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Culture Wars

Kevin McCarthy: Donald Trump Always Hangs Out With Everyday Working Folk He Refuses To Pay

He's not corrupt! He's YOU!

House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy was on Fox News last night, explaining to Laura Ingraham that Donald Trump is an everyday man of the people, because unlike Democrats, who are all out-of-touch elitists, Donald Trump actually just barely puts up with the rich people with whom he surrounds himself and for whom he operates tacky, overpriced trash palaces. We haven't actually seen the whole segment, but do we really need to?

McCarthy was part of an Ingraham Very Special Episode on liberal elites last night, the same show where Candace Owens explained LBJ hated black people so much he signed civil rights laws to trap them in Democratic bondage. McCarthy's segment followed a rant called "A Party of Snobs," in which Ingraham explained that all liberals are exactly like Michael Bloomberg, who said a dumb — and deceptively edited — thing about how for 3,000 years, farming has been super easy because all you do is dig a hole, drop in a seed, add water, and you're a farmer, but those people can never learn tech jobs. (Apparently no liberals mocked Bloomberg at all, so you didn't see it.) So that would explain that "THE ELITIST LEFT" chyron.

McCarthy explained that, by contrast, the guy with the gold-covered penthouse apartment is just an ordinary Joe like the people who elected him:

If you ever go on a project with him where he's building a building, he is more in contact with those who are building it than those who are buying it. That's the uniqueness of him. He'd rather hang out with everyone who builds the building than whoever buys the room from him.

We haven't actually ever seen a photo of Donald Trump "hanging out" with the people who built his buildings, possibly because so many of them would be asking him to finally pay them for the work they did. (The complaints continued even after Trump took office.) But McCarthy said it on Fox, so you'd best believe it will now be seen as true by Trump voters. Maybe Trump will incorporate it into his attacks on the elitists who scorn him, even though he's actually richer and better educated and more elite than them! He went to Wharton!

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White House

John Bolton Invited To Kick Self In Dick At Earliest Convenience

What, are you not enjoying John Bolton's striptease? And don't you feel SORRY for him?

Stop the presses, everyone, John Bolton is finally talking. Or shall we say, he is teasing. He's styled his mustache with some Bed Head hair gel he found at the Walgreens, he's wearing a sexxxy naughty cat costume he found at the Party City, and he's showing just the tiniest bit of nip. Now you see it, now you don't!

Bolton, who didn't see it as his constitutional duty to testify before the House or the Senate in the impeachment inquiry or trial, and whose book is now being held up — obviously improperly! — by the White House acting on allegations that Bolton is too much of an idiot to write a book without including a bunch of classified intel, is nonetheless talking.

And he wants to tell you what he knows, it's just ... can you keep a secret??? No, John Bolton couldn't possibly. John Bolton must now slip his nips back inside his sexxxy naughty cat costume, because our relationship just isn't ready for it.

In an event at Duke on Monday night, Bolton said Trump is full of shit on Ukraine, but "I can't talk about it." He said all the stuff that factored into Donald Trump's impeachment were just "sprinkles on the ice cream sundae" compared to all the bad shit he wrote about ... but he can't talk about it.

Asked whether he agreed with the president's assessment that Trump's July call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky was "perfect," Bolton said "You'll love Chapter 14."

But you can't read Chapter 14. Chapter 14 is "classified." Chapter 14 is a victim of the "censorship." Chapter 14 is John Bolton's nipple, and you can't see it right now.

:(

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White Nonsense

Candace Owens Says Bernie Sanders Is As Racist As The Guy Who Passed The Civil Rights Act

Owens says Sanders is 'Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0' because she's really dumb.

Candace Owens doesn't believe in racism. She has testified as much before an astounded Congress that just wanted her to hurry up and deliver them the pizza they ordered. She does however believe in the imaginary form of racism practiced by liberals who try to pass anti-discrimination laws.

During an appearance Monday on Laura Ingraham's white power hour, Owens defended Mike Bloomberg from accusations of racism. You'd think Bloomberg has enough money to prevent Owens from "helping" him or even saying his name out loud. Owens argued that Bloomberg isn't racist. No, the "best" racist on the Left is Bernie Sanders ... because of socialism?

OWENS: [Sanders] pretends to be their friend. He lies to black America's face when he knows that he's going to be the one like Lyndon Baines Johnson. He's Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0 who is going to enact policies that are going to harm black America for the next 100 years.

When she was in high school, Owens sued the Stamford, Connecticut, public schools for racial discrimination, but she also should have filed a claim against whoever taught her American history. If Sanders were to literally campaign as "Lyndon Baines Johnson 2.0," he'd win South Carolina in a landslide. LBJ is arguably black people's favorite president after Barack Obama. One of my aunts had a set of LBJ commemorative plates. This is because most black people have brains in their head and remember that President Johnson signed the Civil Rights Act of 1964 and the Voting Rights Act of 1965. That's worth a lifetime pass to the cookout.

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Environment

Trump Thinks You'd Like A Nice Side Of Mercury With Your Coal

Trump gonna Make America Poisoned Again.

Donald Trump's administration is getting set to finalize its rollback of Obama-era regulations on mercury emissions by coal-fired power plants. That's even though America's utility companies don't even want the rules rolled back, because they've already complied with the rules. But Trump's Environmental "Protection" Agency is going to go ahead and rewrite the regulations anyway, because 1) Obama did it, so it's bad, 2) it's part of Trump's sacred mission to boost coal company profits for as long as possible before the industry dies out altogether, and 3) It will fundamentally change how government calculates the costs and benefits of environmental regulations, making it easier to rig the rules in favor of dirty industry.

As the Washington Post explains, big energy companies fear the rule change could result in costly lawsuits over a matter the industry thought was settled. Exelon, one of the biggest utility companies in the country, formally asked the EPA to leave the rule alone, calling the rollback "an action that is entirely unnecessary, unreasonable, and universally opposed by the power generation sector."

Kathy Robertson, a senior manager for environmental policy at the company, said the industry long ago complied with the rule.

"And it works," she said. "The sector has gotten so much cleaner as a result of this rule."

Sorry, Exelon. Donald Trump doesn't quite understand the math, but he knows Obama Bad, and he also knows coal baron Bob Murray, his good pal and coal whisperer, wants the rule changed. So the rule must be changed.

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justice department

Rudy Giuliani And Erik Prince Still Very Under Investigation, DOJ Leakers Here To Remind You!

Sounds like some folks at Justice are just letting us know about some stuff, in case Bill Barr tries to interfere with that stuff, ALLEGEDLY.

Yesterday, we wrote about news that Rudy Giuliani's lusty trusty pal Lev Parnas might be in for some more charges from the Southern District of New York (SDNY), related to the Fraud Guarantee company he set up to help companies "fight fraud," and for which Rudy Giuliani was to be paid many diamonds and baubles to be the spokesmodel. We noted how that's pretty weird that the case seems to be getting closer to Giuliani, who has reportedly been under criminal investigation himself, at the same time Giuliani has been allowed to set up a secret shoe phone back channel to Attorney General Bill Barr, so he could deliver the very real "information" he's been getting from shady Ukrainians about the Bidens. (His information is being sent to the US attorney in Pittsburgh, sure why not.) (How many US attorneys they got on this shit? How about Utah, Pittsburgh, Missouri, Connecticut?)

But worry not, allegedly! Because there's also news out there that SDNY's investigation into Giuliani is still going strong.

The Washington Post reported this weekend that SDNY investigators moved the ball forward as the impeachment trial was ending, which feels like 12 years ago in Trump time, but was actually like a week and a half ago. The impeachment trial might not have been getting witnesses and documents, but SDNY sure was! And on top of the continued investigations into Parnas and Igor Fruman, their shady money deals and Giuliani's possible involvement with that, they're also prying into Giuliani's scheme against fired ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, which was undertaken because she was in the way of the corrupt Biden investigations sought by Donald Trump.

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SCOTUS

Damn Right Mitch McConnell Would Fill SCOTUS Seat In Election Year While Ordering Code Red

Mitch McConnell has the morals of a common Mitch McConnell.

During an interview last week, Mitch McConnell was asked what he'd do if a Supreme Court vacancy opened up just a few months prior to this year's presidential election. This was somewhat of a softball question. McConnell is the Senate majority leader and, when not running sham impeachment trials, confirming Supreme Court justices is a big part of his job description. What kind of a ragamuffin Senate majority leader would leave a Supreme Court seat open for months, collecting dust and looking all sad like Miss Havisham? Mitch McConnell, that's who. It's what he did in 2016 when Antonin Scalia defied his Christian God and died during Barack Obama's presidency. McConnell said that the "American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President." It was a fancy pronouncement with at least one instance of a "therefore."

To the surprise of no one not suffering from terminal naïveté, McConnell now says that he would indeed confirm a Supreme Court justice during a presidential election year, because Donald Trump is president, not Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton. Trump is a Republican and would nominate someone from the right-wing hack section of the Sears catalog. McConnell doesn't understand what your problem is.

It's been four years and people keep asking McConnell this question like he's some sort of a carbon-based mammal capable of feeling shame. It's unclear why people make this error. He's not even that lifelike. You can only eat wax fruit a few times before you're responsible for your own gastric distress.

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News

How Personal Tragedy Inspired Me To Lead Diversity And Inclusion At Papa John’s. Tabs, Tues., Feb. 18, 2020

GONNA READ ALL ABOUT IT!

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Class War

Why Does This Jesus Man Want Restaurants To Fail?

Yet another explanation for why you're not rich, you loser.

Twitter is a wonderful place where you can find cute animal videos and also complete idiots, like this thought from a guy called "Dave Ramsey," a bestselling writer of books on financial success. According to the wiki, Mr. Ramsey's books and radio show advocate "a fiscally disciplined approach to personal and household finances, including the strict management of debt, and often feature a Christian perspective."

We'd never heard of him before today, but here he is, explaining how to get out of debt:

If you're working on paying off debt, the only time you should see the inside of a restaurant is if you're working there.

Like a lot of common sense financial advice, it sounds very sensible and straightforward. And for most people, about as useful as the rightwing geniuses who explain that nobody would ever go bankrupt from medical bills if only they didn't waste their money on iPhones instead.

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Legal

CURSES! Bill Barr's Plot To Jail Ex-FBI Guy Andy McCabe FOILED AGAIN!

And Matt Gaetz and Lou Dobbs are losing their miiiiiinds!

The howler monkeys of wingnutistan spent the holiday weekend all up in their feelings about the Justice Department not doing LOCK HER UPS to former deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe. They were promised scalps, dammit, and now all they've got is a rapidly softening rage boner disappearing under a belly distended by decades of Hannity, Budweiser, and the BarcaLounger. SAD!

On Valentine's Day, the US Attorney's Office in DC sent McCabe's lawyers a love note acknowledging the obvious: that they aren't going to be charging McCabe with shit, so they've finally tapped out and closed the investigation.

"It is an absolute disgrace that they took two years and put my family through this experience for two years before they finally drew the obvious conclusion and one they could have drawn a long, long time ago," McCabe said on CNN, where he is a commentator. But for the MAGA nutbags, the real disgrace was that the DOJ didn't charge McCabe with something, anything.

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State/Local Politics

Meet Dennis, The Iowa GOP-er All Buttered Up About Boner Fraud. Dennis Is Weird.

Boner forgery, most foul!

Everyone, please meet Dennis Guth, pictured above with the porny mustache, who is just your typical run-of-the-mill Iowa Republican state senator who happens to want a record of which people in Iowa are official fans of the D. Stop laughing, this is a normal serious bill from a normal serious person.

Guth's bill, Senate File 2130, isn't just a directory where you can look up some hot piece o' Iowa ass to find out if they play on the samesies team. It is to protect marriage. Specifically, it would punish people for "fraudulent concealment" of their sexual orientation on a marriage license. In other words, if you are an Iowa Republican guy with a big mustache and you wanted to marry a lady, your marriage license would specifically have to say that you are a heterosexual man. But if years go by and your porn mustache turns gray and you get divorced because actually you were a closet case this whole time and now you're coming out, then you could be penalized for "fraudulent concealment" for purposes of child custody, and so on.

Now before you say something like "What in the fuck" or "We sure are glad Iowa doesn't have any other problems if they're worried about this," you should look at the text of the bill so you can make fun of it even more:

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Science

Maybe Trump's Budget Cuts Will Force Lazy Coronavirus Patients To Get Well

Pull yourself out of that hospital bed by your bootstraps.

Among the other terrible ideas in Donald Trump's proposed federal budget, the Great Man wants to slash budgets for the Centers for Disease Control and the National Institutes of Health, as well as for international health programs, because it's simply not America's job to keep you from getting sick, especially if you aren't even America. The administration has to pretend it's paying for those giant tax cuts, after all, and so it's proposing some belt-tightening, even as the new coronavirus, now officially called COVID-19, continues to spread. But don't worry! Administration flacks are happy to point out that as the Great Man slashes disease prevention and research budgets by billions of dollars, the White House does at least want to spend a few million bucks to react to new health emergencies, so that's something, at least. (No it isn't.)

The real good news is that there is pretty much zero chance that Democrats in the House will agree to the massive spending cuts, meaning we're likely to have another year of continuing resolutions to maintain funding at current levels, with maybe the occasional government shutdown threat if Trump decides that would be a good idea in an election year. So half a cheer for incompetence!

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justice department

Lev Parnas Maybe More F*cked. Who (Bill Barr) Will Save Rudy Giuliani Now????

It's good to have cover-up artist friends in high places.

Do us a favor real quick and remember everything we know about Bill Barr's Justice Department lately, including the fact that Barr has been personally intervening in cases related to Donald Trump, and has even been "micromanaging" certain cases at the usually crazy independent Southern District of New York (SDNY). Got all your knowledge about Barr's Justice Department and SDNY at the front of your brain?

Are you also remembering that Rudy Giuliani himself has been under criminal investigation by SDNY, but instead of a perp walk, we have learned recently that Giuliani has a secret shoe phone back channel to Bill Barr, so he can deliver all the absolute bullshit "evidence" against the Bidens he's been collecting from craven liars on his Ukraine vacations?

Did you read Liz's latest story about Bill Barr's ratfuckery at the DOJ for the benefit of Donald Trump's authoritarian pals in Turkey?

Good.

Now read this scoop from CNN, which is that already-indicted Rudy Giuliani pal Lev Parnas might end up with more indictments from SDNY:

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Media/Entertainment

The Fantabulous Lies of One Kellyanne Conway

It's your Sunday show rundown!

It's been a while but this Sunday saw the return of counselor to the President and what would happen if Tomi Lahren drank from the wrong Grail, Kellyanne Conway.

youtu.be

Appearing on "Fox News Sunday," Conway was determined to make up for time lost away from the Sunday shows, filibustering Chris Wallace for all 12 minutes and 47 seconds of her time.

Wallace began by asking what Trump thinks of the Justice Department's decision to drop the investigation into former FBI official Andrew McCabe, and Conway sped through the bullshit like an eager stallion at the Kentucky Derby (Bowling Green Massacre, Never Forget):

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Immigrants

We Used To Give Migrant Kids Therapy To *Help Them*, Not Nail Them, Isn't That So Funny?

We're going to need a Truth Commission when this is all over.

In an attempt to prevent immigrant kids from getting asylum, the government is going through notes taken in counseling sessions and picking out items that can be used against the kids, even though the counselors assured the kids the sessions would be confidential. What's worse, the practice may be technically legal, although obviously it's unethical as fuck. The government insists it's absolutely necessary to protect America, because when some kids discuss the traumas that led them to seek asylum in the US, they also say things that can be used to suggest they're dangerous thugs who might kill us all.

In the Washington Post, Hannah Dreier focuses on the ordeal of one young Honduran asylum-seeker, Kevin Euceda, who lived through hell and escaped an MS-13 group that wanted him to kill someone to prove his loyalty to the gang. In 2017, he crossed the Rio Grande with his older sister; she was 18, so was quickly deported. But Kevin, then 17, was placed in a youth shelter that contracted with the Office of Refugee Resettlement, which is responsible for housing minor immigrants until they're placed with sponsors (or, increasingly, until they're old enough to deport). By law, all detained kids are required to see a counselor within 72 hours of coming into the ORR system, under the 1997 settlement meant to protect detained kids. Haha, joke's on you, Kevin: Under Trump, those sessions were no longer confidential, although the counselor — a recent graduate doing work toward her professional license — didn't know her notes would be turned over to ICE, either.

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Guns

Virginia Nice Time Streak Ends As 'Moderate' Dems Help Kill Assault Weapon Ban

Who'd have thought walking the streets with an AK-47 strapped to your chest would prove persuasive?

Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam's push to make the state just a tad less lethal failed Monday when members of his own party shivved his proposal to ban the sale of assault weapons. Gun rights advocates cheered with profane glee when state senators voted to bury Northam's bill for a year. The state crime commission will presumably use that time to "study the issue." It's unclear how many more dead people and ruined lives you need to confirm that assault weapons are bad news.

Last May, 12 people were killed in a shooting massacre at a municipal building in Virginia Beach, Virginia. The same year, New Zealand banned military-style semiautomatic rifles and high capacity magazines less than a week after a horrific mass shooting in Christchurch left 50 people dead. This is not a compelling example of American exceptionalism. This nation is unable to seriously address gun violence, and it's probably because we take seriously people who parade around in public outfitted for war. This is somehow an exercise of their constitutional right to terrify and intimidate their fellow Americans. They consider any form of gun control morally comparable to Jim Crow laws (no, seriously, someone put that on a sign). They lack both an awareness of history and basic humanity.

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Media/Entertainment

Senator From 'Deliverance' Talking About 'Honky Tonk Woman' And Brain Damage, We Are So Confused

Or maybe HE is confuse.

Senator John Neely Kennedy, the thing what went to Oxford but who seems to want you to think he was raised by a brusque yet kind redneck alligator in the Louisiana bayou, went on the Sunday TV shows yesterday. And he said ...

Well, we're not quite sure what he said.

The question on "Face The Nation" was about whether it is appropriate for Donald Trump to turn the Justice Department into a vehicle for avenging his grievances, and specifically whether Trump should have tweet-whined about how unfair Roger Stone's recommended sentence was, immediately after which Attorney General Bill Barr very conveniently followed Trump's orders and issued a new sentence recommendation.

And Kennedy said:

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