This is Ellen, TELLING YOU IT.

Ellen DeGeneres is America's Sweetheart for a reason. She is also a lot of the reason the gay agenda has been crammed so tightly into our nation's throat, because who does not love Ellen The Lesbian Funny Gal? People who suck monster dick (in a bad way), that's who. People who suck monster dick in good ways loooooove her.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Ellen is also from the part of Louisiana that's 69ing with Mississippi, down in the Delta. So, as a lesbian who actually has been discriminated against for who she is, and as a person who's got some roots down in those parts, and as a badass gajillionaire who could buy and sell the entire state of Mississippi with her AmEx card and a wink, she has some 'PINIONS about the horrific anti-gay law Mississippi's asswipe governor Phil Bryant signed this week. (Want a TRIVIA FACT? Bryant has a gay son. That must be great!)

We would like to transcribe the jokes Ellen tells in this, because they are so awesome, and also because we know you all are lazy nincompoops who can't press a muhfuckin' PLAY BUTTON to save your lives, but that would spoil all the fun.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]Instead we will entice you to CLICK CLICK by saying that number one, there is a very good joke about cupcakes and whiny-ass Christian florists. (Like this lady, for example.) And number two, there is a very much better joke than the one we just made about Ellen buying things with her AmEx, because it comes right from the rich lady's mouth. It is very ZING! and YA BURNT! and DO WHAT THE FUCK ELLEN SAYS, YOU ASSHOLES.

Will you now agree to jam your finger on the play button? Good.

Enjoy the rest of your Thursday, you scalliwags.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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