Oh Hey We Are Close To Buying A Human Person/Creating A Jerb
You guys! We're FUCKING RICH!
Well, we are close to FUCKING RICH!
Now we feel we should clarify. We are not fucking Rich Abdill. A) He is 12 years old. B) He lives in Maryland or somesuch hellhole. C) He is not any of our ex-boyfriends, and we prefer to make old mistakes instead of new ones. (He is really cute though. Ladies, do you live in Maryland? Do you like 12-year-olds? You should hit him up!)
No, we mean your Wonket is finally starting to make some casheesh, and we are almost ready to BUY A HUMAN PERSON in the shape and form of one Doktor Zoom.
We told you before we thought a living wage plus benefits (in Idaho) would cost us about $60 big. But we have decided to make Doktor Zoom buy some of his own fucking health insurance, so now we are guesstimating it at just $50. And you guys have helped us almost get to half of it! Many of you have kicked in for recurring donations over there -----> and we are up to more than $700 a month from that, so we will count that as like $9000 for the year. You also gave us bread upfront, in the form of birthday money and stuff, and what we would like to buy ourselves for our birthday is a motherfucking blogger. So that is like another $10,000 you gave us.
If we get half a year's salary up-front (so $25giant), we will pull the trigger. Isn't that terrible that we refuse to buy someone unless we are sure that we can pay him? We put our risk aversion down to Gambler Dad. We would like to buy Doktor Zoom before June, when we will be embarking on a three week Drinky Thing Midwest and Texas and Southwest orgy, so he can fill in for us instead of just hanging a Gone Fishin' sign on your Wonket.
IN OTHER DOKTOR ZOOM NEWS, also, we are not sure we told him this yet? We definitely need to hire him by September, when we will be unveiling our arts and entertainment site ("ArtTarts," probably, because that is the worst name we can think of), where he will write book reviews and Snipy will be the music critic and I will yell at art, and somebody will post Miley Cyrus's sideboob.
So give us more money, suckers. This will be your last chance until we finally figure out how to do those popup ads that will yell at you, constantly, for all your dough.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.