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Aw fiddlesticks and tricky zippers, more bad news for sad pathetic loser Jeb Bush. Despite his shameless desperate begging for the endorsement of one Gov. Nikki Haley of South Carolina, where Jeb had hoped he was "going to do really well," the governor has decided to endorse another sad pathetic loser instead:

U.S. Sen. Marco Rubio will win South Carolina’s most Republican coveted endorsement of the 2016 presidential race when Gov. Nikki Haley announces her support at a Chapin rally on Wednesday evening, a source with knowledge of the governor’s decision told The State.

It would be journalistic AND comedic malpractice if we failed to mention that Haley had been considering Jeb, whose lips she has been unable to remove from her buttocks. For example:

Even though South Carolina is a legacy state for Bush men, Jeb is too far behind for Haley to disgrace herself on his behalf:

Bush pushed hard for her support. His father and brother, both former presidents who won the S.C. presidential primary, have reached out to Haley in recent weeks.

But Bush is lagging in South Carolina. Bush sits in fourth in polls with several recent surveys putting him behind Ohio Gov. John Kasich in fifth.

[contextly_sidebar id="QsN7pclUVVsK30fbXu73vO5uomBgZD1N"]Thus, Haley's Republican presidential primary dating pool is pretty shallow. She's certainly no fan of that Donald Trump guy who's actually going to win the South Carolina primary, in what will likely be a YOOOOGE landslide, because his is one of the "angriest voices" Haley says her fellow Republican teabagger wingnut whackadoodles should resist. He probably wasn't counting on her support anyway, but now he has a totally legitimate reason to have her deported back to whatever brown country her immigrant parents came from, as Ann Coulter wisely advised.

Haley is also not a fangirl for projected runner-up Miss Teen South Carolina Ted Cruz, because duh, everyone hates that guy. And darn it, Jim Gilmore just dropped out of the race, leaving her with only one option: her fellow first-generation American who rode into office on the tea party tidal wave of 2010, which has worked out so terrifically for the Grand Ol' Party that Haley and Rubio would like us to now believe they are from The Establishment and not from the extra-crispy wingnut wing of the wingnut party, thanks.

So congrats to you, Marco Rubio! With Gov. Haley crowning you the least bad of the semi-viable loser candidates who will do better than Jeb, you're all but guaranteed to cruise to another victorious third place.

[The State]

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Alex Díaz de la Portilla on Facebook

Alex Díaz de la Portilla, former Florida Republican state senator, is in hot water over a leaked WhatsApp chat log that appears to show campaign workers chatting about destroying or disappearing absentee ballots filled out for the candidate's opponent in the nonpartisan county election, according to the Miami New Times. Díaz de la Portilla ultimately came in third in the May 2018 special election for a seat on the Miami-Dade County Commission, so even if some of his people did deep-six some ballots, it didn't apparently help him. Clearly, these pikers could have learned a lot from the experts in North Carolina about electoral fuckery.

Still, you have to appreciate just how brilliantly Díaz de la Portilla plays the role of a local pol accused of just a teensy bit of ratfucking.

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Photo: Tony Webster, Creative Commons license 2.0

Under the Trump administration, the Environmental "Protection" Agency has adopted the vital mission of doing everything it can to prop up the dying coal industry, largely because 1) Coal CEO Robert Murray is among Donald Trump's best billionaire buds and 2) every last trace of Barack Obama's presidency must be eradicated. To that end, the New York Times reports the EPA is now planning to "change how it calculates the health risks of air pollution," to make it easier to reverse Obama's "Clean Power Plan" regulations and replace them with far dirtier air, for coal company fun and profit. It's remarkably similar to another bit of EPA fuckery from December, when the agency decided it was no longer "appropriate and necessary" to regulate mercury emissions from coal-fired power plants, claiming that the costs of regulating the neurotoxin was very very burdensome and wouldn't provide any real savings by comparison. In both cases, fucking around with the math and redefining pollutants as No Big Deal are at the heart of the agency's claims that coal plants can spew more pollution without doing any harm.

Now, before you freak out, we will not be making you do math. Stop whining, you. Rather, we just want to highlight once again how Team Trump changes the definitions of things to give a great big benefit to dirty energy while insisting that it's "protecting" the environment.

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