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Looks like Sarah Huckabee Sanders is pretty excited for another update on President Horndog and all the places he stuck his nasty, orange peen! Don't worry, Wonkers, today's edition of Bareback Mountain is mostly legal stuff. You'll probably be able to keep your lunch down if you don't think too hard about Donald Trump's golf khakis sliding to the floor as he ...

GAHHHH, SORRY!

Right! Yesterday we told you about the lawsuit Daniels filed against Trump to get the Non-Disclosure Agreement thrown out. Because we were so busy LOLing at Michael Cohen's terrible drafting, we didn't get to talk about Cohen bringing an arbitration claim against Daniels on February 27, 2018.

Apparently Cohen successfully persuaded the arbitration judge to issue a Restraining Order barring Daniels from talking about all the horizontal jogging she did with the president 12 years ago.

Sorry it's hard to read. It says, "Here is a legally dubious prior restraint on your speech. I have zero authority to enforce this order, and a real court would probably spend 10 seconds cackling before dismissing it. Anyway, even though everyone already knows you had sex with Donald Trump, don't tell anyone else about it." Well, more or less.

Here's the problem: Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels have the right to seek relief from the arbitration court. But Michael Cohen, representing Essential Consultants, that LLC he dummied up to route the hush money through, DOES NOT.

Remember DD stands for Dirk Diggler David Dennison, Trump's alias. And Peggy Peterson is Daniels. If Cohen were acting as Trump's attorney, perhaps the order would be appropriate. But he wasn't.

So we're not sure why the arbitrator decided to make herself a laughingstock on Legal Twitter today by issuing an order for a party who clearly lacks standing, but you do you, retired judge Jaqueline Connor!

To be fair, the case is confusing. Here's Sarah Huckabee Sanders right after she admitted that her boss was party to a contract that involved a payment of $130,000 to keep a pornstar quiet.

Look, the President has addressed these directly and made very well clear that none of these allegations are true. This case has already been won in arbitration. And anything beyond that, I would refer you to the President’s outside counsel.

And here she is when she realized that she just admitted that her boss was party to a contract that involved a payment of $130,000 to keep a pornstar quiet!

Q: I do have a question about something you said earlier in response to Jeff’s question. You said that there’s arbitration that’s already been won. By whom and when?

MS. SANDERS: By the President’s personal attorneys. And for details on that, I would refer you to them.

Q: But you’re aware of them, so what more can you share with us?

MS. SANDERS: I can share that the arbitration was won in the President’s favor, and I would refer you to the President’s outside counsel on any details beyond that.

RUH ROH! Guess Ouachita Baptist University didn't prepare Sarah to talk about pornstar payoffs. We're not sure what Sanders could have said to maintain the fiction that Trump never had sex with Daniels, never paid her off, never signed the Hush Agreement, AND ALSO was victorious at the arbitration hearing. But this wasn't it!

She then refused to acknowledge that Trump continues to discuss the case with Cohen, because Sarah is slick like that. How does Trump know about the arbitration hearing? IT'S A MYSTERY!

And now President Diggler is GRRRR SO MAD that he barebacked a pornstar 12 years ago, waited until 10 minutes before the election (when it was a campaign finance violation) to pay her off, denied it publicly, and hired that sanctimonious prick Mike Huckabee's daughter to go out and defend him. Poor Donald!

Say, you know who does have competent representation? Stormy Daniels! Her lawyer Michael Avenatti is the real deal.

Good luck, Michael Cohen!

Hey, remember when we spent eight good years without writing a single story about the president boning a porn star? Those were the good days! Let's not elect a gross, orange pervert next time around, 'kay?

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund us! We read the pornstar payoff agreements so you don't have to!

[NYT / Arbitration Restraining Order / Lawsuit / Press Briefing]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Yeah, that's my daughter and I made this

Guys!

Last

month

was

crazy!

First, NASA sent its last message to the Mars Opportunity rover! THEN scientists said that all the insects are dying but not the human-looking ones in the GOP. As if THAT wasn't enough, some brave pendejos with grandes cojones are going to try and get seafloor creatures from under a giant ice shelf in the ANTARCTIC!

So, yeah, all three of those stories happened last month. Let's cover each in a science lightning round.

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Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is terrible at her job. Her objectives and overall mission are evil, but if it's any consolation she can't effectively implement them. After buying her Cabinet position at Sotheby's, DeVos has spent the past two years trying to roll back Obama-era policies designed to protect and actually educate students. Unfortunately for her evil schemes, federal courts keep smacking down her slimy efforts. It's getting embarrassing.

DeVos recently had to cancel $150 million in student loan debt after courts said her attempts to stop the "borrow defense" regulations from taking effect were in fact illegal. Last week, she was forced to instruct colleges to follow the Obama rule barring mandatory arbitration agreements. She got kicked in the teeth earlier this month when a federal judge ruled she'd acted illegally ... again. This time, DeVos tried to delay an Obama-era guideline that required states to address racial disparities in their special education programs. Judge Tanya S. Chutkan called the delay "arbitrary" and "capricious."

The rule, drafted under the Individuals With Disabilities Education Act, would require states to identify districts with "significant disproportionality" in the number of minority students channeled into special education services, segregated in restrictive classroom settings or disciplined.

OK, so what was the "education" secretary's issue with this rule? We want to imagine there's some rationale we're not seeing and DeVos is more than just some yacht-collecting monster.

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