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Looks like Sarah Huckabee Sanders is pretty excited for another update on President Horndog and all the places he stuck his nasty, orange peen! Don't worry, Wonkers, today's edition of Bareback Mountain is mostly legal stuff. You'll probably be able to keep your lunch down if you don't think too hard about Donald Trump's golf khakis sliding to the floor as he ...

GAHHHH, SORRY!

Right! Yesterday we told you about the lawsuit Daniels filed against Trump to get the Non-Disclosure Agreement thrown out. Because we were so busy LOLing at Michael Cohen's terrible drafting, we didn't get to talk about Cohen bringing an arbitration claim against Daniels on February 27, 2018.

Apparently Cohen successfully persuaded the arbitration judge to issue a Restraining Order barring Daniels from talking about all the horizontal jogging she did with the president 12 years ago.

Sorry it's hard to read. It says, "Here is a legally dubious prior restraint on your speech. I have zero authority to enforce this order, and a real court would probably spend 10 seconds cackling before dismissing it. Anyway, even though everyone already knows you had sex with Donald Trump, don't tell anyone else about it." Well, more or less.

Here's the problem: Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels have the right to seek relief from the arbitration court. But Michael Cohen, representing Essential Consultants, that LLC he dummied up to route the hush money through, DOES NOT.

Remember DD stands for Dirk Diggler David Dennison, Trump's alias. And Peggy Peterson is Daniels. If Cohen were acting as Trump's attorney, perhaps the order would be appropriate. But he wasn't.

So we're not sure why the arbitrator decided to make herself a laughingstock on Legal Twitter today by issuing an order for a party who clearly lacks standing, but you do you, retired judge Jaqueline Connor!

To be fair, the case is confusing. Here's Sarah Huckabee Sanders right after she admitted that her boss was party to a contract that involved a payment of $130,000 to keep a pornstar quiet.

Look, the President has addressed these directly and made very well clear that none of these allegations are true. This case has already been won in arbitration. And anything beyond that, I would refer you to the President’s outside counsel.

And here she is when she realized that she just admitted that her boss was party to a contract that involved a payment of $130,000 to keep a pornstar quiet!

Q: I do have a question about something you said earlier in response to Jeff’s question. You said that there’s arbitration that’s already been won. By whom and when?

MS. SANDERS: By the President’s personal attorneys. And for details on that, I would refer you to them.

Q: But you’re aware of them, so what more can you share with us?

MS. SANDERS: I can share that the arbitration was won in the President’s favor, and I would refer you to the President’s outside counsel on any details beyond that.

RUH ROH! Guess Ouachita Baptist University didn't prepare Sarah to talk about pornstar payoffs. We're not sure what Sanders could have said to maintain the fiction that Trump never had sex with Daniels, never paid her off, never signed the Hush Agreement, AND ALSO was victorious at the arbitration hearing. But this wasn't it!

She then refused to acknowledge that Trump continues to discuss the case with Cohen, because Sarah is slick like that. How does Trump know about the arbitration hearing? IT'S A MYSTERY!

And now President Diggler is GRRRR SO MAD that he barebacked a pornstar 12 years ago, waited until 10 minutes before the election (when it was a campaign finance violation) to pay her off, denied it publicly, and hired that sanctimonious prick Mike Huckabee's daughter to go out and defend him. Poor Donald!

Say, you know who does have competent representation? Stormy Daniels! Her lawyer Michael Avenatti is the real deal.

Good luck, Michael Cohen!

Hey, remember when we spent eight good years without writing a single story about the president boning a porn star? Those were the good days! Let's not elect a gross, orange pervert next time around, 'kay?

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund us! We read the pornstar payoff agreements so you don't have to!

[NYT / Arbitration Restraining Order / Lawsuit / Press Briefing]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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