Rampaging Potheads Carve Backwards 'P' On Oklahoma Official's Forehead
Voters in Oklahoma approved a June ballot initiative making medical marijuana legal, and in response, the state's Republican establishment has gone into full Reefer Madness Freakout Mode, certain that if anyone gets a prescription for wacky tobacky, folks will be smoking marijuana in Muskogee, and wearing roman sandals instead of leather boots. Among those getting in on the fun of a full-on political panic was Julie Ezell, the general counsel for the State Department of Health, who resigned last week after it was revealed she'd written threatening emails to herself and claimed they'd been sent by dangerous weed advocates. Ezell was charged Tuesday with making a false police report and generally being a narc in the incident. Authorities are said to be weighing an uptight buzzkill enhancement.
You see, Oklahoma may have a medical marijuana law because the stupid dumb voters passed it, but state leaders don't see any reason it should actually be implemented in a way that would let anyone get their hands on the stuff. The State Board of Health voted earlier this month to impose a few little restrictions on medical weed, like banning any form of smokable marijuana for medical use, and requiring dispensaries to have a licensed pharmacist on their staff, because after all, whatever does get sold will require a prescription, now won't it? (Even an attorney for the Department of Health opposed those measures, saying they'd draw lawsuits, and by golly, they already have!)
Another regulation would require all women seeking a prescription for weed to get a pregnancy test first, the only such restriction in the nation. Crom only knows why the department didn't also mandate a 48-hour waiting period before passing to the left.
Ezell's emails to herself look like part of that general climate of fear and stupid; court records claim she created an email address on the encrypted email service ProtonMail -- "firstname.lastname@example.org" -- which she then used to send herself the fake messages at her work address. Emails she sent from July 8 to July 11 included threats like these, from a fictitious pot advocate clearly driven mad by the Devil's Weed:
- We will stop YOU and your greed. Any way it takes to end your evil and protect what is ours. We will watch you.
- We will expose your corruption and evil. We would hate to hurt a pretty lady. You will hear us. We are just beginning
- You impose laws like a dictator and respect none of them
- You appear distinguished in glasses. Wear them for the camera.
Those angry potheads she made up really had a way with words. And creepy thoughts about her looks! A half-hour after accessing the ProtonMail account with her cell phone on July 8, Ezell sent a text message, apparently to a colleague, reporting the fake threat: "F---, text me when you are up. I just got a pretty threatening email about medical marijuana."
On July 10, a few hours after the Board of Health passed the crazy restrictions, Ezell's self-terror campaign escalated, as "maryjame" sent her work address the message, "You won't be able to ignore us today. Check yourself," and later, a message that included Ezell's home address and a description of her car. Good god! She knew where she lives!
After the whole scheme fell apart and Ezell was charged with making false reports and providing false evidence to the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, her attorney, Ed Blau, issued a statement describing her as "a "loyal and dedicated public servant" and explaining she's really not the sort of person to do exactly the things she's accused of doing:
These charges do not reflect who she is as a person, nor do they reflect the type of advocate she has been for the people of the State of Oklahoma [...] These allegations will be answered, and additional relevant information will be provided by us at the appropriate time.
Bet she claims she was all strung out on Cheetos and Twinkies from her attempts to "get in character." Beware, kids -- that stuff will mess you up.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.