Donate

Officials Uncover Osama Bin Laden's Inevitable Porn Stash

News

Hmm, Osama bin Laden was 1) a male who 2) sat around his house all day. Whatever could he have been up to? Oh, just THE most covert masturbation sessions in all of human history. That's right—there was a porn stash in bin Laden's compound. It was "extensive." Oh no! Why did we heathen Americans have to make sexual intercourse so alluring to bin Ladne's body? Now he'll never get into heaven. He was so close to getting into heaven! "The pornography recovered in bin Laden's compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan, consists of modern, electronically recorded video." He had video equipment and liked porn; there is hope for an Osama bin Laden sextape after all! (Maybe it's that one John Edwards made?)


Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.

Surely there is some, uh, DNA on it that they can test? C'mon, OFFICIALS, this is important.

Unfortunately, there is no description of what kind of porn bin Laden liked, because the people at Reuters are really bad at their jobs. But we can think of two options:

  • Pathetic, low-quality VHS tapes recorded off Cinemax and sold by a Turkish teenager on eBay

  • Disgusting shit that is very illegal in this country

Obviously, those are two equally good, very likely options. That's why he stayed at large for so many years—he always kept you guessing. And he had a pretty good way to deal with stress. [Reuters]

$
Donate with CC

Today we are having a Very Serious Conversation about how liberals are very uncivil and mean and terrible and vulgar, because a restaurant in Virginia very nicely asked Sarah Huckabee Sanders to GTFO, due to how she is an atrocious liar who works for a fascist. (The restaurant comped the cheese plates that had already been served.) Meanwhile the president is threatening 79-year-old black congresswomen on Twitter and ripping babies away from their parents and just generally being a fascist. BOTH SIDES DO IT, ISN'T THAT RIGHT, VERY SERIOUS PUNDITS?

Point is, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is doing her first White House press briefing in a week, assuming she doesn't wuss out like she always does. Will she lie? Will she cry? Will she be a sack of shit like she always is? Most importantly, has she managed to find a meal since she was kicked out of the Red Hen? We certainly hope she's managed to find a Chick-fil-A or something, as we wouldn't want Our Sarah to be forced to give a press briefing while hangry.

Let's liveblog and see what a foul asshole SHS feels like being today:

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Last week, Nicole Arteaga of Peoria, Arizona received the devastating news from her doctor that her baby's development had stopped and that pregnancy would end in a miscarriage. Given the option of either a D&C or prescription medication, she chose to go with the prescription. Then, like all normal people do when they get a prescription, she went to a pharmacy to have it filled.

Unfortunately for her, Brian Hrenuic -- the pharmacist at the Walgreens she went to -- refused to give her that prescription, because he opposed it on "moral grounds."

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

SINGLE & MONTHLY DONATIONS

SUPPORT THE CAUSE - PAYPAL DONATION

PAYPAL RECURRING DONATIONS

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc