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Obama Calls For Civility, Despite Having a Stupid Face

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President Barack Obama, who is the president of the United States (you know the guy we're talking about here, right?), braved the hellish desert hate rays of the people of Arizona last night tospeak at a memorial service held in the University of Arizona basketball arena. Apparently the assembled students didn't realize the purpose of the event, because they treated it like an actual back game, shouting "AIRBALL" when a speaker misspoke, and chanting and jumping up and down in unison when Obama started listing off the victims and who they were. Or something like that, according to Twitter. "Why hasn't every time Obama's opened that stupid mouth the past couple years been like that?" the pundits shouted afterward. And the answer, of course, is that it should have been like that. He should have had a bunch of people and a congresswoman get shot at every week.


“If this tragedy prompts reflection and debate, as it should, let’s make sure it’s worthy of those we have lost,” Mr. Obama said. “Let’s make sure it’s not on the usual plane of politics and point scoring and pettiness that drifts away with the next news cycle.”

What a great message! For this sentiment alone, Obama was given 5 points on the night. He bested all speakers, including Gov. Jan Brewer, with a score of 834. Congrats, big guy!

“We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us,” Mr. Obama said. “I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.”

"Obama is clearly in the Team Decency camp, which is an interesting side to take. Team Divisiveness had really been gaining steam there for a while, and probably still leads the game at this point. If Team Decency racks up a few more key endorsements, perhaps from Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner themselves, it may have a chance at winning its bitter battle against its sworn enemies," the pundits surmised.

But of course, we cannot forget about the performance of the real stars of the show, the U of Arizona students, who were egged on by the U of A Whoop Club or something. Here are a few things we remember them cheering for: that some guy was Mexican, that some guy was from "South Tucson" (REPRESENT![?]), that one of the people murdered went to Arizona too (YEAH WILDCAT DEAD GUY), and that Obama said the word "partners" in addition to "husbands" and "wives" or something like that. You did it, students! You got all the attention you so rightfully deserved!

Some people on Twitter said that we are not allowed to make fun of these students for "GIVING IT UP FOR RANDOM DEETS," because people grieve in different ways. But somehow we don't remember seeing the victims' families punching the air and shouting "THAT'S MY RECENTLY DECEASED LOVED ONE" when their names were read off. And we don't remember Gabrielle Giffords' husband yelling "I LOVE YOU, BRO" when Obama got on stage. In other words, those families and that astronaut are pussies.

Still, they provided important support for Obama, bolstering his case against divisiveness. The side of the divide against divisiveness scored some big points for itself.

Oh, great speech, btw. [NYT]

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