New Trump Ad Is Very Long And Painful And Makes No Sense, But We Watched It For You Anyway

The Donald Trump campaign has released an eight-minute-long ad type thing, and boy is it full of a lot of bullshit! Seriously, like, so much bullshit that I quite honestly do not even know where to start. Ted Nugent is in it talking about American values, which is an interesting choice given that he is a dude who once adopted an underage girl in order to have sex with her, and wrote a song about gang-raping a 13-year-old child!

The ad is titled #Heartland4Trump, and I think the best way to handle this -- and, indeed, the only way I can -- is to just go through and list the various incidents of bullshit and what-the-fuckery happening throughout. Because it is not an easy thing to wrap one's brain around, I will tell you that much.

OPEN: Donald J. Trump and some other dude are sitting around in camo and talking about how hunting is totally an important political issue. Which it's not, really, unless you are doing this kind of hunting, which is off-putting to a lot of people, including many hunters:

You know, the kind of hunting where they quarantine off an elephant for you, a rich douchebag, and then let you "hunt" it so you can pose for a stupid picture? Anyway, he's all like "Hunters have to get out there, they have to make their voices heard." Which is super dumb because almost no one is mad at normal-ass hunting right now. Go, hunt! Hillary Clinton doesn't give a fuck! Is it a hobby any of us want to do? Maybe not, but also I don't particularly want to do macrame or go swimming with dolphins or go skydiving, and I'm not trying to have any of that banned.

We want reasonable gun control, but that shouldn't really have an effect on hunting. It's not like you're going to have a HUNTING EMERGENCY and no gun and need to get a gun immediately with no background check. And even if it did, how often could that possibly happen? And why don't you maybe know someone else with a gun who could help you out with this hunting emergency?

0:49 OK, so other dude in camo is Mark Geist, "Benghazi Hero." and he would like you to know that during his childhood he did hunting and fishing and went to church on Sundays and hard work and honesty were good things and "traditional family values were ALWAYS seen as a positive" and he respected law and order. Because he lived in a giant open field that only had a church, apparently, and there was not much conflict to be had or anything else to do. Elsewhere in the country, there were probably some problems, and people who had other hobbies and different religions. People now are still pretty good with hard work and honesty, though, which is why most of us think Donald Trump is kinda gross!

When Geist decided to serve in the military, he says, he did so because he LOVED American Values, but a "politically correct America" has abandoned those values. What is he talking about here? What? Did gay people getting married RUIN military service for him? Or something? What "values" is he even talking about here?

1:39: For some reason there is a dude with a $100 bill over his mouth? Huh?

1:45: Geist is REAL SAD about Hillary Clinton's lack of American Values, and how she is dishonest and has bad judgment, unlike Donald Trump who always tells the truth except when he is blatantly lying about stuff like how he only did the birther thing in order to vindicate Obama from the lies the Hillary Clinton campaign was telling abut him. And always has good judgment except when he is going around believing incredibly stupid conspiracy theories all the time, like vaccines causing autism, climate change being a hoax, Ted Cruz's dad being involved in the Kennedy assassination, etc. etc.

1:55: He says Trump and his family share our traditional American values. You know, like fucking over contractors and adultery and insulting women and minorities and gold star families all the time, and generally being the worst.

2:07: "He'll adhere to the constitution" -- NOT SO MUCH! Especially that whole "freedom of the press" part, what with his plans to "open up the libel laws." OH, and the "freedom of religion" part, given his plans to somehow require everyone to say "Merry Christmas."

2:38: "TV Personality Michael Waddell" (no idea) says "When hunting becomes politically incorrect, lemme tell ya, America has lost its way."

HI, GUESS WHAT? Things being "politically incorrect" or whatever doesn't make them illegal. You don't get to demand that people approve of hunting! They are allowed to have opinions! If more people are of the opinion that hunting is dumb then you would like there to be, tough shit for you. Donald Trump being president isn't going to make people who don't like hunting suddenly think that hunting is awesome!

He is also concerned that Hillary Clinton "will never, ever support our hunting heritage."

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? What does he think she's going to do? That's not really a thing the president is in charge of!

2:57: Sheriff David A. Clarke believes Donald Trump will "focus on what's really made this country great from the beginning of its founding." Which was, of course, a really good time for people like Sheriff David A. Clarke, who happens to be a black man.

3:09: OH HEY IT IS TED NUGENT. Who, again, wrote a song about gang-raping a 13-year-old child, shat his own pants to avoid the draft, has called for Hillary Clinton to be hanged, adopted an underage girl in order to have sex with her, supposedly got a blow job from a 12-year-old Courtney Love, who believes he is more Native American than Native Americans, and should be allowed to say the n-word without anyone criticizing him for doing so, because he likes Motown.And did so many other terrible things, holy fuck, because he is a terrible person.

He'd like to see us return to the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, the Ten Commandments and the Golden Rule. The latter of which means that Ted Nugent would like someone to write a song about handcuffing him so that some cops can gang-rape him!

He then goes on about hunting, 'cause this is what this whole thing is about, I guess, and talks about how great we are at "conservation." Which is weird, because Donald Trump is not so into conservation, particularly when it means he might have trouble washing his glorious mane.

He then says that Hillary Clinton is against all these things, which she is not. Though we are confident that she is opposed to some of Nugent's other activities, because she is not a monster.

4:30: Keith Mark, TV Personality (again, no clue), says he LOVES UNIONS and represents unions and that Donald Trump would be great for unions. Which is fucking hilarious because dude is in favor of right-to-work laws, which basically renders unions pretty much useless. Again, this is a person who likes the "idea" of blue-collar workers, as long as he does not have to pay them, but has no idea of what protections unions need legally or how they function.

He also says Trump has a plan to bring jobs back to blue collar America. And sure, he does! But even if he were to bring manufacturing jobs back here, they aren't going to pay like they used to because they won't have to use unions like they did before, because of Republican policies supported by Donald J. Trump. They will pay like Walmart jobs! Which is why, instead of hoping those jobs come back here and manufacturers decide -- out of the goodness of their hearts -- to pay what they used to, we should actually work on making sure the lower-wage jobs we have here now start paying a living wage.

5:09: Jason Hairston, Entrpreneur, is apparently an idiot who is bad at reading. He's very concerned Hillary Clinton will sell off public land, which is not a thing she has any intention of doing. Donald Trump, on the other hand, actually does want to get rid of national parks and public land and give it to people like the Bundys! And his current plan, as far as that's concerned, is to put an oil executive in charge of the national parks. So, uh, pretty sure you can kiss all of that goodbye, Mr. Hairston.

6:09: OH HEY IT IS SEAN HANNITY, talking about how Donald Trump is going to put "originalists" on the Supreme Court. BLAH BLAH BLAH MORE STUPID HANNITY STUFF, WHATEVS.

6:39: Kris Kobach, Kansas secretary of state, is all ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE STEALING OUR JOBS about shit, like Americans are lining up for these jobs and not getting them.

7:22: Donald Trump is so glad that the hunting people support him, because apparently there is some kind of push to make hunting illegal that I haven't heard about, and that no one else has heard about.

AND IT'S FUCKING OVER THANK GOD! Seriously, that was painful. I need a glass of wine now. I need all the wine.

[H/T New Civil Rights Movement]

Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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