No Haircut On Earth Can Save Alex Jones And His Merry Band Of 'ReOpen America' Jerks.

No Haircut On Earth Can Save Alex Jones And His Merry Band Of 'ReOpen America' Jerks.

At the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, conspiracy theorist Alex Jones was more than happy to pretend to take it seriously, so long as he was able to sell his food buckets at very jacked-up prices and sell a ton of colloidal silver snake oil as a cure. After all, what the hell have Jones and all of these other prepper people been prepping for if not for something like this? (I guess the literal apocalypse, but really, a virus would have made a lot more sense.)

But ever since he got bitchslapped by the FDA and various attorney generals who for some reason didn't want him selling poison snake oil to people as a cure, Jones has gone full-on "This is all a hoax! Reopen America!" Guess there's more money in that, given that it is the tack all of America's stupidest people are taking. If you're trying to sell people some land in Florida, you don't go to a MENSA meeting.

So naturally, Jones was out in full force at yesterday's rally in Austin, where more than 100 morons gathered at the Texas State Capitol in Austin for the "You Can't Close America Rally" organized by Infowars correspondent Owen Shroyer -- you know, the one that got him kicked off of Twitter last week.

And here he is, gleefully shaking hands with his fans.

Also atttending the rally was this lady. As awful as she clearly is, I'm honestly a little relieved to see that "white people with dreads who don't believe in vaccines" are now a rightwing demographic. Sure, every vote counts, but if we had to give up one in the draw, that's who I'd pick.

They might be "healthy enough" to fight it, but shockingly enough, there are other people in the world! Other people who need them to be responsible and not selfish. Who need them to take vaccines and stay the fuck home. As long as they are here, intermixed with the rest of us, they are putting other people at risk. If they get infected themselves, not only could they end up infecting some poor grocery store clerk, they could end up taking up a bed and a ventilator that could otherwise be used by someone who wasn't being an irresponsible jerk.

If we could send them all to an island where they could be free to do whatever they want and not do any social distancing, like that island they sent Henry Fonda to at the end of Jezebel because he had yellow fever, that would be one thing. We cannot.

Then there are these people, many of whom actually had the gall to whine about not being able to get their hair cut. Like, almost 40,000 people have died in the last two months of this virus, and these people are mad that they can't go to the hair salon -- so mad that they don't mind risking other people's lives.

And here's another lady, from earlier this week, also complaining about her damn hair.

There is not a hair cut or color in the world that is going to help these people, because they are ugly and cruel and ignorant on the inside. They have mall bangs of the soul.

I'm not going to make comments about their outsides because I am not shallow or mean like that, but I will say that a haircut will not help their insides, either literally or figuratively. Especially if they get the virus. Because say they were able to go down to Fantastic Sam's or whatever, and they catch COVID-19 and end up on a ventilator, their hair is probably not going to look too good anyway. I would imagine that it is super hard to use a curling iron while attached to tubes.

Also, these jerks may want to be aware of the fact that their hair stylists can see these videos and news reports too, and may, like this woman, decide that they don't want to cut the hair of anyone so jazzed about endangering them.



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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse


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