Oh Shit, Michael Cohen Got 'Wire Tapps' In His Obamaphone! LOL TRUMP U R FUCKED!
SEE UPDATE BELOW FOR HOW FUCKING NBC FUCKED UP.
We knew the feds had been reading Trump "lawyer" Michael Cohen's emails before they decided to do NAZI STORMTROOPING to him, like common feds. And we knew Trump was losing his shit over the Cohen raid, and that the raid was the turning point that made Trump get all sourpuss in his feelings about doing an interview with special counsel Robert Mueller. According to the New York Times's Michael Schmidt, though, lawyers for Trump have been real darn confused about what the feds might find in that Cohen raid, or in his emails, because Trump and Cohen won't tell them.
But uh oh, we surely did not know Obama had put "wire tapps" in
Trump Tower Michael Cohen's bottom! Tricky tricky Obama, who wasn't even president at the time! And tricky tricky how Hillary Clinton also did these "wire tapps" with her emails!
Just kidding, the FBI did "wire tapps" to Michael Cohen, because Michael Cohen is a fucking criminal, allegedly.
Here, have a shot:
Federal investigators have wiretapped the phone lines of Michael Cohen, the longtime personal lawyer for President Donald Trump who is under investigation for a payment he made to an adult film star who alleged she had an affair with Trump, according to two people with knowledge of the legal proceedings involving Cohen.
It is not clear how long the wiretap has been authorized, but NBC News has learned it was in place in the weeks leading up to the raids on Cohen's offices, hotel room, and home in early April, according to one person with direct knowledge.
NOW HAVE A CHASER:
At least one phone call between a phone line associated with Cohen and the White House was intercepted, the person said.
BOOM, as they say on the Benjamin Wittes section of the internet! THE FBI IS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, TRUMP! BETTER SET 'EM ON FIRE!
NBC News reports that World's Best Current Trump Lawyer Rudy Giuliani told Trump just after the raid that he'd better not do Obamaphone sexxx chats with Cohen, lest the feds hear everything they are saying. Better hope Trump took that advice! Just kidding, we hope he didn't.
Hey, let's see what Giuliani has to say about these "wire tapps":
Giuliani to Wash Post: If true, “It’s not appropriate. I mean, he’s a lawyer. You mean, I call up my lawyer and the government is wiretapping him? That’s pretty damn — I mean, they’ve already eviscerated the attorney-client privilege. This would make a mockery of it.”
— Robert Costa (@costareports) May 3, 2018
HAHAHAHAHA FUCK YOU, babydoll, because did you not JUST SAY Trump had been paying Cohen $35,000 per month for doing NO WORK FOR TRUMP? And do you, Rudy Giuliani, allegedly a lawyer, not know that attorney-client privilege doesn't apply when attorneys and clients are talking about DOING CRIMES TOGETHER?
YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER.
The existence of these "wire tapps" may help to explain why the Cohen raid happened how it did and when it did, at least for the purposes of proffering a theory that MAYBE the feds heard Trump telling Cohen to burn all the evidence and decided to go ahead and do the raid the next day. But we are just wildly speculating!
Haven't we been saying Michael Cohen is well and truly fucked ever since the raid, and that he really oughta go ahead and flip, assuming he hasn't already? LET'S SAY IT AGAIN, and this time, let's add that Donald Goddamn Trump is right to be scared out of his fucking mind right now.
Oh, to be one of the flies that makes its home in Stephen Miller's bathing suit region right now, bzzzzzzzzzing out his pant legs into the halls of the West Wing to get a closer listen to Trump absolutely losing his fucking shit over this report right now, because you know he is.
Anyway, what a funny news day! "Wire tapps!" Stupid Rudy Giuliani!
Robert Mueller should announce some indictments in like 20 minutes, just for shits 'n' giggles.
P.S: In case you have forgotten why we are spelling it "wire tapps" or blaming Obama for this, please revisit that thing from over a year ago when President Dipshit baselessly accused Obama of putting "wire tapps" in Trump Tower, because President Dipshit is too stupid to spell "wiretap." You are welcome, we're sure!
UPDATE: Fucking NBC fucked up. Cohen's calls are not being monitored by a "wire tapp," they are being monitored by a "pen register," which collects less information about phone calls. More on that here.
Grrrrr fucking NBC.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.