Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my GOD. There are weeks when we are glad to find out Donald Trump, the single worst national leader in world history we are pretty sure, can still shock us. Fascist Bible gassing photo ops have a way of shaking you and telling you you're still alive, after all! And he just did it again.
You see, today, Trump is rejoicing. He is giggle-jizzing himself to death over a new jobs report that surprised a lot of people, and in some ways looks kinda hinky, but which nonetheless shows that America's official unemployment rate is now "only" 13.3 percent, down from last month's official number of 14.7 percent. "Only" 13.3 percent. MAGA MAGA MAGA!
So, feeling a rare moment of unfettered joy over "only" 13.3 percent unemployment, Trump called a hasty news conference to pat himself on the ass and give himself reacharounds, and he said this:
Definitely NOT a better love story than Twilight.
A bunch of gun-toting chucklefucks were all het up by yet another fake social media "warning" about scary Antifa rioters being bused into their community — in this case, Forks, Washington, way up in the (beautiful!) peninsular nothingness of the northwest corner of the state. Yes, also the setting for those beloved Twilight books and movies about sparkly vampires and hunky werewolves. But there was no Twilight sparkle in this story, which was instead an outbreak of paranoia and discord in the tiny town, fueled by Donald Trump's insistence that Antifa is at the heart of all evil.
An area gun dealer warned on Facebook Wednesday he had absolutely rock-solid intel that Antifa was invading, which got folks in the area very worried. And then a multiracial family from Spokane showed up in a school bus, leading to a clusterfuck that was half Get Out and half The Russians Are Coming! The Russians Are Coming!
But it's OK, today is the best day ever!
About 110,000 Americans are confirmed to have died of the novel coronavirus, a number that's really ticking up these days. Tens of millions of Americans are unemployed. From sea to shining sea, Americans in towns as large as New York City and as small as Paragould, Arkansas, and Corinth, Mississippi — no links to stories, these are just things we know because we live down this-a-way — are peacefully assembling and marching to say Black Lives Matter, because everybody is at last sick and fucking tired of cops murdering black people.
And Donald Trump has some hurt feelings, we should put that on the list of things that are important, yes? Trump feeling sad and mad and stupid and angry and frustrated and weak and pathetic and loser? Of course we should. Because there is a direct correlation because that fucking idiot's failures and stupidity and everything else that's going on in America.
He is also a cornered Inspector Bunker Baby, so he's lashing out. So many people to get mad at, and nothing but free time to do it!
Let's briefly tick through the things upsetting Trump, which he told America, his therapist, on Twitter last night. (Under no circumstances should you try sifting through Trump's Twitter feed by yourself right now, because there are so many neurotic tweets and RTs over the past 12 hours, it's like a high-speed mental breakdown, so just don't do it. We'll show you the important ones.)
Is that a hammer in your pocket or do I think it's a gun and now you're dead?
A cop in Vallejo, California, shot and killed a San Francisco man suspected of attempting to loot a Walgreens early Tuesday morning, but the police waited a day and a half, until Wednesday afternoon, to release news of the killing. At a presser outside Vallejo's City Hall, Police Chief Shawny Williams explained that Sean Monterrosa, 22, was kneeling in the parking lot of the store, but the officer thought Monterrosa had a gun and shot him "due to this perceived threat." It was apparently really threatening, because the cop fired five shots through his own windshield. One of those five shots hit and killed Monterrosa. Who was, we'll say again, on his knees.
Turns out Monterrosa didn't have a gun. Instead, he had a hammer in the pocket of his sweatshirt. Or as Williams put it, "Investigations later revealed that the weapon was a long, 15-inch hammer," so even if it wasn't a gun, and Monterrosa wasn't brandishing it, he was still very dangerous, don't you good law abiding folks agree?