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Now Orly Taitz Is Gonna Arrest The President, Uh Huh

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Welp, we haven't written anything about Orly Taitz in...(checks archives) AWHOLE FUCKING WEEK! Readers, what have you been doing? Are you bereft? Are you weeping? Are you yearning, deeply, for new Orly Taitz news? Of course you are! Wonkers, it's cool, she's just gonna arrest the president.


Taitz posted on her website Wednesday night that she has three supporters in Connecticut who are willing to sign a petition claiming that Obama has violated election law in the state. Under Sec. 9-368 of the state's election code, if "three electors" in a town sign complaints to a judge claiming violations of election law then an arrest warrant can be issued.

Yr Wonkette was going to run straight over to Connecticut's election code and deploy some lawyerin' to see how this works and if the world's most famous dentist/lawyer/realtor is right.  Just in time, we remembered that this was a theory from Orly Taitz and therefore we skipped it.

We did glean, though, that a key part of this plan requires that at least three residents of the same town need to share Orly's mad fantasies about the Kenyan usurper. Does she have three people in the same town? Mebbe.

Taitz did not specify if the three volunteers all reside in the same town. Earlier she had posted that she had a volunteer in Stafford Spring, Conn. willing to sign her petition. She then then asked if several of her supporters could move to the small town on the Connecticut-Massachusetts border in order to register to vote and help her get Obama arrested. One supporter commented that they would if someone else paid for the move.

Time for an indiegogo campaign! Let's unite these birthers in Connecticut so they can FINALLY prove Obama stole a social security number because he was born in Kenya blah blah blah. We do not wish Orly Taitz on the election officials and courts of Connecticut, but it would be amusing to engineer a birther meetup.

Speaking of birther meetups, apparently  there is unrest and incivility in birther-land! It is not the land of milk and honey, as promised. Yes, Orly's been all fightsies with some birthers she used to love for going on close to four years now:

...Philadelphia lawyer Phil Berg, anti-Obama activist and judicial candidate has filed suit against Orly Taitz on behalf of individuals who have come under attack recently by  California lawyer and anti-Obama conspiracy theories promoter Orly Taitz.

Orly Taitz frequently makes published assertions that two people who share the same name are the same person (like Barry Soetoro and Soetoro Moestabjab), and in this case Lisa Liberi, Phil Berg’s, associate may be the victim of just such a false association with a New Mexico felon having a similar name.

Also, former webmaster of Orly Taitz’s blog, Lisa Ostella, the recipient of all sorts of accusations related to the handling of former Orly blogs and the funneling of PayPal donations, is suing.

Apparently this thing has dragged on for YEARS. We tried to sort out who was who, but then got bored and just googled it until we found that helpful little synopsis above. Given that we make it our mission to bring you the freshest news ever, why are we babbling about old news? Because this bit of awesome just happened:

U.S. District Court Judge Andrew J. Guilford is ordering Taitz "to show cause in writing why she should not be sanctioned for lying to this court" by Feb. 4, to do so within 10 pages and to supplement any claims with documents.

At issue is whether Taitz purposefully misled Guilford last October after he ordered all the parties to the lawsuit to immediately inform him of all "pending ethical, disciplinary, or related matters."

Taitz claimed her only problem related to a minor discovery sanction.

But Guilford--an unapologetic stickler on ethics as corrupt Orange County Sheriff Mike Carona learned on his way to prison--discovered evidence that "the sanction involved far more than discovery," according to the order.

So Taitz had past sanctions and then lied in her current case about NOT having sanctions, and now likely is on the hook for...sanctions. We will be waiting impatiently for February 4 to roll around to see what hodgepodge filing she comes up with when she is limited to 10 pages. We're hoping for diagrams. You can really convey a ton of whackjob conspiracy theories in diagrams. Godspeed, Orly Taitz. Never surrender.

[HuffPo/OC Weekly]

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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