OH JESUS CHRIST, GO FUCK YOURSELF, JOE MANCHIN.
Joe Manchin, can we talk? Haha just kidding, YOU'RE GOING TO SIT THERE AND GODDAMMIT YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING LISTEN.
We sometimes defend your existence, even though you mostly suck all the time so much, but we like it when there are asses in seats that have D's next to their names, and we have especially wanted you to win your race for re-election, because, Christ, you are a West Virginia senator, and we are pretty lucky to have any national politician from there who is not literally Coal Baron Hitler. We also figure that when we take the Senate either on November 6 or at the very latest 2020, your presence as a number would be just fine, because you won't be making the rules, because literally every other Democrat in that body is your real dad.
And it looks like you are going to win your race! You're up in the polls so high that you can afford to do something a little bit risky once in a while! You know, let your hair down! Cut a rug! Stay up past midnight! DON'T VOTE FOR CLOTURE FOR LIKELY RAPISTS!
But no, the cloture vote in the Senate for Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation -- which is not the final vote, but just a procedural thingie -- has happened and you, Fucking Joe of Manchin, decided to vote "yes"! Which means things are basically over unless you grow a dick in the next 24 hours and Susan Collins announces at 3 PM Eastern that she's a no on the final vote. You are "undecided" officially! You still have time to make a big boy decision!
Want to stop Kavanaugh? Time to make some phone calls: @SenatorCollins (202) 224-2523 @Sen_JoeManchin (202)-224-3954— Jeff Solnet (@Jeff Solnet)1538752248.0
As for the other senators who have been wavering, Lisa Murkowski voted "no" on cloture, because fuck yeah she did. She literally changed her mind on her vote while she was walking to the chamber. Hey Murk! Wanna be a Democrat? We'll give you five dollars, which will have to be appropriately reported as a donation, because we are not saying five dollar bribes at you, we swear!
Meanwhile, Jeff Flake, after pretending to care for like a whole week, decided to be a loser sack of shit again and stated his support in the final vote for Kavanaugh, unless he changes his mind for the 80th time, a possibility he has left open, as usual.
It is a true fact that some senators really get off on voting for cloture, because they have a real big hard-on for Senate procedural stuff, and then like to save their fuck you for the final vote. (See; McCain, John -- THUMBS DOWN.)
You gonna do that, Joe Manchin? Or are you going to be the worst, like you always are?
We really wish this could be a positive post, like a FUCK YEAH YOU CAN DO IT thing where we are encouraging that one shithole on our team to FUCKING play ball for once in his goddamned life. You'd think the fact that literally every other endangered red state Democratic senator understands the gravity of not putting EMOTIONALLY IMMATURE COCKFUCKS WITH ANGER ISSUES AND PROBABLY ALSO DRINKING ISSUES AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE ISSUES on the motherfucking Supreme Court of the United States of America might convince you to do the right thing.
Hey, maybe we are wrong, and if we are, we'll write a post called "Wonkette is Sexxxxy When We're Wrong." Maybe there is some kind of grand bargain going on and Flake is lying and Collins has a surprise. Maybe the deal is that you really really really think you'll lose your seat if you don't give West Virginians the Looks LIke A Date Rapist their hearts desire, and you are safe because they're all three gonna strut their stuff and kill the nomination. Maybe! Maybe Chris Coons will beat up Jeff Flake again, with bipartisan affection!
BUT WE'RE NOT FUCKING HOLDING OUT HOPE. For one thing, the White House is pretty sure it's a done deal:
So there's that.
We'll find out for sure at 3:00 PM Eastern, when Susan Collins announces why, as a Republican woman, she can't help but feel that bitches are lyin' and that moreover, Brett Kavanaugh looked pretty badass to her when he was having a sniveling shitfit on the Senate floor.
So as we approach the end of this post, we are just going to go ahead and stick with WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH JOE MANCHIN and JESUS FUCK DUDE, GO JUMP IN A LAKE WITH JEFF FLAKE and whatever other mean stuff we are not thinking of right now but we'll remember later once we've started drinking.
At least there's an election coming up, so FUCKING VOTE. And get ready to fight against this fucking asshole judge forever or until the second we remove him, because as we said the other day, this fight won't be over once Brett Kavanaugh is pullin' pubes with Clarence Thomas on the Court.
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