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It's time to retire the Oompa-Loompa pics, kids -- the new pictorial stand-in for "John Boehner" will now be the windup monkey from this video. You see, John Boehner has a windup monkey in his office. According to theHouse Speaker's website, the little bastard is "the second most photographed subject" in the office, right after the big bastard. We are informed that his staffers bought Boehner the leering windup monstrosity as a "light-hearted token of appreciation" in 2011, after he "joked in an interview that some days he felt like a windup toy because his jam-packed scheduled kept him so busy." And so like Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson, John Boehner finds himself fielding lots of questions about the monkey, like "Why do you have that monkey?" and "Can you wind up the monkey again?" and "Does the monkey cry at the drop of a hat too?" and "Is the monkey as single-mindedly devoted to stymying useful action in Congress as you are?" To help prove that we are indeed in the Silly Season, Boehner's staff produced this informative video about the windup monkey in the speaker's office, and also about the little toy that his staff gave him:


If you're into that sort of thing, the speaker's website also has a Where's Waldo link to a bunch of photos with the monkey in the background, for "fun." Also, we are pretty sure we are far more creeped out by windup monkey toys than we are by clowns. Our guess is that it has something to do with this 11-second anti-heroin PSA that came on in the middle of after-school cartoons when we were about eight years old, and which left us unable to watch television alone for months. Warning: Nightmare fuel ahead. DO NOT LET CHILDREN SEE THIS:

Jesus Christ, that thing. Can't sleep. Monkey's gonna get me. Can't sleep. Monkey's gonna get me ...

[Speaker.gov via Mediaite]

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. He can't sleep. Monkey's gonna get him.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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