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Michelle Obama Can Tell Barack's Is Bigger Than Trump's Just By Looking At It

NOT THEIR DICKS, YOU PERVERTS.

Is everything terrible right now? Yes. Is it a little better than it used to be, though, ever since we BLUE WAVED Donald Trump right in his mini-mushroom dick, with votes? Yes. Will it be WAY better when the Democratic House is actually seated and Robert Mueller indicts the shitfire outta all the Trump assholes? Hell yes it will. WILL TOMORROW EVER COME, AT THIS RATE? Not bloody likely.

So here, while we await joy, is something better to do with your life than read about gross Trump. Watch delightful Michelle Obama videos, from the "Ellen" TV program of jokes and dancing! As you know, Michelle O is out there promoting her book Becoming. You should pick yourself up a copy, if you haven't yet!

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Post-Racial America

Florida Vote Recounts Calm, Rational, As Expected

Also, when will Florida counties ever learn to design a damn ballot?

Florida's hand-counting of ballots is underway, and for all the Republican whining about Democrats trying to "steal" the elections for US Senate and governor (and floating insane conspiracy theories while they're at it), the recounts appear on track to confirm the results initially reported on election night: Florida's new governor will probably be Republican Rick DeSantis, and current governor and Voldemort impersonator Rick Scott will probably replace Democrat Bill Nelson in the US Senate. That doesn't necessarily mean anything is really settled, of course, because it's fucking Florida.

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Post-Racial America

GOP Sen. Cindy Hyde-Smith Hilarious Again, 'Let's Not Let Black People Vote' Edition

Can you believe this racist?

This is the third time this week we've covered the mixed up files of Mrs. Cindy Hyde-Smith. I'm as happy about it as you are, but the US Senator from Mississippi has a bad habit of confessing to bad things in front of cameras. She's clearly a politician best suited for a simpler, more racist time, or at least an alternate reality where cameras weren't invented. Even the most detailed sketch of her saying stupid stuff wouldn't have the same impact.

Hyde-Smith faces Democrat Mike Espy in a runoff election on Nov. 27. Video surfaced Thursday of her at a recent campaign stop in Starkville, Mississippi, promoting the practical benefits of voter disenfranchisement.

"And then they remind me that there's a lot of liberal folks in those other schools who ... maybe we don't want to vote," Hyde-Smith is heard saying. "Maybe we want to make it just a little more difficult. And I think that's a great idea."
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Environment

Trump To Throw Paper Towels At California Wildfires

May also yell at people burned out of homes for making bad choices.

California has endured its deadliest wildfire in history, with 63 killed by the Camp fire in the northern part of the state, and over 9,500 homes destroyed. Property damage is in the billions of dollars, more than 50,000 people have been displaced, and the list of missing people has grown to over 600. There was even an outbreak of norovirus at one shelter for people who'd fled their homes. The fire is now 40 percent contained, but now California must brace for another catastrophe: Donald Trump is coming to comfort them. The people of California are resilient, but how much should they have to bear?

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Russia

SOMETHING'S COMING!

Get ready!

WHO'S FEELIN' TENSE? Who's got that HFS Just Drop the Goddamn Indictment Already sensation? Well, besides everyone in the White House, of course. Something's coming, and soon. Take it from Robert Mueller and his pals at the Special Counsel's Office (SCO), who have just given us some pretty broad hints on their timeline. Seems they're almost ready to tell the court about all the sexxxxxy cooperating dirts they're getting from flippers Manafort and Gates -- but not quite yet.

On Wednesday, the SCO filed a Status Report with the US District Court in DC saying that they're still squeezing Little Ricky for all he's worth, and they'll get back to the court in sixty days about all the investigations he's helping with.

To date, the status of this matter has not changed substantially since the August report, as defendant Gates continues to cooperate with respect to several ongoing investigations, and accordingly the parties do not believe it is appropriate to commence the sentencing process at this time.

Investigations, PLURAL?

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Russia

Let The Eagle Soar! Wonkagenda For Fri., Nov. 16, 2018

Robert Mueller is about to LOCK THEM UP, Julian Assange coming out from the cupboard under the stairs, and Ocasio-Cortez hits the ground running. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Russia

Why Is Trump Having A Bumbling Lunatic Roid-Rage Sh*t Fit Today?

Mueller. It's always Mueller.

President Chap-Ass is showing his chapped ass to the internet again, and it's clear he's REALLY freaked out. He's been a sad sack of crap ever since he helped the GOP drown in a blue wave by tying his "239-pound" body to their ankles and letting them sink. But today, similar to how appendicitis starts out as an all-over tummyache and then centers around one terrible spot, Trump is really zeroing in on the true thing that is scaring the shit out of him, and it is Robert Mueller.

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News

Avenatti Arrested For Domestic Violence ... And Pissant Jacob Wohl Is Taking Credit???

What the hell is going on here?

Don't hit people. Don't hit girls. Don't hit boys. Don't hit your kids. Just don't.

If Michael Avenatti hit someone, he will be canceled for all time. He was already canceled anyway, for the stupid shit he said about needing a white dude to run against Trump and slagging Beto O'Rourke. That said, we just witnessed Jacob Wohl eat his own wiener in a live press conference after paying a woman to accuse Robert Mueller of sexual assault. Someone with more than eight functioning brain cells might actually have been able to pull that scam off. So when there are red flags that suggest domestic violence charges against Avenatti might be less than legit -- and there are -- we need to withhold judgment until we get more details.

Here's what we do know. Michael Avenatti was arrested and charged with domestic violence. There is a woman with visible injuries who swears that she got them from him. And her charges were credible enough that he was charged yesterday, released on $50,000 bail, and ordered to stay away from her.

The story was first reported by gossip website TMZ, which seemed to have a reporter stationed outside Avenatti's apartment building at just the right moment. Here's their original version of the story.

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Elections

Nancy Pelosi Gonna Brain #FiveWhiteGuys With Gavel OF DEATH

Go sit in the back of the class, dudes.

The anticipated electoral "blue wave" now feels more like a riptide: You don't see it coming and then it murders you. Every day since the election, we wake up to more flipped seats. California, especially, is a blood bath. Dave Wasserman pointed out that Orange County will have no Republican representatives in the House. Let that sink in. As of today, Democrats have taken 34 seats from Republicans, along with their milk money. That number should go as high as 38, maybe 40. It's no wonder architect of our success Nancy Pelosi has coasted to presumptive Speaker of the House with a pro forma closed-door vote. No, wait, that's Chuck Schumer.

It has been the measured opinion of this publication that Schumer is a big, steaming flop. He is the perfect choice for Senate Minority Leader if you are interested in permanently remaining in the minority. If that's your goal, Chuck's your man. But if you want to kick Republican ass ... twice, Pelosi is a no brainer. Unfortunately, mediocre men can rarely hang with powerful women.

Now five spineless white guys, basically blobs of generic brand mayonnaise, are feverishly attempting to block Pelosi as the next Speaker. None of them, including yoga instructor Tim Ryan, have the guts to step forward themselves, but now they're positing Marcia Fudge, because who hates women, NOT THEM; all they know is they don't want Pelosi. Why? Because of her track record of success? She's a "goddamn legislative virtuoso." Next? She's a liberal from San Francisco? Schumer is from New York. He's probably never even seen a pickup truck with a gun rack on the back!

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News

Trump Mad You Need ID To Buy Cheerios, But All You Need For Voter Fraud Is A Sexy French Maid Costume

IT'S. NOT. FAIR.

At the end of July, Donald Trump did a rally for a group of collected Florida Men, and he said with a straight face that you need an ID to go to the grocery store:

"You know, if you go out and you want to buy groceries, you need a picture on a card, you need ID," Trump continued. "You go out and you want to buy anything, you need ID and you need your picture."

At the time, defenders of Trump said things like "DURR DURR DURR MAYBE HE MEANT WHEN YOU BUY BEER OR CIGARETTES OR ROMANTIC SEXXX CONDOMS SO YOU DON'T GET YOUR COUSIN PREGGERS AGAIN." (They did not say the thing about romantic supplies. We are just being mean.)

Normal people were like HOW THE FUCK DOES THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES THINK YOU NEED AN ID TO BUY GROCERIES? HOW IS THIS OUR REALITY? STOP IT!

Well, he said it again, and no, he was not talking about beer or wine or contraceptives for #MAGa Cousin Speed Dating Night down at the Shoney's.

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Military

Defense Sec Mattis Very Proud Of Troops Serving In 'Operation Midterm Election'

Like Valley Forge with better food, less frostbite, no goddamn point.

Defense Secretary Jim Mattis and Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen took a little trip to the US-Mexico border Wednesday to let Our Troops know that even though the caravan has been forgotten, they haven't been. The personnel serving in what had been "Operation Faithful Patriot" need to know Mattis, Nielsen, and the American people completely support them in their mission to get out the rightwing vote last week.

Also, even if the fancy mission name was dropped post-election, the "president" definitely thinks the world of our great military men and women, but decided to opt out of actually dropping by to see them, because they'll be on Fox News later and he can see them just fine then.

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Elections

GOP Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith Doesn't Love Lynching! YOU Love Lynching!

She loves all the little black babies.

Monday, we collectively scratched our heads over the racist, scatter-brained antics of Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith of Mississippi, who joked for no sane reason about attending "public hangings" -- what we know as, you know, "lynching." Her opponent in the upcoming Senate runoff, Democrat Mike Espy, is black and this seemed especially insensitive in a state where Emmett Till committed "Mississippi suicide." Hyde-Smith didn't apologize but she also didn't double down on the crude remark. That's almost worthy of the Jeff Flake Award for Moral Courage.

However, Hyde-Smith later appeared at a press conference with Governor Phil Bryant, who appointed her to the Senate in April, presumably after she was the 12th caller in a radio promotion. The National Right to Life organization had just endorsed Hyde-Smith (it apparently has a lax policy on hangings). Reporters asked some followup questions about her appalling comments, and she performed as well as Scott Bakula might've if he'd just "Quantum Leaped" into her body and was trying to get his bearings. Oh boy!

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Russia

Master Of Disguise! Wonkagenda For Thurs., Nov. 15, 2018

Trump is a lunatic, Nancy Pelosi prepares for battle, and Facebook really shits the bed. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Politics

Mitch McConnell Is A Shifty-Eyed Goobledonker (Also His Op-Ed Sucks)

He really is a clueless dork too.

If the world was a reasonable place, it would be entirely illegal to be as self -serving and full of shit as Mitch McConnell. In a desperate and pitiful play to shame Democrats into folding over like a bunch of beach chairs and coalescing around the Trump Train, that shifty-eyed turtle-faced goobledonker (I made that up and it fits, use it) decided to write himself an op-ed. Wait until you get a load of the title of his masterful self-own, you ready? Ok, here it is: "Will Dems work with us, or simply put partisan politics ahead of the country?"

Are you dead yet? Many of us Democrats saw that headline and keeled over from the hell-ified audacity of Mr. Dorkface Obstruction Man trying to project his shit onto us. We can't be the only ones who remember a certain senator (surprise, it was Mitch McConnell!) saying his main goal was to make Obama a one-term president while he did everything he could to obstruct the Democrats. Oh yeah, and also MERRICK FUCKING GARLAND.

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Post-Racial America

Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY

Yes, it's because they're not Trumpy enough.

Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.

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