2019: The Year We Finally Started Taking Climate Seriously. Or More Seriously.
Most of us. Just not the people in charge.
Let's start with good news on climate: In poll after poll, large majorities of Americans say they agree climate is a major concern and that the government needs to do more to reduce carbon emissions. More than three-quarters of adults and teens agree that human activity is affecting the climate, and a majority think it's not too late to find solutions. Some people are shaky on the scientific details; a Washington Post/Kaiser Family Foundation poll earlier this month found that
43 percent of adults and 57 percent of teens cited "plastic bottles and bags" as a "major" contributor to climate change, which is incorrect. That response may echo a recent burst of news media attention to plastic pollution in the oceans.
But the main point is that big majorities know that burning fossil fuels is heating up the planet, so if some people drive less and recycle more plastic, that's not a terrible thing. How's this for encouraging? Among Republicans, a majority of millennials and Gen-Z young'uns want more government action on climate, too. Baby steps -- teach your parents well, young Rs.
2019: Rudy Giuliani's Crazyass Year
It was real crazyass!
It's been a hell of a year for the president's pro bono lawyer Rudy Giuliani. It started when Rudy admitted on live television that his client was negotiating with Russia to build Trump Tower Moscow all the way up to the election, NO COLLUSION! It ended with Rudy drooling onto his sweater, ranting about WHO IS JOO, and under investigation by his old office at the Southern District of New York. Along the way, there were ten thousand butt dials, one hideous divorce, and his Ukrainian machinations managed to get Donald Trump impeached. So all in all, it was an amazing success!
Your 2019 Wonkette Top Ten Is Mostly Just Liveblogs And Asking For Money
YOU COME READ THESE ... oh fuck it just give us money.
HOORAY! We have made it through another godforsaken year of the Trump presidency, and we are all still alive, kind of! As we write this, we are "on vacation," and we will come back from it ... sometime. We guess! As we still have not figured out how to do the lifehack of living without a paycheck -- potential rich husbands, please note that we are currently in the best shape we have ever been in IN OUR WHOLE LIFE, and are probably down for being Hot Trophy Husband -- we guess we will come back soon.
But anyway, we are here now! And it is time to count down the top ten stories of the whole entire year! And ... well, since we impeached Donald Trump, it's mostly liveblogs. And also Wonkette asking you for money, which (REMINDER! ACHTUNG!) is the only way Wonkette continues to exist. So please give us money.
Here are your top ten most widely read Wonkette stories of the whole entire year, along with descriptions that really don't give you any more useful information.
Meet Your 2018 Legislative Badasses Of The Year: Kamala Harris And Pramila Jayapal!
Runner Up: Nancy Pelosi!
Happy New Year, Wonkeroos, and welcome to another goddamn year of Trump, only this time around we'll have House Democrats IN POWER, to make Trump's life more interesting and also demand his tax returns. It's time for our traditional midnight post, the awarding of our coveted Legislative Badass of the Year Award, which this year we've decided to award jointly for badassery in the US Senate, to Kamala Harris of California, and in the House of Representatives, to Pramila Jayapal of Washington (the state, not the only semi-represented city/district, and hey, let's FIX THAT). Both are relative newcomers to Congress, having been elected to their respective seats in 2016, but holy Left Coast, have they made a splash all year. Let us hope they manage to somehow be even more impressive in 2019.
Your 2018 Legislative Shitmuffin Of The Whole Entire Year Is ... JIM JORDAN!
Honorable mention: all the other Republicans who exist.
You might be thinking, wait, there is a prize as coveted worldwide as the Wonkette Official Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year, and you're going to give it to Ohio bumblefuck idiot asshole Congressman Jim Jordan? Shouldn't that go to Mark Meadows or Devin Nunes or Louie Gohmert or Matt Gaetz or Paul Ryan or Bob Goodlatte or the whole rest of the House Freedom Caucus or (on the Senate side) Lindsey Graham or Tom Cotton or Chuck Grassley or Rand Paul or John Cornyn or ...
And the answer is yes, there are so many Republicans in elected office in the United States Congress who are the absolute worst, and if we had a few hundred awards to give out, each and every one of their special snowflake asses would be getting a participation trophy.
But we're going to go ahead and award it to Jim Jordan this time, for a couple of reasons. First of all, Devin Nunes won last year, and honestly, though we are certain he was an absolute shitshow behind the scenes, he just didn't grab our attention as much this year. How many times can one Wonkette write about a justice-obstructing congressman who may or may not have a Love Cow he goes on extramarital dates with before we get bored? (A lot.)
We're not going to give an exhaustive list of all the times Jim Jordan was an asshole this year. Five or ten examples should do.
The Top Ten Numbers Between 10 and 1 To Use When Counting Down To Midnight
They're not all what you think.
[Scene: Secret Wonkette chatcave]
Wonkette 1: We need another couple posts before midnight.
Wonkette 2: Yes, but what should they BEEEEEEEEE?
Individual 1: WHAT ABOUT A POST ABOUT ALL THE STABLE GENIUS TWEETS I SENT TODAY?
Wonkette 1: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CHATCAVE, DONALD TRUMP.
Wonkette 3 (Evan): How about 2018's hottest baby and dog names for insufferable #Resistance people who are obsessed with the Russia investigation? SPOILER, the hottest baby name is "Muellyr" with a Y, and the dog name is "George Pup-A-Dup-Oulos."
Wonkette 1: No.
Wonkette 3 (Evan): OK fine, then we will just do a countdown of the best numbers between 10 and one for people to use when they are counting down to midnight tonight. It will have a JOKE SURPRISE in it.
Yes Wonkers, that's right, that's what's happening right now. Please do try to keep up, as this is one of the most complex posts we will ever publish at this here website. We have scheduled it for two hours before the ball drops, so you have time to practice but not so much time you forget.
The Year In Garbage Men. In So Many, Many Garbage Men.
Fuckin' dudes. I tell ya.
Misogyny had a big year in 2018! We had MGTOWS and incels a plenty. We had Jordan Peterson fans galore. You want Ross Douthats? I'm glad there's not 20, because honestly one is enough and why does even the one have a column in The New York Times? We also had a ton of Nazis and Proud Boys and Alt-Right and Alt-Light people and other terrible people, who -- apart from a few "I'm totally on YOUR side, fellas! Please tell me I'm fuckable!" ladies here and there -- tend to mostly be men. Why? Because like 90% of all shittiness is boner-related. Freud was not that wrong.
But I digress! Here are a few of the fellas who made 2018 a somewhat more unbearable time to be a woman.
2019 New Year's Resolution: No. More. Babies. In Cages.
Not even if you can blame Democrats. Really!
Hey, remember how Republicans' only strategy for the 2018 midterms was scaring people about the caravan of murderous virile Honduran men who turned out not to be an invasion force after all, and Democrats won the House anyway? Doesn't matter! Donald Trump knows in his heart that being a dick to Mexicans -- whatever shithole country they're from! -- is how he got elected, so if there's one thing his presidency has focused on, it's the endless quest to find new ways to screw immigrants. Yes, even legal immigrants, because Stephen Miller hates them, too. Let's briefly recall some of the things we hope will someday be nothing more than fodder for AP history essays asking, "But didn't they know that was WRONG?" Unless of course Republicans in 2068 insist it be left out of AP history in favor of more uplifting stuff.
Our Friend The Carbon Molecule!
2018 was a record year. We can stop it in 2019 with the Green New Deal!
Time for another look back at the state of our species' attempts to save itself from itself, and the news is ... oh, lordy, kids, it's ugly, is what it is. The downer stuff: 2018 set a new record for worldwide emissions of carbon dioxide, and the USA has a president whose excellent brain tells him science isn't real, because he thinks plastic in the oceans somehow has something to do with global warming. But let's not lose hope, either, because polling indicates the vast majority of Americans -- 78 percent -- agree that climate change is real, and that we need to take action to keep the planet livable. Hell, even a large majority of Republicans (64 percent) now agree that climate change is real, as opposed to just 49 percent three years ago. It is almost as if they are believing their lying eyes! Mind you, those are ordinary people, not the ones in Congress. Please refer to the Upton Sinclair line about how hard it is to get someone to understand when their salary depends on not understanding it.
2018: The Year In Robert Mueller's Witch Hunt Finding SO MANY GUILTY-ASS WITCHES
Here's to Mueller finding many more in 2019!
Public service announcement: Don't pay attention to news reports that claim to have specific insider knowledge that Robert Mueller's investigation is almost over. The damn thing will be over when it's over, and we're pretty sure a lot of those news reports quote "unnamed sources" whose names rhyme with Judy Riuliani.
But since 2018 is ending, let's recap all of the people Robert Mueller -- and other courts, also too, in related investigations! -- has indicted, taken guilty pleas from, and sent to jail, and also those who have become cooperating witnesses. There are so many! If we missed one, say it in the comments!
Instead of writing out a big summary of what's going on with each person or entity, we will tell you some catchphrases like GUILTY AS FUCK or COOPERATING AS FUCK, or GOING TO JAIL AS FUCK, or ... you get the idea. We will also link to our most recent stories on them, so you know what's up.
Wonkette's Yearly Top Ten List Only Happens Once A Year! (That's Why It's Called That, Duh)
YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES OF THE YEAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW.
Why is that moving picture of Celine Dion right there? You are probably wondering because each and every Saturday we count down the top stories of the week, and our long-runnning joke FACT is that those stories are not chosen by popularity or web traffic, but rather by a lady we like to call Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, because that is her name.
But since this is the yearly top ten list, we have a new chooser, and it is Celine Dion, who is so famous.
So! This works just like the weekly top ten, except for how it is the top ten stories of THE WHOLE YEAR. It's a pretty good list, and tells you a lot about what we've experienced as a nation and as a Wonkette this year.
Shall we write a bunch more filler words, or should we just count the fuckers down?
We think we should just count.
SIXTY THREE People Arrested for ONE Bag of Weed In NOT AT ALL RACIST Party Bust
Bringing in 2018 with a bang AND a bust!
Hey y'all! Did you have a wild time on New Year's Eve? Was it like, shooting off fireworks wild? Was it so wild the cops came and arrested you and every one of your friends just for being at the party? Did you know that that was even a thing that could happen? Do you even party, bro?
Trump's New Year's Eve Grab-A-Puss-A-Palooza Looks Like It Was Good Wholesome Fun
Don't you wish you could party with the Trumps at Mar-a-Lago? If not, why not?
How did you ring in 2018? Did you stay in like an old person with all your friends and eat and drink one million things and maybe you didn't even get to eat black eyed peas yet because you weren't really "awake" for New Year's Day?
Your 2017 Legislative Boyfriend We Mean Hero Of The Year Is ADAM SCHIFF!
He is the literal opposite of Devin Nunes, and that is why he wins.
Your 2017 Legislative Shitmuffin Of The Whole Entire Year Is DEVIN NUNES, COME ON DOWN AND SUCK IT!
Oh Devin Nunes, YOU EARNED IT. YOU REALLY, REALLY EARNED IT.
He still looks like this now.
2017: These Are The People Who Died, Died
Who's ready to get their in Memoriam on? Death makes us weird.
This year, like every year since people started being born, a lot of people died. It has gotten so bad for famous folks since 2016 that we are already sick of people saying "saw (fill in the blank) trending, didn't know if they were dead or a pervert." But yeah, that happens a lot, so here is a list of folks who are in fact deceased, and only a few of them were also rumored to be that other thing.
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