Oregon Meth Binge Generates 2013's Greatest Headline
We didn't think that any story could possibly top the November 2012 headline from Scott Lake, Washington: Two Alligators, A Pole Dancer And Pot At Olympia Area Shooting Scene. And yet we knew it was at least theoretically possible, however unlikely.
And now, dear readers, we may finally have a winner -- we'll let you decide. From aggregation site PoliceOne.com, we present the new challenger: Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar.
Whaddya think, sirs and mesdames?
As is usually the best approach with a story like this, there's little sense trying to summarize, so we'll copypasta the original article from The Oregonian (which had a far more boring headline, sadly):
A Beaverton man [snrkk!!! -- Dok Zoom] was arrested following a string of erratic outbursts that culminated in the suspect allegedly masturbating in a Salem roadhouse, officials said.
It took a Taser and more than a dozen officers on Sunday to finally subdue Andrew Frey inside Iggy's Bar & Grill on Portland Road Northeast, the Marion County Sheriff's office said.
The 37-year-old man later told authorities he had used methamphetamine the day before and had no recollection of the alleged wild behavior, according to officials.
Frey's odyssey of odd behavior started Monday afternoon when he reportedly called a locksmith but then refused to pay for whatever unspecified lock-related services were provided. He then wandered into a local market and refused to leave; once someone at the market rather insistently helped him to the door, Frey headed to Iggy's Bar & Grill:
A bartender told authorities that Frey exposed his genitals and started masturbating at the bar, officials said. By the time a Marion County deputy arrived on scene, Frey had moved from the bar to the bathroom, but reportedly had not stopped pleasuring himself.
Now really, who among us hasn't just absentmindedly continued to masturbate after moving from a private to a public venue? (We'd say maybe it sounds like something Anderson Cooper's mom might do, but that little man in the boat has sailed.)
Frey allegedly resisted arrest, forcing the deputy to zap the suspect with a Taser multiple times, officials said. The Taser had no effect on Frey, who then allegedly starting fighting with the deputy, officials said.
At least 15 police officers from Salem, Keizer and Marion County rushed to the bar and were eventually able to take the suspect into custody, officials said.
Frey was later charged with public indecency, resisting arrest and theft.
Perhaps it will be some consolation to Mr. Frey to know that he is now among the finalists for Wonkette's Person of the Year. He's also a strong candidate for inclusion as a minor character in our upcoming Carl Hiassen/Friendship Is Magic crossover fanfic, Miami Little Pony.
Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter. His life's ambition is to write a headline to equal "Oregon man on meth fights off 12 cops while masturbating in bar," while never being the subject of one.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.