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Obese Donut-and-Dove-Bar Sucking Slobs Deciding Health Care Reform

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With two-thirds of the nation officially fat and $150 billion spent annually on easily preventable health problems caused specifically by obesity, you might think Health Care Reform -- any of the hundred versions -- would start with "Do not suffocate yourself with fat." Never mind the expensive cancer screenings that may or may not make a statistical difference, a health-care reform package that actually aims to lower the cost of health care in this country should, obviously, start with full-on socialized government control of the consumer food chain, because PEOPLE ARE TOO DUMB TO NOT EAT 5,000 CALORIES OF CORN-SYRUP NACHO-POCKETZ PER "MEAL," and they are too lazy to do anything but sit in traffic orwatch their programs on the flat screen, and dear god have you seen little children lately? How do you get all the kids to suddenly plump up like Augustus Gloop? Better question: How do you not do this, to babies? Don't ask Congress, because they're too busy eating Dove Bars and sacks of Doritos.


We turn, this time with actual admiration, to gutter-trash tabloid The Politico, not least because of the headline "Fat Accompli":

Congress is no model for healthful living.

Long hours and high stress only help already hefty members pack on more pounds. During heated negotiations over the climate and energy bill last month, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi wheeled carts of Dove ice-cream bars into meetings to win support through members’ stomachs. And late-night votes last week required clerks to bring piles of pizzas into the Senate cloakroom.

Members of the Senate Finance Committee like to snack on Doritos, potato chips and beef jerky — among other things — while considering the future of health care, and on Wednesday they thoughtfully arranged for at least six dozen doughnuts to feed reporters covering the deliberations.

Later, it is revealed that Pelosi herself steers clear of the Dove Bars and pizzas she sends to her "friends" in the House, to kill them with heart attacks. While the typical portly members of Congress are sleeping off their last few 2 a.m. Hungry Man dinners, Pelosi is "speed walking" around the National Mall, chuckling to herself and eating just a spoonful of brown rice for breakfast-lunch.

Fat accompli: Congress's weight issue [Politico]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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