Obama Nationalizes Puppy Care, And Uncle Berlusconi Would Like To Be With You, Alone

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Creepy Italian sausageSILVIO "JUST CALL ME PAPI" BERLUSCONI cherishes his privacy. Sì, Berlusconi needs his special alone time, so he can mount meter maids and plow the dickens out of teenage models in peace. But why won't the evil ITALIAN MEDIA respect Berlusconi's privacy? Surely they will all be excommunicated after ruining his daughter's birthday celebration, and also, Berlusconi's chances of scoring with his daughter's extremely young friends. Vaffunculo! Italy: spay this man before HANS BLIX is required to, under international law. Snipity snip snip! ...


KEN SALAZAR has always been a devoted conservationist. As a young boy, he kept all of his scabs and TOENAIL CLIPPINGS in a box by his bed. Now a grown man -- and also Secretary of the Interior -- Ken hopes to preserve so much more. From the private beaches of Malibu, to the frozen Lochs of Maine ... The gentle caribou of Alaska .... TRIG PALIN ... The sewer monsters of Raleigh, North Carolina ... Yes, Ken Salazar will protect America's majestic wildlife, its tremendous natural wonders ...

SENATOR MIKE ENZI (R-WY), who plays bass for the Troggs cover band GANG OF SIX, has some serious health issues. Specifically, his gastrointestinal tract is totally wrecked. That's why he has asked the SENATE FINANCE COMMITTEE to cut health care reform into tiny, itsy bitsy pieces, so he can digest it all without exploding ...

Are you a war veteran (First Gulf War does not count)? Do you suffer from POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER or a similarly debilitating psychological condition? You may qualify for a FREE PUPPY. Outrageous but true: REP. ED WHITFIELD (R-KY) wants to nationalize puppy-giving -- the first chapter of Mein Kampf, verbatim! How are privately owned puppy dispensaries going to compete with a GOVERNMENT PUPPY BUREAUCRACY? We say no. No thank you, sir.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com.

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