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No, Scott Walker, You Cannot Write For Wonkette

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Deer Wonket, can I rite 4 u?


Oh gosh and golly and gee whiz, are we so flattered! Look who is obviously trying out to be a words-blogger for this here mommyblog recipe hub with dick jokes, Yr Wonkette!

We certainly do like the use of "lady patriots." It sounds very much like a thing what we would write! Like the time we wrote about Lady-Americans who are saving so much money on their slut pills. Or when we wrote about Rand Paul being a dick to a lady reporter. Or when we LOL'd at that lady lawmaker in California who said abortions caused the state's drought. Or how we LOL'd even more harder at Carly Fiorina claiming she will be the best lady president EVAH!

The finely nuanced difference, though, is that we are doing it for sarcasm and #jokes, and sometimes even to make pointed political commentary observations about chicks and stuff, whereas you, Scott Walker, are just a "lame" dumb asshole who is not going to be president. And not only because of how you are A Illiterate Moran, like, all of the times, and you are real not good at words:

It is also, Scott Walker, because of how you are bad at the thinking too, and the not-thinking and the history-knowing, and also extra-because of how your politics suck even more worser than how you do words bad. Plus, in addition, we are a far-left commie fascist interweb netsite blog thingy, where we write all the love sayings about abortion and communism and socialism and science and college and government-funded free stuff, and we happen to think you are a ginormous A Idiot, like we say on a regular basis. So we do not think you'd fit in here, since we don't like you at all, and we'd hate to not be able to use this video of you over and over and over again, forever.

We do like lady patriots, though, and plan to steal it. So thanks for that.

[h/t @JessieOpie]

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On Monday, someone attempted to murder George Soros by putting a bomb in his mailbox. Also on Monday, someone threw a rock into House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's office. Also, I spilled some hot coffee on myself. These are all things that happened on Monday, and were by some measure unpleasant. While most people might say, "Yes, all of those things are unpleasant, but they are not equal degrees of unpleasant," most people are not Chuck Schumer.

In what appears to be an attempt to get someone on Fox News to describe him as a "reasonable guy," Schumer sent out a tweet today lamenting the "despicable acts of violence and harassment" being done by "both sides."

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Republicans are KILLIN' IT in Florida, you guys! No worries about election day, Gators. It's all smooooooth sailing for the Sunshine State GOP. Just take it from Governor Rick Scott's lead pollster Wes Anderson, who produced a whimsical, unskewed poll for the campaign, featuring nostalgic jams about high Republican turnout in those good old days, telling the Tampa Bay Times,

As the linked slides indicate, Governor Scott currently leads Senator Nelson 51% to 46%, a lead that is outside of the margin of error.

It should also be noted that this sample from last week is very robust at 2,200 interviews of likely voters, stratified by county to reflect historic mid-term turnout. Our sample shows the Republicans with a one-point turnout advantage, even though we believe we will end up with a two- or three-point advantage. For historical context, in the past two mid-term elections Republicans had a four-point advantage in 2010 and a three-point advantage in 2014. At R+1, that makes our current sample a very conservative take on the likely partisan composition of this year's electorate.

NEEDZ MOAR BILL MURRAY.

No other pollster has replicated those numbers, with SurveyUSA, Quinnipiac, and CNN/SSRS all finding Bill Nelson in the lead, but if OnMessage, Inc. says Scott is running way ahead, then it must be true! Only OnMessage promises to "take your principles, your experience, and your opponent's weaknesses to develop a winning message plan that the voters will embrace." And who wouldn't trust a push pollster, right?

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