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Not-Watch Trump's 'Emergency' Border Crisis Announcement, With Your Wonkette!

Post-Racial America

Starting too soon, Donald Trump, who is unaccountably president of the United States, is gonna beam straight into your TV set to jaw and whine and SNIFFFFFFF in a speech he "is writing himself" about the "crisis" at the southern border.

By "crisis," Trump does not mean we are killing a non-zero number of Guatemalan children in our custody, whether through negligence or actual malice. There are now refugees whose babies we took from them, and those babies are dead. He means ISIS we guess, or the "crisis" he's really worried about: that if he doesn't get his border wall, he won't win reelection.


Last night we took the boss of you, Donna Rose, to the hospital. We're second-time-around parents; we didn't rush her to the ER with a sniffle. But after five days of a lowgrade fever and feeling pooey, yesterday our daughter never woke up. (I DON'T MEAN SHE DIED. But she didn't wake up and she sure looked like it.) When her fever hit 102.7 on our crap home thermometer (the better one at the hospital read a harrowing 104.5), we took her in, fairly convinced we'd waited too long and killed our babby.

It was really bad you guys.

At the ER in our little town, and then in an extremely comfortable room overnight that quite felt like a hotel, at least five nurses and nurses aides checked on us through morning. The baby got her fluids, and even in her flu-coma had gracious, princessly manners like a three-year-old Sara Crewe.

And I sat in the armchair a nurse brought for me and watched the machines, the ones that said her oxygen had dipped under 90, and her heartrate was above 145. At midnight, I no longer thought she might die; there were too many people on alert for her, and they hadn't stressed her ribby little body in the "hieleras" -- the iceboxes where we hold men, women, children and babies, where babies were taken from breastfeeding mothers and the children aren't allowed to cuddle for warmth. They hadn't put her in a desert tent city to fend for herself like Joe Arpaio's fever dream. She hadn't journeyed a thousand miles in little flip-flops to be taken at the end from her parents and never seen again. She was beautifully cared for, and I couldn't have asked for gentler, more conscientious, more empathetic professionals. I assume there were professionals just like that when we finally let the Guatemalan babies get emergency care. I assume there was nothing more they could have done. But the hospital for at least two children came too late, after too much evil had been done in our names.

At lunchtime today, Donna Rose woke up on her own, and ate French toast, and a few hours later they sent us home to watch all the cartoons that have ever existed. And now we're here with you, and we're not watching that pud.

Comment about anything else, but fuck him and his border, which after two years of his vapid brutality still manages to be a shock to our conscience, we won't have it in this post.

Let's drink to our health instead.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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