NRA Happy So Many Americans Buying 'Freedom Seeds.' Bullets. They Mean Bullets.
The National Rifle Association, never an organization to shy away from controversy, rampant stupidity, or sheer ghoulishness, offered some thoughts on rising sales of guns and ammunition yesterday. Now, some people might be "concerned" about panic buying of guns and ammo during the run-up to a national election (and in the midst of paranoid rightwing rumors about antifa supersoldiers everywhere, not to mention a pandemic). But not America's gun lobby! Gunhumper Central even made up a cool new nickname for ammunition!
Ammo Sales SURGE 139% That's a lot of freedom seeds.🇺🇸— NRA (@NRA)1600731596.0
FREEDOM SEEDS! We'll definitely have to make use of that the next time a Responsible Gun Owner exercises their cherished Second Amendment rights by spraying a school, concert, traffic circle, or other location with high-velocity rounds designed to do maximal damage to whatever they hit, like so: "Police said the freedom gardener planted at least 60 freedom seeds in the seven freedom seedbeds, killing four and injuring three." Or "Wow, that guy in Las Vegas sure had a green thumb!"
Of course, the first thing we thought of was a different meditation on seeds, from the classic Sean Connery documentary Zardoz:
Zardoz your god gave you the gift of the gun. The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill!
Honestly, the NRA may as well just adopt the gun-vomiting idol from that movie as its mascot, since ol' "Eddie Eagle" has always been such a wimp about telling kids to stay away from guns.
The replies to the NRA message were a mix of normal human beings who just couldn't get past the insanity of "freedom seeds," and freedom gardening enthusiasts bitching that thanks to all the panic buying, you just can't find freedom seeds for love nor money. Heck, one of the major Freedom Nursery Suppliers even responded!
@tfredericksen24 We're sorry to hear you're having trouble. Winchester continues to crank out ammo on a daily basis… https://t.co/9u67j2Gu4w— WinchesterAmmunition (@WinchesterAmmunition)1600807739.0
Other folks fretted that all this fearmongering is maybe not a good thing for America, but that's simply because they don't know the first thing about freedom or fall planting season.
@MerryJerryJo @Karma_Incarnate @NRA My neighbor has started a one man mikitia to "protect" us. He walks around w a… https://t.co/NlrhaT9xxz— Jim Kaldy 🇺🇲 (@Jim Kaldy 🇺🇲)1600739113.0
Several others pointed out the frightful logic at play here: If the Tree of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of tyrants, it only makes sense that you'd use freedom seeds to do the job.
For our money, though (not enough to buy a box of 9mm freedom seeds, if you can even find one these days), the best reply took the metaphor all the way to the end of the freedom seed growth cycle:
@NRA freedom garden https://t.co/MPGMWjflEK— Not That Keithulhu 🌻 (@Not That Keithulhu 🌻)1600739032.0
America sure does love gardening!
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Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.