OK, For the Last Time: Sort-of Basically Live Blogging
9:04PM: Why don't they just let the candidates pander for a bit, rather than waste time on the first question pandering? Oh wait. . . it's ALL pandering. . .
9:08PM First "nuisance" bite, Kerry responds with "outsourcing"! Dueling words-made-to-sound-like-they're-bad.
9:09PM: Kerry is all about killing terrorists. Hunting and KILLING. But will he torture them? Will he rip off their heads and shit down their necks? I just don't think he's sincere.
9:10PM: For vaccines we relied on ENGLAND!!!!?!?!? Wait, where's Canada and their pretend drugs? Come back Canada!!!
9:11PM: Awesome: The President hasn't gotten a flu shot. . . because of frivolous lawsuits.
9:12PM: "A plan is not a litany of complaints." No, a plan is a series oversimplified slogans and focus-grouped sound-bites!
9:16PM: Bush: "Paygo means. . . you pay. . . and he goes away and spends your money." Oh, god. That's really fucking clever. Pay. . . GO! You pay... he goes. See: You PAY. HE GOES. No, wait, let's break it down. . .
9:20PM: Kerry: Tony Soprano reference. Someone is going to wake up with John Kerry's head under the covers. . .
9:24PM: Bush: Whoo! Did he really just say whoo? It's the cheerleader in him.
9:27PM: Q: Is homosexuality a choice? A: I am not a gay.
9:29PM: WHAT?!?! Dick Cheney's daughter is a gay!?! Shit. This changes everything.
9:31PM: BREAKING: John Kerry is Catholic.
9:32PM: JOHN KENNEDY ALSO CATHOLIC. Coincidence?
9:34PM: Bush: "Buggy and horse days"? Is he talking about the gays again?
9: 39PM: Schieffer says that Kerry has a "massive plan." Yes . . . you can tell by the size of his hands.
9:40PM: Kerry is boring me with his Litany of Health Care Complaints.
9:43PM: NOTE TO READERS: We saw the foam, too. The voice in Bush's ear told him to wipe it off.
9:45PM: Kerry is against accepting invitations to disaster; yeah he just RSVPs and then never shows up.
9:50PM: Bush: "He forgot. . . " (Shit, it's not Poland. . . I know he forgot Poland. . . )
9:51PM: Shorter Bush: "Nothing bad is my fault."
9:54PM: Wow, Kerry's even got a litany of complaints about immigration. He's really well prepared.
9:56PM: An operative comments: "Bush, on the other hand, doesn't even have a litany of complaints about Iraq."
9:58PM: I am so bored.
10:00PM: "No child left behind is really a jobs act," says Bush. Of course. And Social Security is really a missile defense program. And Federal Highways funding? Actually a part of the Metric Conversion Office. And clean coal legislation helps you make soup.
10:05PM: Kerry. . . massive plan. . . relieving the pressure . . . mmmmm. . .
10:06PM: Bush: "The best way to get the troops home is to send them to Iraq." There's not even a joke to make about that.
10:07PM: "U.S. OUT OF MY GUTS!!"
10:10PM: I don't think it's just me. This is really fucking boring.
10:11PM: Operative comment: "Wouldn't it have been easier to just shoot Delay with an assault weapon rather than to try to fight him over the ban?"
10:14PM: BREAKING: Bush likes black people just fine. Also, education is good. And, wait: EDUCATION FOR BLACK PEOPLE. . . is okay, too. Unless they have guns. Educated guns are bad.
10:17PM: Bush can "feel" when people pray for him. It's like frottage.
10:20PM: I mean, really: Snoozeville. Though I probably shouldn't have done those shots earlier. . . The ones at breakfast.
10:25PM: Bush: "I love the strong women around me. As many as possible. As long as possible."
10:28PM: Kerry closing speech: "Sound bite, sound bite, aspirational sound bite, hand gesture, God bless America, kill terrorists."
10:30PM: Bush closing speech: "God, education, sound bite, blink, compassion, pander, blink, pander, God, terror, blink, blink, liberty, God, terror, I rock."
10:31PM: Our call: Bob Schieffer wins. Audience loses. French neutral. America safer now that Saddam is out of power. No, wait. . . Fuck. What did the media tell me again?