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Science

Our Friend The Carbon Molecule!

2018 was a record year. We can stop it in 2019 with the Green New Deal!

Time for another look back at the state of our species' attempts to save itself from itself, and the news is ... oh, lordy, kids, it's ugly, is what it is. The downer stuff: 2018 set a new record for worldwide emissions of carbon dioxide, and the USA has a president whose excellent brain tells him science isn't real, because he thinks plastic in the oceans somehow has something to do with global warming. But let's not lose hope, either, because polling indicates the vast majority of Americans -- 78 percent -- agree that climate change is real, and that we need to take action to keep the planet livable. Hell, even a large majority of Republicans (64 percent) now agree that climate change is real, as opposed to just 49 percent three years ago. It is almost as if they are believing their lying eyes! Mind you, those are ordinary people, not the ones in Congress. Please refer to the Upton Sinclair line about how hard it is to get someone to understand when their salary depends on not understanding it.

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Russia

2018: The Year In Robert Mueller's Witch Hunt Finding SO MANY GUILTY-ASS WITCHES

Here's to Mueller finding many more in 2019!

Public service announcement: Don't pay attention to news reports that claim to have specific insider knowledge that Robert Mueller's investigation is almost over. The damn thing will be over when it's over, and we're pretty sure a lot of those news reports quote "unnamed sources" whose names rhyme with Judy Riuliani.

But since 2018 is ending, let's recap all of the people Robert Mueller -- and other courts, also too, in related investigations! -- has indicted, taken guilty pleas from, and sent to jail, and also those who have become cooperating witnesses. There are so many! If we missed one, say it in the comments!

Instead of writing out a big summary of what's going on with each person or entity, we will tell you some catchphrases like GUILTY AS FUCK or COOPERATING AS FUCK, or GOING TO JAIL AS FUCK, or ... you get the idea. We will also link to our most recent stories on them, so you know what's up.

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Weekly Top Ten

Wonkette's Yearly Top Ten List Only Happens Once A Year! (That's Why It's Called That, Duh)

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP TEN STORIES OF THE YEAR RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Why is that moving picture of Celine Dion right there? You are probably wondering because each and every Saturday we count down the top stories of the week, and our long-runnning joke FACT is that those stories are not chosen by popularity or web traffic, but rather by a lady we like to call Beyoncé Giselle Knowles-Carter, because that is her name.

But since this is the yearly top ten list, we have a new chooser, and it is Celine Dion, who is so famous.

So! This works just like the weekly top ten, except for how it is the top ten stories of THE WHOLE YEAR. It's a pretty good list, and tells you a lot about what we've experienced as a nation and as a Wonkette this year.

Shall we write a bunch more filler words, or should we just count the fuckers down?

We think we should just count.

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Cops Behaving Badly

SIXTY THREE People Arrested for ONE Bag of Weed In NOT AT ALL RACIST Party Bust

Bringing in 2018 with a bang AND a bust!

Hey y'all! Did you have a wild time on New Year's Eve? Was it like, shooting off fireworks wild? Was it so wild the cops came and arrested you and every one of your friends just for being at the party? Did you know that that was even a thing that could happen? Do you even party, bro?

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News

Trump's New Year's Eve Grab-A-Puss-A-Palooza Looks Like It Was Good Wholesome Fun

Don't you wish you could party with the Trumps at Mar-a-Lago? If not, why not?

How did you ring in 2018? Did you stay in like an old person with all your friends and eat and drink one million things and maybe you didn't even get to eat black eyed peas yet because you weren't really "awake" for New Year's Day?

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Russia

Your 2017 Legislative Boyfriend We Mean Hero Of The Year Is ADAM SCHIFF!

He is the literal opposite of Devin Nunes, and that is why he wins.

also he did one of these nice pictures (photo:Adam Bouska)

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Russia

Your 2017 Legislative Shitmuffin Of The Whole Entire Year Is DEVIN NUNES, COME ON DOWN AND SUCK IT!

Oh Devin Nunes, YOU EARNED IT. YOU REALLY, REALLY EARNED IT.

He still looks like this now.

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News

2017: These Are The People Who Died, Died

Who's ready to get their in Memoriam on? Death makes us weird.

This year, like every year since people started being born, a lot of people died. It has gotten so bad for famous folks since 2016 that we are already sick of people saying "saw (fill in the blank) trending, didn't know if they were dead or a pervert." But yeah, that happens a lot, so here is a list of folks who are in fact deceased, and only a few of them were also rumored to be that other thing.

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Post-Racial America

2017: The Year We Punched Nazis

Well, there was a year. And it had fucking Nazis in it.

Firstly, FUCK OFF 2017 GET IN THE BIN. ALL THE WAY IN THE BIN.

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Elections

2017: The Year Those Stupid Fucking Lawyer Jokes Finally Died

What a ride! Last Lawsplainer of the year. Get it while it's HOT!

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Elections

2017: The Year We ... Won? YES. THE YEAR WE WON.

A wonderfully incomplete list of everything that went right in 2017, and we are happy to announce that actually a lot more than even this was kind of okay this year!

You guys! We have survived! It is already 2018 in whole parts of the world and that's just fucking great because so far I have heard no reports from overseas about the oceans rising up or a nuclear attack which means that no matter what happens between now and your midnight, some humans survived 2017.

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Science

2017: The Year Trump Put The Planet In Its Place

Look, we're trying not to be alarmists or anything. But our house IS on fire.

Donny Eat World

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News

Your 2017 Weekly Top Ten Official Wonkette Babby Picture Review

Boy howdy if the year of our Lord 2017 ain't been one hell of a shit pile. To channel my inner Jim Lahey, a real shit cherry, sitting on the top of a shit sundae, with streams of hot shit topping flowing around the shit sprinkles. But I, your humble Shypixel, am here to fix all of that for you.

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Weekly Top Ten

Your Annual Top Ten SURVIVED THE FIRST YEAR OF TRUMP HELL, OH YES IT DID

YOU COME READ YOUR TOP 10 STORIES OF 2017 RIGHT NOW!

This seems appropriate.

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