriot, not the wife of a man who made and lost his fortune lying in the service of power.

She should have been more embarrassed.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc