Jesus and Obama can't keep secrets from me!You Wonkettians, in your lie-brul enclaves. Why, you probably haven't even spent ONE SINGLE MINUTE seething about Obummer's "victory" since the election ended. No, you're still celebrating with hardcore S&M bondage, lattes, sacrifices to the Dark Lord, and driving your Volvos. (Do liberals still drive Volvos? Is that still an insult?) Nevermind. The good men and women of WND have been seething pretty much 24/7 since America voted to have socialism rammed down our throats. Bitter bitter Bob Unruh brings you the not-at-all-far-fetched tale of one brave soul who is speaking out about how Obama sure as hell knows he lost the election, and just can't keep quiet about it:

A forensic profiler whose previous cases have included the Natalie Holloway disappearance and the O.J. Simpson double murder says Barack Obama is confessing to stealing the 2012 president election.

“Obama appears to unconsciously confess on multiple occasions that in his secret fury he stole the 2012 presidential election – continuing his attacks on our nation,” Andrew G. Hodges, M.D., told WND in an assessment of Obama.

“But really that is no different whatsoever than in 2008 becoming an illegal president who violated the Constitution. This knowledge comes from one undeniable fact: we have discovered a new unconscious mind that continually quick-reads situations and communicates about it – as Obama reveals.”

Libruls!! You know what this means, don't you? Andrew G. Hodges M.D. has cracked our code! Our secrets are not safe. Every word out of Obama's mouth endangers our master plan, and Andrew G. Hodges M.D. is ON it. WND has shared his "unique psycholinguistic technique" called “ThoughtPrint Decoding” (shut up you guys that's totally a thing) on many previous occasions. He has dropped mad, mad truth explaining how when YOU thought Obama was insulting Mitt in the campaign, he was really telling us his secret plans:

One shining example occurred when he belittled Romney’s economic plan.

“Governor Romney doesn’t have a five-point plan. He has a one-point plan. And that plan is to make sure that folks at the top play by a different set of rules. That’s been his philosophy in the private sector … that’s been his philosophy as a presidential candidate.”

Once more Obama confesses unconsciously that all along, even as a private citizen (and college student), he planned on playing by a different set of rules, which he has carried out as president.

See! It's so clear! OK, not really. Let's give it another shot:

“Now for his great slip and confession. He then noted how China the ‘cheater’ was ‘flooding us with cheap domestic – or – or cheap Chinese tires,’” he said.

“The cheating foreigner first appears to have cheap American goods but (clarifying his slip) really the foreigner has cheap foreign goods. Read Obama doesn’t really have American goods, he has foreign goods – cheap goods.

So Obama is secretly Chinese? Still not really following this unique psycholinguistic technique. Let's head over to the website of Andrew G. Hodges M.D. for some further info. Lookee here:

Thoughtprint decoding reveals that every single forensic communication contains two messages and not just one. Each written or oral communication involving a suspect contains two separate trains of thought, and tells two separate stories with the hidden story being far more accurate and truthful. Now investigators have a strong ally in the unconscious mind of a perpetrator or suspect that insists on telling the truth without the person realizing it and no matter how determined he or she is consciously to cover up the truth.

Well, that's...ok that's not even a little bit clearer. Far be it from yr Wonkette to demand formal precision in the English language, but what on earth does that last sentence even mean???

In case you're worried that Andrew G. Hodges M.D. is a one trick pony, he's also turned his keen unique psycholinguistic mind to the JonBenet case, the Natalee Holloway case, and even Jesus!  He even almost got asked to talk to the police about BTK the serial killer, but those lazy police bastards in Wichita had already identified BTK. SO CLOSE.

Andrew G. Hodges M.D., ThoughtPrint master, can divine the inner thoughts of Jesus and serial killers. Surely you can trust him to tell you the real truth about how Obama just can't shut up about fraudity-fraudity-frauding real Americans out of the chance to have Mitt Romney be their lord and master:

“On election night after initial voting reports declared him the winner, Obama once more unconsciously pointed to a confession. Before his anxious and relieved supporters, Obama spoke of his pride in his daughters but commented, ‘But I will say this for now, one dog’s probably enough’ – on the surface referring back to promising his daughters a puppy after his 2008 victory,” Hodges said.

“But stay with his spontaneous right-brain image. Understand he could have chosen any matter on which to comment and any description but his brilliant unconscious mind which always speaks in a symbolic right-brain language – and carefully chooses its images – selected ‘one dog is enough.’

“Read his confession that America has just elected a dog of a president – and once was enough,” Hodges said.

Nevermind. We give up.



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